General Chat

A history lesson from Caz!

Subject: FW: History lesson



IN THE 1500'S



The next time washing your hands and complaining because the water temperature isn't just right, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:



These are interesting....



Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.



Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..



Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.



There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.





The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, 'Dirt poor'. The wealthy had slate floors
that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.



(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)



In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..



Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..



Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.



Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top,or the upper crust.



Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be 'saved by the bell' or was considered a 'dead ringer.'



Whoever said History was boring ? ? ?

I think I've got it!!!

BEWARE OF THIS ONE





I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.'

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'

Remember some time ago:-


A computer was a lead pencil complete with rubber at the end.
Pointed end was print and rubber end was delete.


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.


You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

From Caz!


Subject: Bubba



Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your fath er, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass '.

From Caz.



Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked, 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother cause I still have mine'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said. 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.

First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'

The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm okay, but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an allinone?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, I did that by accident.'

She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa.'

He replied, 'How did you know?'

She said, 'Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards.

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

So think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

'Nah.Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Going to Heaven...

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, when you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'.

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Stanley raised his hand and said,

'Sister, I think it's your feet'.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, LittleStanley, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Stanley said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming! '...and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.

A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget.......
Nice old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye -
Doesn't it?

Have a Great Day!!!

--- Subject: Fw: The Perfect Man





A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong.
And his clothing was always immaculate - shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever compare to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'











Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his

bloody widow.'

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, 'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a
Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside..........
Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up.'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling people
of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?
'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

Oh! It hurts to put this one in!!!


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,






'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Female Comebacks

Here are some lines women can use to counteract those tacky chat-up lines used by men.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.


'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.


The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

' So, Murphy, how was your day?'


Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'


'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.


'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''


'Tunderin' lard Oh Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.


'I put drops in her eyes

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Yes she did". ''Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'

A duck walks into a pub and� orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Make sure read this to the end it is a classic











.

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and get her."







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Find a better answer, faster with the new Yahoo!7 Search - Start Here.

Quite recently, sitting in my club, I overheard two Bishops at tea. One said to the other: "There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I do not approve of sex before marriage."
The other Bishop put down his tea-cup and said quite solemnly, "I totally agree with you, I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?"
The other Bishop looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I really can't remember - what was her name?"

The Portsmouth football team, not enjoying a particularly good start for the season, was taken by their manager Harry Redknapp on a relaxing visit to London Zoo in Regent’s Park. It was to take the players mind off a run of League defeats and the prospect of relegation if things didn’t improve. The manager and the players arrived at the crocodile pool, packed with deadly , evil, sharp-toothed creatures. After looking at them for a while it was decided to move on. All the players started to walk around the pook. The Manager, Mr Redknapp, took one look at the pool and calmly started to walk across it. James Bond style. He stepped on several of the treacherous beasts and eventually made the other side, dry and none the worse for his experience which had been watched by his amazed , horrified players.
“Blimey, Boss!, they chorused, “how on earth did you do that?”
At which point Harry opened his jacket to display a tee-shirt upon which was written in large letters: POMPEY FOR THE PREMIERSHIP TITLE!
Slowly looking at his players, he asked, “Now lads, in all honesty you wouldn’t even expect a crocodile to swallow that.”

Here are nine comments made by commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
>
> 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
>
> 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
>
> 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
>
> 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
>
> 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
>
> 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
>
> 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
>
> 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
>