General Chat

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - Bitch Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

From caz. AAaawwwhhh! I wish I was a glow worm Cause a glow worms never glum How can you be unhappy When the sun shines out your bum!!!

From Caz ( Near Heathrow) A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS........... A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)

Forrest Gump is dead. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. The gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. It is St Peter himself. 'Well, Forrest, it certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. It is now our policy to administer an entrance examination which you must pass before you can get into Heaven.' 'Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams,” says Forrest, “Sure hope the test ain't too hard: life was a big enough test as it was. But the test will be like a box of chocolates - you never know until you bite into it. So dish her up to me now. I'm a-ready St Pete.' The test I have for you is only three questions. The first one is, what days of the week begin with the letter T?' 'Second, how many seconds are there in a year?' 'Third, what is God's first name?' 'Take your time, think about it and come back to me when you reckon that you have the answers.' Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day. St Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow! The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.' 'How about the next one,” says St Peter, 'How many seconds in a year?' 'Now that one's harder' says Forrest,” But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' Astounded, St Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?' Forrest says, “Shucks, Ther gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...' 'Hold it”, interrupts St Peter.”Isee where you are going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too. “Let’s go on with the next and final question,” Says St Peter,'Can you tell me God's first name?' Forrest says, 'Well sure, I know God's first name. Everybody probably knows it. It's Howard'. “Howard?” asks St Peter, 'What makes you think it's Howard?' Forrest answers, “it’s in the prayer.” “The prayer?” asks St Peter, 'Which prayer?' “The Lord's prayer,” responds Forrest, “Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy n

An elderly couple are watching TV. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show. ''If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!'' The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin. ''Oh, don't be stupid!'' says the old woman. ''He said heal, not raise the dead!'' One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.

Anything you like. A chap was talking to his friend . “When I got up this morning to play golf my wife implored me not to go but stay in bed with her” She said “Tie me up and you can do anything you like“. “What did you do? said the friend. “Well I tied her up and went to the golf course.”

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan, and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm, and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out; but, he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

The local preacher. A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. “And how would I go about that?” he asked. “It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put twenty dollars in the collection plate.' So the next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plate was full of twenty dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. 'Shit!' exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church. A young golfer at the Golf Club was seen pouring petrol over a Senior Golfer. The police were called and upon approaching the young golfer the Policeman shouted 'Hey! What are you doing?' The young golfer replied 'About six to the gallon officer.'

Vive la difference But do you really know what “la difference” is? Be prepared for a surprise when you test your responses to these 15 statements - five of them true, ten of them false. 1. Women make more fuss than men about minor and imaginary ailments. True or false? 2. Men tend to be more self-centred than women. True or false? 3. Women talk more about men than men talk about women. True or false? 4. Men are more truthful. True or false? 5. Women are more easily bored than men. True or false? 6. Men are fussier about their food. True or false? 7. Women tend to be more cheerful and optimistic than men. True or false? 8. Men can manage on less sleep than women. True or false? 9. Wives understand their husbands better than their husbands understand them. True or false? 10. Husbands are generally more intelligent than their wives. True or false? 11. In a severe crisis, women are more likely to go to pieces than men. True or false? 12. Men have a greater capacity for happiness than women. True or false? 13. Women are better at solving complicated problems than men. True or false? 14. Men have quicker reflexes and react faster than women. True or false? 15. Women are not the more talkative sex, despite the widespread masculine belief that they are. True or false? Vive la Difference answers. Vive la difference Answers 1. TRUE. We can hear the women’s protests: “You should see my husband when he has a cold!” Nevertheless, in study of over 5000 men and women it was found tha women had a greater tendency to exaggerate all types of ailments. 2. FALSE. Psychologists have found that women are the more self-centred sex. Studies show that they have fewer outside interests than men, and are more preoccupied with personal concerns and problems. 3. TRUE. University investigators found that women discussed men far more often than men discussed women. In fact, women talked about men more often than they talked about any other subject - except other women. Men’s conversations were most frequently devoted to business , money, other men - and then women. 4. FALSE. Psychological tests showed that, although women were no less evasive than men, where outright lies were concerned men led the field. 5. FALSE. Studies show that men are more restless by temperament than women, and much more easily bored by repetitive action. Possibly one reason why women are less bored by monotony is that they are more given to introspection and day-dreaming. 6. FALSE. Leading university studies show that women are far more finicky about what they eat than men, and dislike more foods. 7. FALSE. Studies by university psychologists shown that women are more subject to feeling depressed and “down in the dumps” than men. . 8. TRUE. Authorities find that the average woman requires appreciably more sleep than the average man. 9. FALSE. A psychologist making an intensive study of married couples subjected each husband and wife to tests designed to reveal their knowledge and understanding of the other’s character and personality. Husbands had far better insight into their wives’ character and were able to predict much more accurately how they would react under specific conditions. 10. TRUE. Studies show that women tend to be attracted to men they can look up to intellectually. Men, on the other hand, tend to shy away from women who have more brains than they have. This does not mean that men are superior in general intelligence, but women tend to “marry up“. 11. FALSE. Psychological studies show conclusively that, while minor emergencies tend to upset a woman more, in a real crisis she is likely to remain calmer than the average male. 12. FALSE. Studies show that women not only have a greater capacity for happiness than men, but they also have a greater capacity for unhappiness. According to one well-known psychologist, “Women experience the extremes of marital happiness and unhappiness more keenly than their husbands.” 13. FALSE. A two-year university study demonstrated that, other factors being equal, men are as much as 50% more proficient than women in solving complicated problems. 14. TRUE. Numerous psychological studies on reaction time show that, when a man’s senses warn him of approaching danger, he goes into action much faster than the average woman. 15. FALSE. A leading psychologist, evaluating the findings of scientific investigators, finds that the female begins to out-talk the male shortly after infancy and holds a verbal edge from then on. She talks more readily , longer and faster. But it is in verbal fluency, rather than iin the grasp of verbal meanings, that females are superior.

