General Chat

Paddy and Mick are out for a pint o' the black stuff, Its getting late and Paddy says to Mick "I got a new flat would you like to come back and see it Mick?" Mick replies "Aye ok Paddy and we can take a wee drink back with us and christen it!" So the two stagger back to Paddys and are sitting having a dram when Mick says to Paddy
"Lovely flat hi but whats with the big brass gong above your fireplace?" That's my speaking clock Mick!" says Paddy.
Mick "how does that work then?"
Paddy lifts a big stick and wack's it one. Where a voice roars from next door "IT'S TWENTY PAST TWO IN THE FECKIN MARNIN FOR FECK SAKE!"

The young monk’s first day.

He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the
church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !

His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,



'The word was...
CELEB R ATE’

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate...
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the American the job."

......Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "

You put down, "Neither do I."

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.

How Moses got the Ten Commandments.



> God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
>
> The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
>
> And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
>
> 'Can you give us an example?'
>
> 'Thou shall not kill.'
>
> 'Not kill? We're not interested..'
>
> So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father
> and Mother.'
>
> 'Father? We don't even know who our fathers are. We're not
> interested.'
>
> Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall
> not steal.'
>
> 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
>
> Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not
> commit adultery.'
>
> 'Sacre blue!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
>
> Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
>
> 'They're free.'
>
> 'We'll take 10.'
>
> There, that should offend just about everybody!!!!!!
>

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.. "

Rangi was standing on the door step watching Tama collecting the rubbish.
As Tama went by he yells out to Rangi
“Hey bro where’s you bin”??
Rangi replies, “I bin in Australia”
“NO” replies Tama “where’s your wheelie bin”?
“Oh I wheelie bin in jail, but I like to tell people I bin in Australia.”

ROFL PG~~~~

Where do you get them from :-D :-D

t A man went into his local police station and complained to the Desk
Sergeant, "I've just been robbed!" "And where did this happen?" the Desk
sergeant enquired. "At the local petrol station", the man replied. "Do
you know the offender?" asked the Sergeant. "Yeah", the man replied.
"Pump Number 6"


----------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------
"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen."
--------------------------------------------------
The Queen and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at C.H.O.G.M. in
front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Ms. Gillard and said,
"You know with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in
this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display,
but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day
and rejoice!" Gillard arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, one
little wave of your hand... show me!" Then the Queen backhanded her.

----------------------------------------------------
Helping me sort old clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked. "It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings." "Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile,
"we'll use it next Christmas Eve."
---------------------------------------------------- >
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a
quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the
Surgery waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong
with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the
tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay
their last respects. "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door
mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm
and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That's because he died in his sleep."
explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he
wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why
would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
----------------------------------------------------
IT WAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a n_dist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn't amused. "Figures," he said. "I finally get to go to a n-dist colony, and they're having a costume party!"
---------------------------------------------------
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father.
"The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two
arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from
Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert,
the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to
tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we
were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your
mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never
found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said,
"You mean we're b*stards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
---------------------------------------------------- >
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is the husband! ---------------------------------------------------
- In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of
glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a
grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause. On his weekly
time card he describes his position as: Meat Head.
---------------------------------------------------- >
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In
the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling
up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He
proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was
cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of
cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my
parakeet."

Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose his job? A: Because he couldn't
control his pupils. Q: What did the boy say after his math teacher
assigned four pages of homework. A: Boy, do I have problems. Q: Why is a fish easy to weigh? A: Because it has its own scales! Q: Who does the
ocean date? A: It goes out with the tide. Q: What do you get if you
cross two punsters with a hen? A: Two comedians who lay eggs with a lot of bad yolks.

The Friday Funnies


> There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
> ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing
> me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
> Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the
> hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she
> was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in
> the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little
> clearer! --------------------------------------------- >
> . Thats wrong on so many different levels. I want to die peacefully in
> my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the
> passengers in his car. Church going doesn't make you a Christian any
> more than standing in a garage makes you a car m,echanic. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
> --------------------------------------------- >
> As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for
> my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got rubies
> and diamonds?" I asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it will cost just as
> much." ---------------------------------------------
>
> Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of
> questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it. "Have you ever heard that
> curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked. "No," replied Terra. "Well,
> there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked
> into a big hole, fell in, and died!" Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What
> was in the hole?"
---------------------------------------------
> >From Christine (true story) Children at our childcare centre were
> playing fire fighting and one boy aged 4 and 1/2 was dressed up in all
> the protective gear he could find. a teacher commented on this and he
> replied "I've got a helmet to protect my head, gloves to protect my
> hands , boots to protect my feet, a jacket to protect my body and an
> oxygen tank so I can breathe" "You certainly are well protected "said
> the teacher. "No " he said, cupping his trousers with his hands "My
> balls are on fire"
--------------------------------------------- >
A man > from out east had always dreamed of owning a cattle ranch and had finally saved enough money to buy his dream spread in Wyoming. His best friend flew out to visit and asked, "So, what's the name of your ranch?"
> His buddy told him that he had a really hard time coming up with a name that he liked. He and his wife couldn't agree on what to call it so they settled on, "The Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch." ---------------------------------------------
> His friend was really impressed and then asked, "So where are all the
> cows?" To which the new rancher replied, "We had quite a few.but none of them survived the branding!
> " ---------------------------------------------
> >--------------------------------------------- >
l A woman out shopping
> with her husband spots a pair of boots she loves. The husband says: "No
> chance love, they're way too expensive". Later on in bed, the wife is
> just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand
> on her hip. She turns to him and says. "I don't think so, pal.... If
> you're not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren't
> riding it!"
>
> --------------------------------------------- >

