General Chat

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-
attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.
'You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that
all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-
eagle pose Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . .




(This is priceless.)













'OK, Monica your free to go now'

THIS IS POLITICALLY CORRECT......LOL

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is
that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit.


Absolutely so.

Female Compassion.

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms or legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ' Have you ever had a hug?
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'.
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been F*cked?'
The fellow looked up in amazement and said 'No!!'
The woman smiled and said ...



'You will be when the tide comes in.'

From Caz - by the way Caz is looking great!


RED MARBLES

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.

I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.

I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H' lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost.'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller..'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store..'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.

A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I nev er forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.

Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while there I learned that Mr. Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon arrival at the mortuary; we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men.

One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket.

Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ag o and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles.

With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.;

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.

Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho '.

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green traffic lights on your way to work.

The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good old sing-along song on the radio.

Your keys found right where you left them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget.

I just Did...

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived

Tickle Me Elmo Toys

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

From Caz at Heathrow

Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'


2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.


3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.


4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.


5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.


7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.


8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.


9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.


10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'


11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?


12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.


14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.


15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before



PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly..

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden..

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure

Common Sense - A Eulogy worth reading


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was. Since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm. Life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned, but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun-lotion or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority, and do nothing.
Common Sense turned in his grave when he realised that the Government was spending all the money on frameworks and processes and nothing practical was being done to help those people most in need.


--

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

One winter's morning a husband and wife in Aberdeen were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, 'We are
going to have 6 or 7 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get
through.'


So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 7 or 8 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through.' The good wife again went out and moved
her car.


The next week, again during breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We
are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park............'
then the electric power went off. The wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do
now. Which side of the street do I need to park so that the
snowploughs can get through?'


With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?

On their 50th
anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night
and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Army Sergeant Major,
and asked, Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up
from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's
right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He
nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and
said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later,
and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission
Accomplished"



The Iraqi footballer




The Glasgow Rangers foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young
Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to
come over to Scotland.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the
pre-season.
Two weeks later Rangers are down 2-0 to Celtic with only 10 minutes
left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid
is a sensation - scores 3 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for
Rangers! The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted,
and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day of Scottish Premier League football. 'Hello mum, guess
what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 2-0 down, but I
scored 3 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed,
raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all
while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to
Glasgow in the first place!'

The Robot Lie Detector.


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.



"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."



"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."



"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.



'The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.



The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.



With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."



The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.



Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.



"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"



The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Two eggs in a glass bowl on a table. On the sideboard there was a whisk.

"What's that?" said one egg to the other.

"Beats me" said the other egg.

Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo.


Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.

Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.

'Is it all right?' asked Victoria Beckham.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'

'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'

So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.

'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss and their daughter made love to me.'

'Just what the hell did you say to them?'

'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow.'

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'

Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. '
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need! '
Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

And that my friends is how Indians do business.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLONDES!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Airport Incident.

A man was arrested yesterday at London Airport in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a caculator.
He was believed to be a member of the Al Gebra movement carrying weapons of maths instruction.

From the "Civil Service Pensioner"
Country Wisdom

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you can run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stumps.

A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folk are doing, look at their barns and not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers , bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.

Two can live as cheaply as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner someone meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers and weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you walk with pigs expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff peolpe worry about never happen.

The other day I left the Golf Course at Chilworth making my way home after a game and I passed the village church. Going around the church were these pall-bearers carrying a coffin - I took a quick glance and carried on my way.
On arrival home I realized that I had left my golf clubs behind, so hot footed I motored back to collect them.
Upon passing the church again I noticed the same pall-bearers walking around the church. I stopped the car and got out, so intrigued that I had to enquire what the problem was.
“Are you alright?” I asked them -
“Not really” said one of them.
“What’s the problem?” I asked




Wait for it!













“Well” he said - "We’ve lost the plot!!!!!”

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
the man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out .

'I thought I told you to call your Mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.