General Chat

A London cabbie having picked up a couple of American tourist at a Heathrow hotel and deposited them at the record-running thriller, "The Mousetrap", was dismayed when he was paid the precise fare and no tip. "The policeman did it!" he shouted after them, getting his own back.

An Englishman visited a brothel in Paris and on leaving, was very surprised to be handed 10,000 francs. He decided to call again the next evening and the same thing happened. On the third evening he was disappointed not to be given the francs and asked why, and was told, "We were not televising tonight".

Two minor poets died and when they arrived at the Gates there was St. Peter to greet them. “Sorry!” said St. Peter, but I only have room for one mimor poet and so we’ll have a competition to decide which of you should come in and I will take the one who has the better poem ending with the word “Timbukto”.

The first poet stated:

"As I stood on desert sands
Gazing over the shimmering lands
The caravaner hoved into view
On hid way to Timbukto”

The second minor poet felt he could meet the challenge and said;

“Tim and I a hunting went
Spied 3 maidens in a tent
As they were 3 and we were 2
I bucked one and Timbukto”

Judge, to a member of the Jury Panel who was about to be sworn in but who stated he was deaf in one ear:
"I'm afraid you can't serve on the jury, You can only hear one side".

A young man is being shown around a computing firm and is introduced to the most up-to-date and sophisticated computer in the world. He is told that he may ask it any question , on any subject, and it is guaranteed to come up with the correct answer.
The young man asks the computer, “Where is my father?” and within a second the computer replies, “Playing golf at Sunningdale”.
“Incorrect”, says the young man, “My father is dead”.
“The man your mother married is dead”, says the computer, “Your father is playing golf at Sunningdale”.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini ,
Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors.This happened several times a week, and
sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'


'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....




'Circumcised'

(this is priceless!)




A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.



She went back to find out what was going on.



He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.



The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.



He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.



Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.



She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.



'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.



'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street
when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked me
for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet,
got out ten pounds and asked,
'If I give you this money,
will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago',
the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping
instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,'
the homeless woman s aid.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon
instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with
my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked.
'Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and
I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him
to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up wine, shopping,
and hair appointments.'

Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???


My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'



That's the last thing I remember.


Darn woman, she has absolutely
NO sense of humour!

Just about sums things up!!!!!!

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you how."

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship..' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.


Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde

Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,

'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was again taken by another dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!
Put this American in his place !'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

From Caz!



Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom- broom.

The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom-broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself -- this is going to hurt!!!!!!












'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

......................................
Oh for god sake...Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...Even these silly...little cute...And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds to me like she's...been...sweeping around!!!

Subject: TENJEWBERRYMUDS


To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2007.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'


Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'


RS: 'Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I don't think so.'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad! ?'

G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

G : 'You're very welcome.'


NOW YOU ARE BILINGUAL. GOOD JOB.
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

After getting involved in a car accident, I was being questioned about the fight that followed.

" Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car that I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you
just get SO stressed...and life...sometimes life seems...suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said,
.
.

'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'
.
.... and that's when the fight started "

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER



1. Sag, you're It.





2. Hide and go pee.





3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.





4. Kick the bucket





5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.





6. Musical recliners.





7. Simon says something incoherent.





8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy







SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:



1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.





2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.





3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.







OLD IS WHEN:



1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.





2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.





3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.





4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.





5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!







THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:





Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?





Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.





If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!





Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.







But Most Of All, Remember:



A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!









Ponderisms:





I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.





Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.





The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.





Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.





In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.





How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?





Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly t hings here and drink whatever comes out?'





Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'





If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?





Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?



Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?





Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

The Secret of inner peace!

Could this be the answer? I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the rest of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fukin gud I fel.

Subject: Transportation Trivia



AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON.

Railroad tracks.

This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph. Your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else

THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER



She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and

Said, ' Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, '

Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'