General Chat

New Years Resolution. Didn't make one until yesterday - I went to the bottle bank at Sainsbury's very early in the morning because I was embarrassed. Xmas and New Year empty bottles - clear - green brown - bottle after bottle - I was there for ages . to and from from the boot - what the hell do you do with blue? So there and then I made a new years resolution - No! not to drink less but to go to the bottle bank more often. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.' Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!' 2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested. 3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four policemen and a dog. 4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws. 5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 6. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

If you have been reading all these jokes then it is well worth doing this thread. I thank you most sincerely and I really hope that you 'GET WELL SOON!' Most of the jokes have been so bad that they are laughable! At least they are green - they've all been recycled. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A women who won't do what she's told. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time. Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Scraping the barrel now - will get new material soon though! A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.' A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,and at a point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was keying in.+PENIS+ His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: 'PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH'

'You seem to do less as you get older. I used to procrastinate - now I don't seem to get around to it.' The inflatable pupil who misbehaved was called to see the inflatable headteacher at the inflatable school. The inflatable head said 'You have not only let me down, you have let yourself down and, indeed, you have let the whole school down.' As the very old senior lay dying he ordered his children to put gold bars in a brief case and make sure that it was buried with him. When the man reached heaven he was welcomed warmly by St. Peter. St. Peter asked, 'Just one question.....why have you brought a briefcase full of common house bricks?'

Something a little different - I hope you enjoy it. Through a child’s eyes! Dear God Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny. Dear God, You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean. Dear God. I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M Dear God Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry Dear God Did you mean the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident. Norma Dear God I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God Charles Dear God In bible times did they really talk that fancy. Jennifer Dear God I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying. Elliott Dear God We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely Donna Dear God If you let the dinasor not extinct we would not have a country. I think you did the right thing. Jonathan. Dear God I want to be just like my Dad when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam Dear God I am American. What are you? Robert Dear God Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the one’s you got now? James Dear God I keep waiting for Spring but it never come yet. Don’t forget. Mark Dear God I went to this wedding and they kissed right in Church. Is that O.K.? Neil Dear God If we come back as something please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise Dear God If you give me genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael Dear God I bet it is hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can’t do it. George Dear God Are you really invisible or is that just a trick. Lucy Dear God Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter Dear God Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you me new shoes. Micky D

'Beethoven enjoyed that last joke.' 'How do you know?' 'When I told it to him he said, 'Ha, ha,ha,haa'.' 'I think there's a bomb in a sandwich outside the clubhouse.' 'Is it ticking?' 'No it's cheese and onion.' The hunchback came home from work to see his wife taking the wok from the kitchen cupboard. 'Great,' he said. 'Are we having a stir fry?' 'No'. she replied. 'I'm just going to iron your best shirt.' 'I'll have an oxo cube,' ordered the hyena. 'What do you want an oxo cube for?' 'I want to make a laughing stock of myself.' 'Can I have a steak and kiddly pie please?' 'Do you mean steak and kidney pie?' 'That's what I said diddle I?' Two strawberries were cooking in a pot, and it got hotter and more uncomfortable every moment. Said one to the other: 'You know, if us two hadn't been found in the same bed, we wouldn't be in this jam now.'

'My friend is in hospital - he ate a daffodil bulb instead of an onion. Still, he'll be out in the spring.' A man walked into the bar with a rabbit bsticking out of his behind. 'What's your name?' asked Sandra. 'Warren.' came the reply. 'Hey, kidnappers have captured one of our greenkeepers. They have threatened that, unless we pay the ransom, they will release him' 'We're collecting money to send (your local) football team to Blackpool.' 'Why are you doing that?' 'It's the only way we can give them the experience of riding in an open top bus.' A golfer came in off the golf course with an injured leg. 'Can you do something with this? he asked. 'I don't know who it belongs to.'

Graffiti day. Beethoven scares little kids! The sixties would have been a total loss but for the Beatles. Mozart refreshes best! Bach's Organ Works. So does mine! A woman is like a piano - if she's not upright she's grand!!! Sir Thomas Beecham doesn't know his brass from his oboe! (I think my pal's mark today will be three out of six!)

Ten Painful Puns 1. Two vultures board and airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger.” 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never mounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold so they lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once again, that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw” 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 7. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up the shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. (Don’t get that one!) 9. Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did! BOOM! BOOM!

