General Chat

Romantic Wife
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!"
The husband, typically, non - romantic, replied:
"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Im pinching that one :-D ;-)

:-D :-D

Jack and Stu entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Stu steals 3 chocolate bars. After leaving the store, Stu says to Jack : "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me, you cant beat that". Jack replies : "You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing. " So they went to the counter and Jack says to the Shop keeper : "Do you want to see magic ?" Shop keeper replies :"Yes." Jack says : "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he eats it. He asks for the second, and he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes that one too. The shop keeper asks : "But where's the magic ?" Jack replies : "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them".

Subject: BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS



Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest
of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!

'Three Cornish Kick Rule'


An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!...

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks a 7-years-old.
The father was shocked that a 7 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said that he came from England , so I was just wondering where I came from".......

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims have died and over a million have been injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is to send troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?

Don't forget comic relief this year . Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend .

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Drunk man is stopped by the Police around 1 am & is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."

Officer : Really ?...Sounds interesting, who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"


Man replies "My Wife"!!

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked,
'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Had a VERY quick look tho the post but hope these not been posted before

Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent



A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why
the US is in so much trouble:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask
for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window. (On an airplane!)
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2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer
(Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape
Town is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.''

His response -- click.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida
is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said, ''No.''


She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called
and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
(Aghhhh)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.


I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put
a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's
very rude!''


After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.
(I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just
putting a destination tag on his luggage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire
about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii ?''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby
Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''


I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was
told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
them.''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter
plane.


She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about
the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh,
no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When
I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure
that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino
anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where
it is. Check your map!''


So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
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Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like
manure, you just gotta spread it around.


>

Punographics

When chemists die they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. it was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, But I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Expensive Hotel

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £500.

She exploded and demanded to know why the bill was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £500 for just an overnight stay without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that "£500 is the standard rate", so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced : "The hotel has an Olympic-size swimming pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use".

"But, I didn't use them" she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the manager.

He went on to say she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow and Aberdeen performing here", the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows", the woman said.

"Well we have them, and you could have", replied the Manager.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, She replied "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque , and gave it to the manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam, this cheque is only made out for £100."

"That's correct. I charged you £400 for sleeping with me", she replied.

"But I didn't sleep with you !" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have".

Expensive Hotel

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £500.

She exploded and demanded to know why the bill was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £500 for just an overnight stay without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that "£500 is the standard rate", so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced : "The hotel has an Olympic-size swimming pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use".

"But, I didn't use them" she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the manager.

He went on to say she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow and Aberdeen performing here", the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows", the woman said.

"Well we have them, and you could have", replied the Manager.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, She replied "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque , and gave it to the manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam, this cheque is only made out for £100."

"That's correct. I charged you £400 for sleeping with me", she replied.

"But I didn't sleep with you !" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have".

Something lost in Translation:

i was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from
Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create
opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some
deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is
more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.