General Chat

'I have saved some money. I told my wife we couldn't get Sky TV;
I said it's too cloudy'.

'Help - I've locked my keys in my car'. 'I will soon sort that out for you - luckily I'm wearing my car key shorts.'

Barman to customer who had just eaten a scruffy woman at the bar, 'We don't serve people on drugs.' -'I'm not on drugs.'
'You are. That was a bar bitch you ate!'.

Two budgies on a perch; one said to the other : 'I can smell fish'.

Happy New Year Pilgrim & Brian pmsl Caz

'You haven't been for a while.' 'No, my last round of golf was so terrible that I tried to commit suicide. I swallowed furniture polish as I thought it would give me a nice finish. Anyway I recovered and I've pledged not to do it again.' 'I'm sorry to hear of your sad bereavement but why do you blame yourself for your wife's death.' 'I shot her!' Pompey football supporter: 'I was charged with assault but I got off because I had been severely provoked.' 'How?' ' The yobs tried to stuff a season ticket into my pocket.' 'I see you've come in with your pet cod.' 'Yes, have you got any fishcakes?' 'We have.' 'Great I'll have one - it's his birthday.'

'My husband has stood by me for many years, He's had to - we only have one chair.' 'You can't rely on men. My husband promised he would die for me but he hasn't.' Husband: 'If you won a million pounds would you still love me?' Wife: 'Yes, and I'd miss you.' 'Our lady captain has piglets. We're looking for the swine that did it.'

'I wish I could get my husband to play golf but every time I ask him he refuses.' 'Why don't you try reverse psychology? Say to him: 'You don't want to come to golf do you?' 'No, that wouldn't work.' 'Don't try then.' 'Yes, I think I will.' When I retired they gave me a comb as a parting present.' 'I've had all my teeth out; the pain was terrible. I tell you - never again!' Senior golfer to his companion; 'At my age I never feel that it is safe to buy green bananas'.

Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, slaps three nails on the counter and asks...........'any chance you can put me up for the night'

'My wife asked me to come upstairs and make love. I said 'I can't do both.' I annoyed my wife this morning - I woke up.' 'My wife really loves me; when I was ill she wrote for an ambulance.' 'I saw a frog in my garden this morning. It said to me 'If you give me a kiss I will turn into a beautiful princess and will pander to your every whim.' 'What did you do?' 'I put it in my pocket. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'.'

'Sherlock, why have you got a yellow front door?' 'Lemon entry my dear Watson.' Dyslexic skier: 'On the last run did I come down the slope zig zag or zag zig?' 'Don't ask me, I'm a tobacconist.' '999 help! A baby is just about to be born'. 'Keep calm - is this her first child?' 'No, this is her husband'. General Custer: 'I can't understand it ; they were singing and dancing all night'.

Back to graffiti - We are the people our parents warned us about! The world is going through a great big menapause! Earthquake predictors are fault finders. Florists are just petal pushers. I am anonymous - help me! Nature never gives up. It did on me!! Life is a hereditary disease. (So is genaology! - that's good - I thought of that!)

My neice was put on probation for shoplifting. I think she'll be O.K. - she's taking something for it! My Uncle is ever so superstitious - he has a rabits foot. He gets around O.K. though. Two thieves were caught after breaking into Harrod's and stealing a very, very expensive 2007 calender. The judge gave them six months each!

Back to graffiti I think I exist; therefore I exist, I think. I think I think: therefore I think. For those who think life is a joke - just think of the punchline!! It's me and you against the world - when do we attack? All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed. No, just poorly directed! NO, JUST POORLY CAST!! Is there any intelligent life on earth? Yes, but I am only visiting. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do!!

These have been on before - but so long ago they may be new to a lot of people. Anyway they will still make you chuckle! I met Stella in a revolving door, We've been going around together ever since. 'Have you got your photos yet Cinderella?' 'No, I sent them away two weeks ago . I hope that one day my prints will come.' 'That gogeous lady across the road phoned me. She said 'Why don't you come over, there's no one in.' 'How did you get on?' 'Not very well. I went over but there was no one in.' 'I went to a sea food disco last night'. 'was it good?' 'It was great! I nearly pulled a muscle'. 'Where's your friend?' 'She's dead. She fell into her bowl of muesli and got dragged under by a strong currant'.