You know to make a gel feel special, lol Caz

Have you ever thought that 'Alexander the Great' and 'Winnie the Pooh' have the same middle name. 'I'm teaching my cat a second language.' 'Really! How is she getting on?' 'Fine. She can already say 'Woof'.' 'I don't count sheep to help me sleep any more. I've updated and use the baa code.' At a second hand shop a wasp expert bought an old record labelled as having every known wasp buzz. The next day the expert brought the record back. He complained to the assistant that he had played the record but hadn't been able to recognise any of the sounds. The assistant asked, 'Are you sure you didn't play the bee side?' One One was a race horse, Two Two was one too. One One won one race one day; Two Two won one too.

A few graffitis now. BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL WHITE AIN'T SO BAD BLACK IS STILL BEAUTIFUL. NOSTAGIA ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE! True - it's a thing of the past. The happiest day is that day in the past that you always run back to when the present proves too unbearable. This country is being screwed by apathy! What's apathy? I don't know and I don't care. LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR - BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT!

'Where can I weigh this pie?' 'Above a rainbow.' 'Why above a rainbow?' 'Somewhere over a rainbow weigh a pie.' 'That pig over there has lost his voice. He's really disgrunted.' 'Mum ,' asked the lion cub. 'If we're not supposed to eat humans , why are they made of meat.' 'Dad, why are us tigers always marked with stripes?' 'That's so we aren't spotted.' 'This cow was made pregnant by artificial insemination.' 'I don't believe it.' 'It's true - straight up, no bull.' I am carrying on this thread as long as I possibly can - for Caz. Thank you Caz!

'Hey, why have you come in with a cabbage on a lead.' 'Oh dear, I thought it was my collie.' 'The potato asked for a toasted tea cake. 'Sorry, Lynn said. We don't serve food in here,' 'The onion cut itself.' 'What did it do?' 'It cried.' 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in our bar', said Jerry to the two golfers. 'Fair enough,' said one golfer, 'We'll swap.' 'Yes she's a baker's daughter - very well bread.' 'How much are your pork pies?' 'They're £1 for two.' 'How much for one?' 'One cost's 75p.' 'Oh good. I'll have the other one.'

'My wife wants our house painted gold. I suppose it's her guilt complex'. They've fired the human cannon ball because he was shot away. Now they're looking for someone of the same calibre. It's a pity that dwarf has a low elf esteem. If you want to destroy a circus go for the jugular. 'Hey cannibal what happened to you on holiday? You've only got one leg.' 'Terrible nuisance that holiday. I didn't know it was self catering.' 'Have you found your wife in the jungle yet?' 'No, and I'm a bit worried about the cannibal.' 'Why's that? 'He told me that he had met my wife and she made a nice stew.'

'Saddam Huessein used to keep his dvds in a rack'. 'There's a madman running loose around the nudist colony with a chainsaw. A policeman has had a tip off.' 'I finished this jigsaw puzzle in four weeks. That's really fast because on the box it says three to five years'. 'Can you remember where you put your favourite hat?' 'Not off the top of my head.' 'The bearded lady tripped over her beard and broke her neck. The circus owner said it was a freak accident'. 'My friend has given up being a contorionist - she couldn't make ends meet'.

'What's that girl doing standing in the middle of the tennis court?' 'Oh, that's Annette' An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scot, a Rabbi and a Vicar strolled into the bar. 'Is this some kind of joke ?' Sandra asked. 'Have you got digital TV?' 'Oh! yes. I always switch it on with my finger'. 'Hey, Brutus, I don't feel well. I've got a stabbing pain in my stomach'. 'Well how many green apples did you eat Caeser?' 'Ate two Brutus'. 'You can't come in here', Sharon told Shakespeare. 'You're bard'. Her majesty the queen has knighted the inventor of the zip fastener. He's now known as Lord of the Flies.

lol Caz

'That pebble is very, very timid. I've told him that he will have to be a little boulder'. My hairdresser asked me if I wanted it cut right around at the back. I said, 'No thanks. I'm quite comfortable sitting here'. 'My Yankee friend has mental problems. He used to think he was a city. He's gone from bad to worse and now he's worked himself into a state.' 'That guitar in the corner has had a nervous breakdown. No one is surprised; it was very highly strung'. 'My clairvoyant can't see me due to unforseen circumstances'. 'Lynn, may I have some ox tail please?' 'O.K. Once there was an ox........'.