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A cent." Smith asks, "Can I have a cent?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
>
> --------------------------------------------- One day Steve's mom was
> cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S & M magazine.
> This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father
> got home. When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. After an
> uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what
> should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T
> think we should spank him."
>
> ---------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' ---------------------------------------------
>
"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
> can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
> laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --
> ---------------------------------------------
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden." Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you
> find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've
> just wet mine."
>
> ---------------------------------------------
Q: Why do mermaids wear
> seashells? A: Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
> Q: What's big & round at the bottom, pointy on the top; and has ears? A:
> A mountain; what, you never heard of mountain-ears.
>

I was in the Costa coffee shop recently when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered..... I was listening to my iPod!
…and how was your day?
(That's what happens when old people start using technology !)

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you!

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while:
Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there;
its the Bullshit and Arse Kissing that will put you over the top. Now I know why some people are where they are!

Lol PF ;-)

> I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans crisis centre. A
guy called and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway
track at Southern Cross and I’m waiting for the train to come". I swear,
all I said was,” Remain calm and stay on the line".
-------------------------------------------------

> As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking
Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not
dead! Let me out!!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through
his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
-------------------------------------------------

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful. ---------------------------------------------------

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should
diet. Patient: Really? What color?
-------------------------------------------------

. A true story. A few years back I was attending an in house seminar
for Red Cross. The C.P.R./ First Aid Teacher had an hour to fill in
before her next class and asked if we would like a quick revision We
took advantage of it. To save time she handed us all an inexpensive
freezer bag and asked us to use that on our dummies so she would not
have to disinfect all the mouth pieces for the next group. One dippy
woman, constantly talking missed the instruction because she was busy
telling everyone how her husband had a bad heart and she needed to know
what to do. When it came time for this woman to used the dummy she asked
the teacher " Now if my husband has a heart attack, how far do I push
the plastic bag into his mouth." When it was her turn to do compression
on a baby, she picked up the doll and it's head fell off. Lucky for her
husband we no longer need to do mouth to mouth.

------------------------------------------------- To get his mind off
his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding.
Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off. "How do I stop?" he
yelled. "Bet on it!" I hollered back.
-------------------------------------------------
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he
removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered
another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full
of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well,"
said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so
peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar
of olives." -------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs
and says, "Man, what a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!" The
wife mutters, "Now you know how I feel."

------------------------------------------------- > A very tired nurse
walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 15-hour shift. Preparing
to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her handbag and
tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the
flabbergasted teller but without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's
great....that's just great..........some a...hole's got my pen!

------------------------------------------------- A Sunday school
teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and
wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I
were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his
money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a
confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

------------------------------------------------- > Sister Mary Jane
entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest said, "Sister, this is a
silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may
not speak until I direct you to do so." She lived in the monastery for 5
years before the priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have
been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine
thought for a moment and said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the
priest said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years,
Sister Mary Katherine was called in by the priest. "You may say another
two words, Sister " he said. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine.
The priest assured her that the food would be better in the future On
her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. He said, "You may say two words today."
"I'm leaving," said Sister Mary Katherine "It's probably best," said the
priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
-------------------------------------------------

After examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, the
doctor took the woman's husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks
of your wife at all." "Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a
great cook, and she's really good with the kids."

------------------------------------------------- Q: What time is it
when a elephant sits on a fence? A: Time to get a new fence! Q: What do
you find in a clean nose? A: Fingerprints! Q: How did the blonde break
her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: Why don't blind
people skydive? A: It scares the hell out of the dog. Q: What do you get
when you cross a Bumble Bee with a doorbell? A: A Real Hum-dinger.

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life
into a dummy.

I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

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There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all
that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that
money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

---------------------------------------------------



Desmond, who was a real town-dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.

Helping the young man out, the farmer hitched Dobbin up to the car and
shouted loudly, "Pull, Dolly, pull!" Dobbin didn't move one inch.

Then the farmer yelled, "Pull, Robbie, pull." Still Dobbin failed to
respond.

Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, "Pull, Ringo, pull."
Again - nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, "Pull, Dobbin, pull."
Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his donkey by a different name three times.

The farmer whispered by way of reply, "Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

---------------------------------------------------


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

---------------------------------------------------

A man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a teddy.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.

---------------------------------------------------



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely s*xy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heart-throb noticed her overtly attentive stare
and walked directly towards her, confidently, as any man would. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me
to do, no matter how k-nky, for $50.00, on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $50 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked long, deeply, provocatively and very passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement. Slowly and meaningfully she whispered.....

"Clean my house."

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My hubby recently went into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for me.

He was shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to me and asks me to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.

Upstairs, I think, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and get
a £150 refund for myself".

So I appear naked at the top of the stairs and strike a pose.

My hubby says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

.. A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

.. A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years !!"