General Chat

These have been on before - but so long ago they may be new to a lot of people. Anyway they will still make you chuckle! I met Stella in a revolving door, We've been going around together ever since. 'Have you got your photos yet Cinderella?' 'No, I sent them away two weeks ago . I hope that one day my prints will come.' 'That gogeous lady across the road phoned me. She said 'Why don't you come over, there's no one in.' 'How did you get on?' 'Not very well. I went over but there was no one in.' 'I went to a sea food disco last night'. 'was it good?' 'It was great! I nearly pulled a muscle'. 'Where's your friend?' 'She's dead. She fell into her bowl of muesli and got dragged under by a strong currant'.

Back to graffiti I think I exist; therefore I exist, I think. I think I think: therefore I think. For those who think life is a joke - just think of the punchline!! It's me and you against the world - when do we attack? All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed. No, just poorly directed! NO, JUST POORLY CAST!! Is there any intelligent life on earth? Yes, but I am only visiting. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do!!

My neice was put on probation for shoplifting. I think she'll be O.K. - she's taking something for it! My Uncle is ever so superstitious - he has a rabits foot. He gets around O.K. though. Two thieves were caught after breaking into Harrod's and stealing a very, very expensive 2007 calender. The judge gave them six months each!

Back to graffiti - We are the people our parents warned us about! The world is going through a great big menapause! Earthquake predictors are fault finders. Florists are just petal pushers. I am anonymous - help me! Nature never gives up. It did on me!! Life is a hereditary disease. (So is genaology! - that's good - I thought of that!)

'Sherlock, why have you got a yellow front door?' 'Lemon entry my dear Watson.' Dyslexic skier: 'On the last run did I come down the slope zig zag or zag zig?' 'Don't ask me, I'm a tobacconist.' '999 help! A baby is just about to be born'. 'Keep calm - is this her first child?' 'No, this is her husband'. General Custer: 'I can't understand it ; they were singing and dancing all night'.

'My wife asked me to come upstairs and make love. I said 'I can't do both.' I annoyed my wife this morning - I woke up.' 'My wife really loves me; when I was ill she wrote for an ambulance.' 'I saw a frog in my garden this morning. It said to me 'If you give me a kiss I will turn into a beautiful princess and will pander to your every whim.' 'What did you do?' 'I put it in my pocket. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'.'

Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, slaps three nails on the counter and asks...........'any chance you can put me up for the night'

'I wish I could get my husband to play golf but every time I ask him he refuses.' 'Why don't you try reverse psychology? Say to him: 'You don't want to come to golf do you?' 'No, that wouldn't work.' 'Don't try then.' 'Yes, I think I will.' When I retired they gave me a comb as a parting present.' 'I've had all my teeth out; the pain was terrible. I tell you - never again!' Senior golfer to his companion; 'At my age I never feel that it is safe to buy green bananas'.

'My husband has stood by me for many years, He's had to - we only have one chair.' 'You can't rely on men. My husband promised he would die for me but he hasn't.' Husband: 'If you won a million pounds would you still love me?' Wife: 'Yes, and I'd miss you.' 'Our lady captain has piglets. We're looking for the swine that did it.'

'You haven't been for a while.' 'No, my last round of golf was so terrible that I tried to commit suicide. I swallowed furniture polish as I thought it would give me a nice finish. Anyway I recovered and I've pledged not to do it again.' 'I'm sorry to hear of your sad bereavement but why do you blame yourself for your wife's death.' 'I shot her!' Pompey football supporter: 'I was charged with assault but I got off because I had been severely provoked.' 'How?' ' The yobs tried to stuff a season ticket into my pocket.' 'I see you've come in with your pet cod.' 'Yes, have you got any fishcakes?' 'We have.' 'Great I'll have one - it's his birthday.'

Happy New Year Pilgrim & Brian pmsl Caz

'I have saved some money. I told my wife we couldn't get Sky TV;
I said it's too cloudy'.

'Help - I've locked my keys in my car'. 'I will soon sort that out for you - luckily I'm wearing my car key shorts.'

