General Chat

'As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.' 'I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.' 'One of the reasons I don't see eye to eye with Women's Lib is that women have it all on a plate if only they knew it. They don't have to be pretty either.' 'When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.' 'Direct thought is not an attribute of feminity. In this, women are now centuries behind man.' 'When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs.' 'Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.' 'Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.' 'Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property.' 'I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.'

'The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.' 'When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.' 'Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control..' 'Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.' 'I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.' 'A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.' 'If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks.' 'No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.' 'Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.' 'Women love men for their defects; if men have enough of them women will forgive them everything, even their gigantic intellects.'

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is about to retire, and has been notified by his bosses that he must first find a replacement bell ringer. He places a notice in the 'Help Wanted' section of the local paper, and one day an applicant climbs the stairs to the bell tower, in search of employment. The Hunchback cautions him on the dangers involved in the job - mainly, that of slipping and falling to one's death while bell ringing. The applicant seems unimpressed by this, and explains to the Hunchback that he comes from a long line of bell ringers, and that his family uses a special bell ringing technique. The Hunchback, eager to see this, asks him to audition. The applicant goes up to a large bell perched high in the tower, pulls it towards him, and smashes his forehead into it to make it sound. Dazed from the impact, he stumbles and falls from the tower to his death below. The Hunchback climbs down there to find a crowd gathered and a policeman who says, 'I see someone fell from your bell tower - do you know who he is?' The Hunckback replies, 'No, but his face rings a bell ...' The next day, another applicant arrives for the job. It turns out this fellow is the brother of the one who fell to his death the other day. In like manner, he demonstrates his familial bell-ringing technique, and he, too, stumbles and falls to his death below. The Hunchback again ambles down to check out the scene, where the policeman says, 'Hmmm. ... another one ... did you know him well?' The Hunchback replies, 'No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother ...'

For the ladies! 'What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'' 'The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.' 'Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.' 'Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.' 'I married beneath me. All women do.' 'A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.' 'I'm glad I'm not bisexual; I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.' 'You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.' 'There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.' 'An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.'

'When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.' 'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' 'There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.' 40. 'We've just marked our tenth wedding aniversary on the calendar and threw darts at it.' 'My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.' 'It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.' 'My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.' 'My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.' 'Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.' 'It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.' 'The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs.' 'Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.' 'The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.' 'I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.'

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. 'He comes in the house with muddy feet,' she said, 'tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.'

Keeping it going! Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a boiled potato? A. It takes longer to mash an elephant. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a tea bag? A. A tea bag that never forgets. Q. Why do elephants wear suspenders? A. To hold up their elepants. Q. What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A. A mouse on vacation.

Newlyweds A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?' 'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...' Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!' 'Sarah,' her mother said, 'calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' 'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter, 'I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!' 'Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!' Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

A rendering from Caz! - No, she's not a silly old bat. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. 'OK, follow me' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 'Now, do you see that tree over there?' he asked. 'Yes, Yes, Yes!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 'Good' said the bat, 'Because I sure as hell didn't!'

* The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast * Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work * Mrs JimJr lives great on my income; now I need one of my own * If you're 'not yourself today', enjoy it while ya can * Maybe he/she doesn't 'act stupid'; it might be the real thing * If Clinton's tongue were notarized, I'd still think he's lying * If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it ? * If a man's 'Captain of his ship', his wife's likely the Admiral * Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it * There's still 'incurable romantics' -- we need better antibiotics * What this country needs is products that outlast the wrappings * Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years * Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along * Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers * A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran * Teamwork is as easy as freckles getting together to make a tan * Those who use body language need to improve their vocabularies * These days, an 'underprivileged kid' only has one set of parents

'Love is in the air' - it's a Valentines theme. Reprinted again - for it is this time of year. Love Valentine (third century) The patron saint of love has been identified with two early Christians: a priest martyred in Rome in c. 269 and buried on the Flaminian way north of the city, and a bishop of Terni, in Umbria, who was also executed in Rome. Although ecclesiastical authorities in the seventeenth century asserted that they were the same person, some modern experts believe the priest-martyr to be the real valentine. The reasons for his association with lovers are also disputed. One possibility is that it derives from the centuries-old belief that birds choose their mates on 14 February, the saint’s feast day: another, that it is a survival from the Roman festival of Lupercalia held in mid-February to secure fertility and keep evil away. What is certain is that troubled lovers have invoked him since medieval times, and that the custom of sending a Valentine’s Day card to a chosen partner, first commercialised in the United States in the 1840’s, has grown into a major industry. Third century; identity disputed FEAST DAY; 14 February Roses are symbols of love. Some graffiti on 'Love' Why does free love cost so much. If it moves fondle it! Sex causes blindness. EYEBALLS!! Even dirty old men need love! Put a little love into your sex life. Make haste! Make love! Haste is passe and for amateurs. Love is a many gendered thing. Girls. What do you do when you find your cat is with another cat? Let the cats be happy together and find a man! Can I have a date? How about 1066?

Rooner Spules OK Schizophrenia divides and rules - OK? Queensbury Rules - KO? Gershwin Rules - OH KAY! Archimedes rules - Eurekay! Mallet rules - croquet? Pooves rule - Ooh Gay?

Einstein rules relativity OK Queen Elizabeth Rules UK Dyslexia rules KO The Law of the Excluded middle either rules or does not rule OK Amnesia rules ......er......um Sausage roles OK? Roget's Thesaurusb rules- Ok, All right, Very well, You bet, Certainly.

Another Caz contribution - she's a bit of a sage really. A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard i about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Phew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

This is definitely a lady's contribution. And you know who. Men are like:- ..Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. .Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. .Government bonds. They take so long to mature. .Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it. .Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright. .Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. .High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair. .Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs. .Handguns. Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it. .Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. .Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. .Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

From Caz Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

From Caz, she's on top of the tree. Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

From Caz. A man took his Rotweiler to the vet and said to him, 'My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?' 'Well,' said the vet 'let's have a look at him' The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. 'Well,' says the vet 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'Just because he's cross-eyed?' say's the man. 'No, because he's heavy,' says the vet.

A rendering from Caz! (It has to be, after all 'things only a women understands' is not in my agenda and 'male bashing' is not my scene! Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN Male Bashing Q. What did God say after creating Adam? A. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask for directions. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? 'I am ' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do ' is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?' If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?