Not so loveable! Q. What's the definition of the bravest man in the world? A. The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.' Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading Man says: 'This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache.' Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.' A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.

Love again! 'The heart and the soul must bind together to make true love.' - Unknown 'True love is when you have to watch a friend leave, with the knowledge that you might never see him again. But you know he'll be in your mind and heart forever...' - Unknown 'So many times I thought I would never find someone to love me the way I needed to be loved. Then you came into my life and showed me what true love really is!' - Unknown 'With true love comes no doubts, no jealousy, and no worries.' - Unknown 'If their smile warms your heart, embrace eases you, and kiss distills all wrong done to man, then you know that you have found true love.' - Unknown 'True love is not for a second, but for eternity.' - Unknown 'True love should be lived like an unperfect circle that has its bumps but never ends.' - Unknown 'True love is not something that comes everyday, Follow your heart, it knows the right answer.' - Unknown 'Nothing compares with the finding of true love, because once you do your heart is complete.' - Unknown 'True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.' - Unknown 'If love is so important to have that one doesn't want to lose it, why is it when we find true love we often don't notice it?' - Unknown 'True love is unconditional and everlasting, it is established over time and validated with memories of the past.' - Unknown 'Countless words, nor countless actions could ever define my feelings for you. True love defies definition.' - Unknown 'True love endures, if it does not, then it was never true.' - Unknown 'No matter how hard things seem, true love will aide you through it.' - Unknown 'Love is a gift, not an obligation, follow your heart and always trust the person you love.' - Unknown 'Love is like air... it's not important unless it's not there!' - Unknown 'Love is like a butterfly, it settles upon you when you least expect it.' - Unknown 'Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.' - Jeff Zinnert 'Love is when your mouth has no need to move to make him/her happy because your heart is beating, and that's all that matters.' - Kaitlin Rogers 'Love is like a knife, it can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that will last a lifetime.' - Unknown 'Love is when you wake up thinking of no one else but, that person!' - Unknown 'Love is when you look into someones eyes and go all the way inside, to their soul and you both know... instantly.' - Angela Chase on My So Called Life 'My heart, my life, my soul....she has the key to them all. She has but to turn the key and allow me to surround her... with my warmth and love.' - Unknown 'No matter how badly your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief.' - Unknown 'My heart smiled when you kissed my lips. What a sweet suprise.' - Jan Arden 'Listen to your heart, for it knows the truth' - Unknown 'Love that remains longest in your heart is the one that is not returned.' - Unknown 'Never have regrets, follow your heart.' - Jeff Zinnert 'Angels capture love and sprinkle it upon our hearts.' - Unknown 'I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.' - Chico Maroc 'A kiss upon the hand of someone you truly love, is more beautiful, and more valuable than any diamond or gem could ever be.' - Unknown 'A legal kiss is never as good as a stolen one.' - Guy de Maupassant 'I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you.' - Unknown 'The stars shine brightest only in your eyes.' - Unknown 'What would it be like to swing on a star, or walk on a cloud? Would it be anything like what I feel whenever you are near?' - Unknown 'Loving someone that doesn't love you is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it but you just got to keep trying.' - Unknown 'All I need is my one star in the sky, to wish for you everyday.' - Unknown 'I wish I had the guts to walk away & forget about what we had, but I can't because I know you won't come after me & that's what hurts the most.' - Unknown 'I'm so afraid to feel nothing so I feel everything.' - Unknown 'All I want to do is get with you and make the pain go away.' -Unknown 'No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.' - Unknown 'Don't wait for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.' - Unknown 'What do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the one who is making you cry?' - Unknown 'I want to be happy because he's happy...but how can I be happy knowing that I'm not the one who's making him smile?' - Unknown 'It's not that I can't live without you...it's just that I don't even want to try.' - Unknown 'There are a million things in the world I want, but all I need is you.' - Unknown 'Guys are like stars... there are a million of them but only one can make your dreams come true.' - Unknown 'One day you'll love me as I love you. One day you'll think of me as I think of you. One day you'll cry for me as I cry for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you.' - Unknown 'Age does not protect us from love, But love to some extent protects us from age.' - Unknown 'Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.' - Julius Gordon 'Sometimes the perfect person for you is the one you least expect.' - Unknown 'There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart, pursue those.' - Unknown 'I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without one!' - City Of Angels (movie) 'If you spend your life trying to find the perfect 'one', you'll find it too late. True love comes when you least expect it.' - Francesca R. Aguado 'Love goes unseen, until you see it go.' - Unknown

