General Chat

From Caz

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our tea.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my tea.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the tea.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... 'HEBREWS'




The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.





God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
>
> From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
>
> So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.
> The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
> The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
" So the husband, after some adgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his f eet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
>
> The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!"....

Long time submitting new jokes - but here's a start for 2008. Thanks Caz.

A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)


'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'

When Beethoven died, he was buried in a local churchyard.
A couple of days later, a man was walking through the cemetery when he heard strange noises coming from where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, he ran and got the Priest. The Priest bent close to the grave and heard faint, unrecognisable music.
The Priest ran and got the Town Magistrate who listened for a moment, and then said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, BUT being played backwards!"
He listened a little longer, and, "There's the Eighth, and it's backwards, too."
He kept listening. "There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ... all backwards."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the Town Magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery...
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's Beethoven decomposing."

The Cremated Husband



Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Frank, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Frank, Remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in

The Ashes she said, "Frank, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, With the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,

"Frank, remember that blow job I promised you?"






"Here it comes"

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage.
The salary is £100,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshi**in' me! "




The social worker said, " Yeah, well . ... but you started it!!"

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"





The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

Subject: : My next life, a better way to go

BOY DO I AGREE WITH THIS I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

THE REPORT CARD

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," ! the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.


The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the! little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it. "

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really?
And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"


"Your horse phoned."

A 90yr old man went to see his GP and said: "Doctor, my wife, who is
18, is expecting a baby."

The doctor shook his head and said: "Let me tell you a story. A man
went hunting, but instead of a gun he picked up an umbrella by mistake.
While he was in the woods a bear charged at him, so he pointed his
umbrella at the bear, shot at it and killed it on the spot."

Now the old man shook his head. "That's impossible," he declared.
Somebody else must have killed the bear."

"Exactly my point," replied the doctor.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel roomand Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk, “she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

An elderly woman said to her friend “Last week I bought 2 budgerigars – a male and a female- but the trouble is I don’t know which is which”.
“Can’t you tell from the colour above their beaks?” asked the friend.

“No not when they’re young”.

“Well why don’t you wait til they’re ‘doing the business’ as it were then put a collar on the one on top, because that will be the male?!”

“What an excellent idea” said the woman.

So she waited for the birds to mate and put a collar on the male budgie.

A week later the vicar came round for tea. The budgie took one look at him and squawked “caught you too did they mate?”



Three women were discussing birth control.

The first said “We’re Catholic so we don’t practice birth control”.

The second said “I am too but we use the rhythm method”.

The third said “We use the saucer and bucket method”.

“What’s that?” the other 2 asked.

“Well, “she said “I’m 5 ft 11 inches tall and my husband is 5 ft 2. We make love standing up and when his eyes become as big as saucers I kick the bucket from under him…………………………………



A blond entered a store that sold curtains and told the salesman she wanted a pair of pink curtains. He showed her various patterns but the blond was having trouble choosing. Eventually she decided on the floral print.

“What size curtains do you need?” asked the salesman.

“15 inches” replied the blond.

“That sounds very small. What room are they for?”

“They’re not for a room,” said the blond “they’re for my computer monitor”.

The salesman was baffled “But miss, computers don’t need curtains”.

The blond said “Helloooo! I’ve got Windoooowws”

SENIOR DATING


Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

SMART ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR 2007 SMART ASS ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in 1st class. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER 5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat. She said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' SMART ASS ANSWER 4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The butcher replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART ASS ANSWER 3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER 2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: 'Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

DUSTY UNDERWEAR One morning, Jeff took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. 'What the???' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Joyce,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She shot back: 'It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.'