General Chat

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's (allegedly) true. John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was hitch-hiking by the roadside in the middle of a storm on a very dark night. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, then realised to his horror that nobody was behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Terrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car reached the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel! John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window to steer the car, but never touched him. Shortly afterwards, John saw the lights of a pub along the road, so he gathered his strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced. Silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk. Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one of the newcomers said to the other, 'Look, Bruce! There's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'

What the boss thinks. When I take a long time - I am slow When my boss takes a long time - he is thorough When I don't do it - I am lazy When my boss doesn't do it - he is too busy When I do something without being told - I am over-stepping my boundaries When my boss does the same thing - that is initiative When I take a stand - I am stubborn When my boss does it - he is being firm When I overlook a rule of etiquette - I am rude When my boss slips a few rules - he is being original When I please my boss - I am a creep When my boss pleases his boss - he is co-operating When I get ahead - I am lucky When my boss gets ahead - that's hard work

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. The gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. It is St Peter himself. 'Well, Forrest, it certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. It is now our policy to administer an entrance examination which you must pass before you can get into Heaven.' 'Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams,” says Forrest, “Sure hope the test ain't too hard: life was a big enough test as it was. But the test will be like a box of chocolates - you never know until you bite into it. So dish her up to me now. I'm a-ready St Pete.' The test I have for you is only three questions. The first one is, what days of the week begin with the letter T?' 'Second, how many seconds are there in a year?' 'Third, what is God's first name?' 'Take your time, think about it and come back to me when you reckon that you have the answers.' Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day. St Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow! The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.' 'How about the next one,” says St Peter, 'How many seconds in a year?' 'Now that one's harder' says Forrest,” But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' Astounded, St Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?' Forrest says, “Shucks, Ther gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...' 'Hold it”, interrupts St Peter.”Isee where you are going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too. “Let’s go on with the next and final question,” Says St Peter,'Can you tell me God's first name?' Forrest says, 'Well sure, I know God's first name. Everybody probably knows it. It's Howard'. “Howard?” asks St Peter, 'What makes you think it's Howard?' Forrest answers, “it’s in the prayer.” “The prayer?” asks St Peter, 'Which prayer?' “The Lord's prayer,” responds Forrest, “Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name....”

There was three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say 'Just like those damn architects give us length when we wanted height!

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, 'Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?' Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, 'Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this,' and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, 'The pupil of the eye, in dim light.' 'Correct Miss Johnson.' said Mr. Perkins. 'And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.' At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Wichita.? One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too.? Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.? You wanna try it?' So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.? In fact he feels GREAT!? NO hangover! NO bad side effects.? Nothing! Then the phone rings.? It's Jim.? Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great.? How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too.? You don't have a hangover?' Bud says , 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing, we ought to do this more often.' 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No ' 'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver.'

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

Three moles decide to pop up out of their hole and have a nose around. The first mole says, “I smell honey”, the second mole pops up and says, “I smell sugar”, the third one can’t pop up because the other two are blocking the hole and moans “All I smell is molasses”.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby. DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer. DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -GERTIE- DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting? DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -FORTY YEARS HITCHED- DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining! DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -CAROL- DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY- DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work. DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -WONDERING- DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS- DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do. DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -JAKE- DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous. DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -ANNIE- DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -SAM IN CAL.- DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office. DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -TED- DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service. DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, 'I've heard a lot about you'? -RITA- DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard. DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. -ROSE- DEAR ROSE: So would I. DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -BESS- DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. 'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.' 'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.' 'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.' 'I should be in charge,' said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.' 'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.' 'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.' All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, The brain had a terrible headache, The stomach was bloated, The legs got wobbly, The eyes got watery, And the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story......... The asshole is usually in charge.

Good to hear that Caz is getting on ok, Best wishes to her from Rosexx

From Caz - who else? A nuclear scientist and a blonde are sitting on a bus together. The scientist leans over and asks if she would like to play a game. He says,” I’ll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £10 and vice versa. She's tired, so says no, but he keeps persisting. 'Look then, you pay me £10 if you don't know the answer, and I'll pay you £100 if I don't know the answer”. He thinks that since she's a blonde, he's sure to win the game. So she agrees. The scientist asks, “How big is the Great Wall Of China?' The blonde says nothing but simply reaches into her purse and hands over the £10. 'My turn now,” she says. “What flies to the moon on Monday and returns on Thursday?” The scientist looks puzzled, and whips out his laptop computer and searches his CD encyclopedias. He rings up all his scientific buddies and puts the word out to find an answer. Meanwhile, the blonde has fallen asleep. Some time later, when he has exhausted all his contacts and can not find the answer he nudges her awake and hands her £100.'Well, what is the answer?' he asks her in frustration. In silence, she reaches into her bag and hands him £10.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't mov

From Caz - the good lady is getting along fine. I'm sure she will not mind me telling you that she now has a fine head of red hair!!'!'!! Never Argue with a Woman!! One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'). 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

She's saucier than ever!!!!! Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of Sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.' The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. This is the kind of sex which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least: The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!!!!

IN THE INTEREST OF CONTINUING EDUCATION . . . Learn Chinese in 5 minutes ( You MUST read them aloud) English Chinese That's not right Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Fuk Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here Wai So Dim I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching This is a tow away zone No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Caz sent that to me today!! LOL!!