From Caz! With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make them smile.

FEMALE AND LOGICAL From the Civil Service Pensioner magazine. A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil” however is masculine: “el lapiz.” A student asked “What gender is ‘computer‘” ? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for it’s recommendation. The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la comptadora”), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half you pay on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER) The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”) , because 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and ; 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model;. WHO WON?

More thingy's on LOVE! 'A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.' - Unknown 'Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.' - Unknown 'True love is when your heart and your minds are saying the same thing.' - Leanna L. Bartram 'Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.' - Unknown 'Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart, or burn down your house, you can never tell.' - Unknown 'Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?' - Susan Lipsett and Liz Nelson 'Love is like quicksand--the deeper you fall in, the harder it is to get out.' - Unknown 'The heart has it's reasons that reason does not know.' - Pascal 'Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.' - Merle Shan 'The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.' - Disraeli 'To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.' - Theophile Gautier 'You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.' - Barbara De Angelis 'Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.' - Karen Casey 'Love is temporary...but friends are forever.' - Kelly Wheeler 'An immature love says I love you because I need you, but a mature love says I need you because I love you.' - Unknown 'Before you can truly live, you must first learn to love.' - Jennie Clemans 'Let your heart guide you...but listen closely because it whispers' - Land Before Time 'It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.' - Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam 'Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment love begins, but we always recognize the moment it ends?' - Unknown 'Love starts with a SMILE, Grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR.' - Unknown 'Love is friendship, friendship is love. If love fails, friendship should remain. For friendship is the foundation of love' - Unknown 'Promise me you'll never leave me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.' - Winnie the Pooh 'To fall in love is awfully simple, to fall out of love is simply awful.' - Unknown 'You don't get to choose, you just fall.' - Unknown 'The sound of a kiss is not so loud as a cannon, but it's echo lasts a great deal longer.' -Unknown 'The greatest happiness of life it the conviction that we are loved.' - Victor Hugo 'The course of true love never did run smooth.' - William Shakespeare 'Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.' - Unknown 'Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.' - Albert Einstien 'But true love is a durable fire, In the mind ever burning, Never sick, never old, never dead, From itself never turning.' - Unknown 'Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, Shall win my love.' - William Shakespeare 'Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.' - Shakespeare 'In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.' - Janos Arany 'Love and a red nose can't be hid.' - Thomas Holcroft, Duplicity 'Two souls with a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one.' - Friedrich Halm Ingomar the Barbarian 'All is fair in love and war.' - Francais Edward Smedley, Frank Fairleigh 'The secret of love is seeking variety in your life together, and never letting routine chords dull the melody of your romance.' - Unknown 'Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.' - Alexander Smith 'There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.' -La Rochefoucauld 'A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.' - Stendhal 'To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.' - William M. Thackeray 'True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away.' - Alicia Barnhart 'Love is . . . born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation!' - Unknown 'Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love.' - Virgil 'What is a kiss? Why this, as some approve: The sure, sweet cement, glue, and lime of love.' - Robert Herrick 'To be loved, be lovable.' - Unknown 'The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.' - Saint Jerome 'If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he and I was I.' - Unknown

And another fom Caz! Attempts at English! In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Another from Caz! Two-headed Headlines. GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG MAN HELD OVER GIANT BRUSH FIRE DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

During a visit to a mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. 'Well', said the Director, 'We fill a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup.' 'No'. said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?'

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

another joke from Gordon... Bill met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Bill to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Bill's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Bill comments, 'Surely you can't be ready for more already?' Sharon replies, 'No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had one of my own.'

From Caz! - another sexist rendering!!! Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, 'God, please Give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.' Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.