General Chat

Have you ever thought that 'Alexander the Great' and 'Winnie the Pooh' have the same middle name. 'I'm teaching my cat a second language.' 'Really! How is she getting on?' 'Fine. She can already say 'Woof'.' 'I don't count sheep to help me sleep any more. I've updated and use the baa code.' At a second hand shop a wasp expert bought an old record labelled as having every known wasp buzz. The next day the expert brought the record back. He complained to the assistant that he had played the record but hadn't been able to recognise any of the sounds. The assistant asked, 'Are you sure you didn't play the bee side?' One One was a race horse, Two Two was one too. One One won one race one day; Two Two won one too.

You know to make a gel feel special, lol Caz

Ten Painful Puns 1. Two vultures board and airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger.” 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never mounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold so they lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once again, that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw” 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 7. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up the shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. (Don’t get that one!) 9. Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did! BOOM! BOOM!

Graffiti day. Beethoven scares little kids! The sixties would have been a total loss but for the Beatles. Mozart refreshes best! Bach's Organ Works. So does mine! A woman is like a piano - if she's not upright she's grand!!! Sir Thomas Beecham doesn't know his brass from his oboe! (I think my pal's mark today will be three out of six!)

'My friend is in hospital - he ate a daffodil bulb instead of an onion. Still, he'll be out in the spring.' A man walked into the bar with a rabbit bsticking out of his behind. 'What's your name?' asked Sandra. 'Warren.' came the reply. 'Hey, kidnappers have captured one of our greenkeepers. They have threatened that, unless we pay the ransom, they will release him' 'We're collecting money to send (your local) football team to Blackpool.' 'Why are you doing that?' 'It's the only way we can give them the experience of riding in an open top bus.' A golfer came in off the golf course with an injured leg. 'Can you do something with this? he asked. 'I don't know who it belongs to.'

'Beethoven enjoyed that last joke.' 'How do you know?' 'When I told it to him he said, 'Ha, ha,ha,haa'.' 'I think there's a bomb in a sandwich outside the clubhouse.' 'Is it ticking?' 'No it's cheese and onion.' The hunchback came home from work to see his wife taking the wok from the kitchen cupboard. 'Great,' he said. 'Are we having a stir fry?' 'No'. she replied. 'I'm just going to iron your best shirt.' 'I'll have an oxo cube,' ordered the hyena. 'What do you want an oxo cube for?' 'I want to make a laughing stock of myself.' 'Can I have a steak and kiddly pie please?' 'Do you mean steak and kidney pie?' 'That's what I said diddle I?' Two strawberries were cooking in a pot, and it got hotter and more uncomfortable every moment. Said one to the other: 'You know, if us two hadn't been found in the same bed, we wouldn't be in this jam now.'

Something a little different - I hope you enjoy it. Through a child’s eyes! Dear God Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny. Dear God, You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean. Dear God. I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M Dear God Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry Dear God Did you mean the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident. Norma Dear God I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God Charles Dear God In bible times did they really talk that fancy. Jennifer Dear God I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying. Elliott Dear God We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely Donna Dear God If you let the dinasor not extinct we would not have a country. I think you did the right thing. Jonathan. Dear God I want to be just like my Dad when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam Dear God I am American. What are you? Robert Dear God Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the one’s you got now? James Dear God I keep waiting for Spring but it never come yet. Don’t forget. Mark Dear God I went to this wedding and they kissed right in Church. Is that O.K.? Neil Dear God If we come back as something please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise Dear God If you give me genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael Dear God I bet it is hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can’t do it. George Dear God Are you really invisible or is that just a trick. Lucy Dear God Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter Dear God Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you me new shoes. Micky D

'You seem to do less as you get older. I used to procrastinate - now I don't seem to get around to it.' The inflatable pupil who misbehaved was called to see the inflatable headteacher at the inflatable school. The inflatable head said 'You have not only let me down, you have let yourself down and, indeed, you have let the whole school down.' As the very old senior lay dying he ordered his children to put gold bars in a brief case and make sure that it was buried with him. When the man reached heaven he was welcomed warmly by St. Peter. St. Peter asked, 'Just one question.....why have you brought a briefcase full of common house bricks?'

