General Chat

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. 'Oh' said the counselor, 'I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.'

A long story today. Story from Days of Old Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur''s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch''s proposition to have an answer by year''s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur''s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur''s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur''s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur''s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or,would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is... If you don''t let a woman have her own way... things are going to get ugly. :

A nice one from Caz. By the way Caz has contributed quite a few - I am now going to give her credits!!!! What my parents taught me. 1. My parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My parents taught me RELIGION - “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL - 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. My parents taught me LOGIC - ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My parents taught me MORE LOGIC - 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My parents taught me FORESIGHT - “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My parents taught me IRONY - “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST - “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA - “You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11. My parents taught me about WEATHER - “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12 My parents taught me about HYPOCRISY - 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. My parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE - “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. My parents taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION - 'Stop acting like your father!' 15. My parents taught me about ENVY - “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 16. My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION - “Just wait until we get home.' 17. My parents taught me about RECEIVING - 'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. My parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.' 19. My parents taught me ESP - “Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 20. My parents taught me HUMOUR - 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 21. My parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT - 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 22. My parents taught me GENETICS - 'You're just like your father.' 23. My parents taught me about my ROOTS - 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 24. My parents taught me WISDOM - “When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 25. My parents taught me about JUSTICE - 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making lorry driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The lorry driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.' 'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a taxi to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The taxi driver just drives away.' 'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this pub, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

A few graffitis. Looby Loo is a lousy lay ----------Andy Pandy Margaret Thatcher for P.M. ------and what about A.M. duckie! Pinocchio is a swinger. GOLDA MEIR IS A MASOCHIST ---------------but she speaks English! Wellingtons mistresses were all OLD BOOTS! What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Graffiti and a joke. God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved. My God is alive - sorry about yours. Does God believe in people? God isn't dead - he just couldn't find a parking space. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' He sighed......... ....... 'Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.......'

Another nice little joke! PEANUTS ======= A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, 'That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!' Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, 'Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!' He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, 'That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!' He immediately calls the waiter over and says, 'Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look! Am I GOING CRAZY?? 'Oh', the waiter nonchalantly replies, 'those are just the peanuts'. 'The PEANUTS?!?' the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him . 'Yes,' replies the waiter, 'they're complimentary!!

After a deliberate delay here is a nice little joke. A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again.' she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you twit!' The moral of the story: 'Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.'

'Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.' 'An open marriage is natures way of telling you that you need a divorce.' 'The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.' 'We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.' 'Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.' 'Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.' “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.'

'The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do.' 'If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks.' 'If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.' 'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.' 'Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.' 'Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.' 'My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.'

Have you ever been rudely awakend by your boss when falling asleep at your computer station. Well here are the top ten reaction excuses to be uttered immediately you are disturbed - please practice! 10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. 9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. 8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time. 7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance. 5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga? 4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem! 3. The coffee machine is broken. 2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot. 1. Amen.

Oops! A few repeats for the readers who pay attention.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: Penicillin 'The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.' 'The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.' 'When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.' 'What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.' 'In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.' 'My fiancee and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no expense spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement.' I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.' “A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.' 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.'

Chuckle facts. In the 1950s people laughed, on average, 18 times a day - four times more than we do today. Laughter engages every major system in the body. A joyful belly-laugh can exercise every muscle, nerve and organ in the torso. If you were able to sustain a belly-laugh for one full hour, you could laugh off up to 500 calories. The health benefits of laughter were first investigated on the 1960s after American Norman Cousins wrote a book about how he cured himself of the crippling condition ankylosing spondylitis through laughter and vitamin C. He whiled away his hours in hospital watching The Marx brothers and Candid Camera and noticed that following a heavy bout of laughter he could have two pain-free hours of sleep. In time, he recovered from the potentially fatal disease. Hewlett-Packard in Denmark noticed a 40 per cent increase in sales after sending employees on a laughter programme. In the movie Patch Adams, Robin Williams played a doctor who treated his patients by making them laugh. The movie was based on a true story. (and a good movie it was too!) Laughing can help protect against colds and viruses by increasing levels of antibodies in the nose and respiratory passages. It can also help fight cancer by increasing the natural killer cells and T-cells that destroy some cancer cells. It’s the flip-side to stress, lowering the stress hormone cortisol while increasing endorphins. High levels of cortisal suppress the immune system and cause blood pressure to rise. People who are depressed, angry or nervous are three times more likely to get ill than those who are energetic, relaxed and happy. American professor William Fry says laughing 100-200 times a day is the cardiovascular equivalent of rowing for 10 minutes. Laughing reduces allergic responses, including hay fever symptoms, and can be a useful aid to stopping smoking. Laughter releases and loosens tense muscles caused by stress. When we’re stressed we tense and hunch our shoulders to protect our most vulnerable area, our jugular. Laughter releases this tension and counteracts the anxiety. Only one in every five times we laugh is humorous - the rest of the time we’re expressing other emotions such as anger, anxiety, sadness and nervousness. Forget sit-ups: laughing will even help tone your tummy by exercising your abdominal muscles, hence the phrase “I laughed till my sides hurt.” The adage “Laugh and the world laughs with you” has recently been proven to be accurate. The Journal of Neuroscience found laughter uncontrollably triggers the impulse to laugh back.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

'The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.' 'The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.' 'When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.' 'What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.' 'In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.' 'My fiancee and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no expense spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement.'

A little graffiti this evening. Old hippies never die------- ----they just trip away. Blow your mind... Smoke gunpowder. God is alive and living in a sugar cube. Come alive, you're in the banana generation. Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs. Be placid with acid. Melts in your mind ... not in your hand. Acid indegestion can be fun. Grass is natures way of saying 'High!'

'Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.' 'I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' 'I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.' 'I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.' 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.' 'Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.'

'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.' 'Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.' 'A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.' 'When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.' 'I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment.' 'Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.'

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? A: He wouldn't ask for directions Why are married women heavier than single women? single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to 'instruction manuals' Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A: A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.