Barman to customer who had just eaten a scruffy woman at the bar, 'We don't serve people on drugs.' -'I'm not on drugs.'
'You are. That was a bar bitch you ate!'.

Two budgies on a perch; one said to the other : 'I can smell fish'.

Two ducks waddled into the bar. The firsr duck said, 'Quack'. The second duck said , 'Ammazing - I was going to say that.' 'I got some advice about weather forcastong the other day. You go out and feel your dog - if he's dry it's not raining; if he's wet it is raining; if he's very wet it's pouring down; if his fur is on end it's windy. if he's covered in frost it's frosty and if he's covered in snow it's snowing. Of course for this to work you must leave your dog outside.' 'Whoever gave you that advice?' 'My cat.' 'My son got has at last got a part in a play.' 'Great - I bet you're excited.' 'Well yes but he's playing the role of a married man. I would have preferred him to have a speaking part.'

A piece of black tarmac came into the bar. It ordered a pint and kept telling everyone that he was really, really hard. Then a piece of red tarmac in and the black tarmac hid under a table until the red tarmac left. 'I thought you were hard.' the barmaid teased, 'but when the red tarmac appeared you went grey and hid.' 'Well,' came the reply, 'you've got to have some sense - he's a cycle path!'

'The earwig football team has the best support - 'ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!' 'I phoned Pompey Football Ground and asked what was the kick-off time for the match. They said: 'When can you get here?' Hey, you've got a nasty stain on the back of your jacket.' 'I know. I had friends around for dinner last night and I laid on a curry.' 'The butcher will be bit late tonight. He sat on a bacon slicer and he's got a little behind with his orders.' The butcher will have to retire soon, He can't get the meat off the top hooks. He says the steaks are too high.' I see you've got a long piece of tarmac with you.' 'Yes and I'd like a pint for myself and one for the road.'

The police recently arrested a man for fraud after he claimed that the 'secret formula' tablets he was selling gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed that it was the fifth time he had been prosecuted for the same offence. He had previously been prosecuted in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

'That girl over there is very skinny.' 'That's enorexia nervosa.' 'I'm amazed - do you know everybody?' 'Where are you from?' 'Scotland.' 'Which part?' 'All of me.' Pair of jump leads: 'Four half pints of bitter please.' Barman: 'I'm not serving you with alcohol. If I do you'll start something.' An idea came in : 'Could I have a brandy please?' 'No - you're out of your mind.' Printing fonts: 'We'd like some beers.' 'No - we don't serve your type here.' 'Why have you got jelly in one ear and sponge in the other?' Sorry, you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

'Hello seal. What would you like?' I think I'll have a whiskey - but not Canadian Club if you don't mind.

Is there a B&Q in Southampton?' No but there's an S and an N.'

'My daughter swallowed a £1 coin and she's had to go to hospital. I've just phoned but they said that there's no change.'

'How did you afford all those budgies?' 'I got them on higher perches.'

Paper bag: 'I'm worried that my mum might have aids - she was a carrier.'

He's got a rubber trumpet because he plays in an elastic band.

'I've never seen purple customers before.' 'We were shipwrecked and got marooned.'

'There are three kinds of golfer - those who can count and those who can't.' New litter collector. 'Do I get any training?.' 'No - you just pick it up as you go along.' 'Pharaoh - do you like pyramids?' 'I do up to a point.' 'I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones.' 'It's not unusual.........' 'My new mattress is very comfortable; I bought it in France. The only trouble is it keeps going 'dor doing''. While I was in France I did notice that the sales of escargot were very sluggish.'

'You shouldn't eat oranges unless you've been introjuiced.' Zero was having a drink when 8 came in. 'I like your belt,' said zero. A very round knight arrived at the bar. 'I'm Circumference,' he announced. 'I'm dyslexic and I've walked straight into the bra. Not surprising - I've been awake all night wondering if there is a dog.' 'Dyslexics are no use to this company; you're fried!' Dyslexic bee on a bar: 'Zzub, zzub, zzub, zzub.'