Scraping the barrel now - will get new material soon though! A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.' A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,and at a point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was keying in.+PENIS+ His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: 'PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH'

If you have been reading all these jokes then it is well worth doing this thread. I thank you most sincerely and I really hope that you 'GET WELL SOON!' Most of the jokes have been so bad that they are laughable! At least they are green - they've all been recycled. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A women who won't do what she's told. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time. Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!' 2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested. 3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four policemen and a dog. 4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws. 5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 6. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

New Years Resolution. Didn't make one until yesterday - I went to the bottle bank at Sainsbury's very early in the morning because I was embarrassed. Xmas and New Year empty bottles - clear - green brown - bottle after bottle - I was there for ages . to and from from the boot - what the hell do you do with blue? So there and then I made a new years resolution - No! not to drink less but to go to the bottle bank more often. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.' Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? A: He wouldn't ask for directions Why are married women heavier than single women? single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to 'instruction manuals' Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A: A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.' 'Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.' 'A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.' 'When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.' 'I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment.' 'Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.'

'Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.' 'I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' 'I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.' 'I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.' 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.' 'Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.'

A little graffiti this evening. Old hippies never die------- ----they just trip away. Blow your mind... Smoke gunpowder. God is alive and living in a sugar cube. Come alive, you're in the banana generation. Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs. Be placid with acid. Melts in your mind ... not in your hand. Acid indegestion can be fun. Grass is natures way of saying 'High!'

'The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.' 'The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.' 'When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.' 'What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.' 'In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.' 'My fiancee and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no expense spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement.'

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Chuckle facts. In the 1950s people laughed, on average, 18 times a day - four times more than we do today. Laughter engages every major system in the body. A joyful belly-laugh can exercise every muscle, nerve and organ in the torso. If you were able to sustain a belly-laugh for one full hour, you could laugh off up to 500 calories. The health benefits of laughter were first investigated on the 1960s after American Norman Cousins wrote a book about how he cured himself of the crippling condition ankylosing spondylitis through laughter and vitamin C. He whiled away his hours in hospital watching The Marx brothers and Candid Camera and noticed that following a heavy bout of laughter he could have two pain-free hours of sleep. In time, he recovered from the potentially fatal disease. Hewlett-Packard in Denmark noticed a 40 per cent increase in sales after sending employees on a laughter programme. In the movie Patch Adams, Robin Williams played a doctor who treated his patients by making them laugh. The movie was based on a true story. (and a good movie it was too!) Laughing can help protect against colds and viruses by increasing levels of antibodies in the nose and respiratory passages. It can also help fight cancer by increasing the natural killer cells and T-cells that destroy some cancer cells. It’s the flip-side to stress, lowering the stress hormone cortisol while increasing endorphins. High levels of cortisal suppress the immune system and cause blood pressure to rise. People who are depressed, angry or nervous are three times more likely to get ill than those who are energetic, relaxed and happy. American professor William Fry says laughing 100-200 times a day is the cardiovascular equivalent of rowing for 10 minutes. Laughing reduces allergic responses, including hay fever symptoms, and can be a useful aid to stopping smoking. Laughter releases and loosens tense muscles caused by stress. When we’re stressed we tense and hunch our shoulders to protect our most vulnerable area, our jugular. Laughter releases this tension and counteracts the anxiety. Only one in every five times we laugh is humorous - the rest of the time we’re expressing other emotions such as anger, anxiety, sadness and nervousness. Forget sit-ups: laughing will even help tone your tummy by exercising your abdominal muscles, hence the phrase “I laughed till my sides hurt.” The adage “Laugh and the world laughs with you” has recently been proven to be accurate. The Journal of Neuroscience found laughter uncontrollably triggers the impulse to laugh back.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: Penicillin 'The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.' 'The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.' 'When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.' 'What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.' 'In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.' 'My fiancee and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no expense spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement.' I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.' “A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.' 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.'