General Chat

Oops! A few repeats for the readers who pay attention.

Have you ever been rudely awakend by your boss when falling asleep at your computer station. Well here are the top ten reaction excuses to be uttered immediately you are disturbed - please practice! 10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. 9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. 8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time. 7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance. 5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga? 4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem! 3. The coffee machine is broken. 2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot. 1. Amen.

'The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do.' 'If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks.' 'If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.' 'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.' 'Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.' 'Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.' 'My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.'

'Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.' 'An open marriage is natures way of telling you that you need a divorce.' 'The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.' 'We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.' 'Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.' 'Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.' “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.'

After a deliberate delay here is a nice little joke. A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again.' she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you twit!' The moral of the story: 'Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.'

Another nice little joke! PEANUTS ======= A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, 'That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!' Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, 'Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!' He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, 'That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!' He immediately calls the waiter over and says, 'Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look! Am I GOING CRAZY?? 'Oh', the waiter nonchalantly replies, 'those are just the peanuts'. 'The PEANUTS?!?' the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him . 'Yes,' replies the waiter, 'they're complimentary!!

Graffiti and a joke. God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved. My God is alive - sorry about yours. Does God believe in people? God isn't dead - he just couldn't find a parking space. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' He sighed......... ....... 'Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.......'

A few graffitis. Looby Loo is a lousy lay ----------Andy Pandy Margaret Thatcher for P.M. ------and what about A.M. duckie! Pinocchio is a swinger. GOLDA MEIR IS A MASOCHIST ---------------but she speaks English! Wellingtons mistresses were all OLD BOOTS! What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making lorry driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The lorry driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.' 'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a taxi to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The taxi driver just drives away.' 'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this pub, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

A nice one from Caz. By the way Caz has contributed quite a few - I am now going to give her credits!!!! What my parents taught me. 1. My parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My parents taught me RELIGION - “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL - 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. My parents taught me LOGIC - ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My parents taught me MORE LOGIC - 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My parents taught me FORESIGHT - “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My parents taught me IRONY - “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST - “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA - “You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11. My parents taught me about WEATHER - “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12 My parents taught me about HYPOCRISY - 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. My parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE - “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. My parents taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION - 'Stop acting like your father!' 15. My parents taught me about ENVY - “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 16. My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION - “Just wait until we get home.' 17. My parents taught me about RECEIVING - 'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. My parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.' 19. My parents taught me ESP - “Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 20. My parents taught me HUMOUR - 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 21. My parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT - 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 22. My parents taught me GENETICS - 'You're just like your father.' 23. My parents taught me about my ROOTS - 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 24. My parents taught me WISDOM - “When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 25. My parents taught me about JUSTICE - 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

A long story today. Story from Days of Old Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur''s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch''s proposition to have an answer by year''s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur''s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur''s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur''s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur''s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or,would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is... If you don''t let a woman have her own way... things are going to get ugly. :

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. 'Oh' said the counselor, 'I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.'

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? 'I am ' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do ' is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?' If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

A rendering from Caz! (It has to be, after all 'things only a women understands' is not in my agenda and 'male bashing' is not my scene! Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN Male Bashing Q. What did God say after creating Adam? A. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask for directions. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married.

From Caz. A man took his Rotweiler to the vet and said to him, 'My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?' 'Well,' said the vet 'let's have a look at him' The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. 'Well,' says the vet 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'Just because he's cross-eyed?' say's the man. 'No, because he's heavy,' says the vet.

From Caz, she's on top of the tree. Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

From Caz Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

This is definitely a lady's contribution. And you know who. Men are like:- ..Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. .Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. .Government bonds. They take so long to mature. .Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it. .Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright. .Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. .High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair. .Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs. .Handguns. Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it. .Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. .Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. .Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Another Caz contribution - she's a bit of a sage really. A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard i about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Phew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Einstein rules relativity OK Queen Elizabeth Rules UK Dyslexia rules KO The Law of the Excluded middle either rules or does not rule OK Amnesia rules ......er......um Sausage roles OK? Roget's Thesaurusb rules- Ok, All right, Very well, You bet, Certainly.