'That pebble is very, very timid. I've told him that he will have to be a little boulder'. My hairdresser asked me if I wanted it cut right around at the back. I said, 'No thanks. I'm quite comfortable sitting here'. 'My Yankee friend has mental problems. He used to think he was a city. He's gone from bad to worse and now he's worked himself into a state.' 'That guitar in the corner has had a nervous breakdown. No one is surprised; it was very highly strung'. 'My clairvoyant can't see me due to unforseen circumstances'. 'Lynn, may I have some ox tail please?' 'O.K. Once there was an ox........'.

lol Caz

'What's that girl doing standing in the middle of the tennis court?' 'Oh, that's Annette' An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scot, a Rabbi and a Vicar strolled into the bar. 'Is this some kind of joke ?' Sandra asked. 'Have you got digital TV?' 'Oh! yes. I always switch it on with my finger'. 'Hey, Brutus, I don't feel well. I've got a stabbing pain in my stomach'. 'Well how many green apples did you eat Caeser?' 'Ate two Brutus'. 'You can't come in here', Sharon told Shakespeare. 'You're bard'. Her majesty the queen has knighted the inventor of the zip fastener. He's now known as Lord of the Flies.

'Saddam Huessein used to keep his dvds in a rack'. 'There's a madman running loose around the nudist colony with a chainsaw. A policeman has had a tip off.' 'I finished this jigsaw puzzle in four weeks. That's really fast because on the box it says three to five years'. 'Can you remember where you put your favourite hat?' 'Not off the top of my head.' 'The bearded lady tripped over her beard and broke her neck. The circus owner said it was a freak accident'. 'My friend has given up being a contorionist - she couldn't make ends meet'.

'My wife wants our house painted gold. I suppose it's her guilt complex'. They've fired the human cannon ball because he was shot away. Now they're looking for someone of the same calibre. It's a pity that dwarf has a low elf esteem. If you want to destroy a circus go for the jugular. 'Hey cannibal what happened to you on holiday? You've only got one leg.' 'Terrible nuisance that holiday. I didn't know it was self catering.' 'Have you found your wife in the jungle yet?' 'No, and I'm a bit worried about the cannibal.' 'Why's that? 'He told me that he had met my wife and she made a nice stew.'

'Hey, why have you come in with a cabbage on a lead.' 'Oh dear, I thought it was my collie.' 'The potato asked for a toasted tea cake. 'Sorry, Lynn said. We don't serve food in here,' 'The onion cut itself.' 'What did it do?' 'It cried.' 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in our bar', said Jerry to the two golfers. 'Fair enough,' said one golfer, 'We'll swap.' 'Yes she's a baker's daughter - very well bread.' 'How much are your pork pies?' 'They're £1 for two.' 'How much for one?' 'One cost's 75p.' 'Oh good. I'll have the other one.'

'Where can I weigh this pie?' 'Above a rainbow.' 'Why above a rainbow?' 'Somewhere over a rainbow weigh a pie.' 'That pig over there has lost his voice. He's really disgrunted.' 'Mum ,' asked the lion cub. 'If we're not supposed to eat humans , why are they made of meat.' 'Dad, why are us tigers always marked with stripes?' 'That's so we aren't spotted.' 'This cow was made pregnant by artificial insemination.' 'I don't believe it.' 'It's true - straight up, no bull.' I am carrying on this thread as long as I possibly can - for Caz. Thank you Caz!

A few graffitis now. BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL WHITE AIN'T SO BAD BLACK IS STILL BEAUTIFUL. NOSTAGIA ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE! True - it's a thing of the past. The happiest day is that day in the past that you always run back to when the present proves too unbearable. This country is being screwed by apathy! What's apathy? I don't know and I don't care. LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR - BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT!