General Chat

'Yes, god created 24 hours. Then he called it a day. 'I bought my wife a fur coat for Christmas. I could only afford hampster skin. Anyway I cut off the label and the coat looked quite good. To celebrate the special day, I took her to Blackpool. It was a waste of time. She spent all the time on the big wheel. That couple have separated. They bought a water bed but drifted apart. My wife walks five miles a day. The problem is I don't know where she lives. The difference between in-laws and outlaws is that outlaws are wanted. Be kind - do not mock Tudor houses or turtle soup.

'Good evening Postman Pat'. 'Hi but I'm retired now and you shouldn't call me Postman Pat.' 'Oh , what should I call you?' 'Pat'. I tried being a doorstep salesman but everyone already had a doorstep. 'I went swimming with dolphions last week. It was no good. I couldn't get them through the turnstiles.' 'I used to drink my scotch neat. Now I just slouch about in any old clothes.'

'I'm not an alcoholic but I have got a problem. I drink brake fluid and I can't stop'. 'You've just put your sleeve in my drink,' a girl said to the one armed barman. 'Well, there's no arm in that is there?' he replied. 'I realised I was Dyslexic when I went to a toga party and I was the only person dressed as a goat.' 'Yes, that dyslexic became a devil worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.' (think about it)

A few GRAFFITI renderings. Ever since Man could write he's written on walls. There is no form of literature so old or so universal as graffiti. it's been around since the days of the cave-painters and looks like being with us for the rest of time. Festus hioe fuituit cum Sodalibus Meaning 'this is the spot where Festus made it with Sodalibus'' it's one of the very much more innocent samples of Pompeiian wall gossip. And if you can't get to Pompeii this year, when you're next in London make your way to Chancery Lane and seek out the window ledge on which was etched in the year 1719; 'Here did I lay my Celia down; I got the pox and she got half a crown.' So here are a few more:- I am a mistake - legalise abortion. Save water - bath with a friend. Support Free Enterprise - legalise prostitution. Stop air pollution - quit breathing. Stamp out distemper but don't step in it. More tomorrow.

Support the rich! Drive defensively - buy a tank! Lower the age of puberty Wake up to insomnia. Help stamp out philately! Legalise vandelism! Support wild life - vote for an orgy! Repeal inhibition. Stamp out reality. Legalise necrophilia! Depressive Neurosis is nothing to laugh about. Repeal the law of Gravity. Save our slums! Help a Nun kick the habit!

If at first you don't succeed - CHEAT! Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'till noon! Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends! Hire the morally handicapped! Visit your mother today, maybe she hasn't had any problems lately. Up with miniskirts! Down with hot pants! Start the day with a smile - and get it over with! To save face - keep the lower half shut!

Pilgrim you brighten my day pmsl take care Caz xx

Graffiti can be found in the unlikeliest of places - in the Reading Room of the British Museum; 'It's a funny old world, Signed, Karl Marx'; on an Egyptian pyramid: 'I've got pharoahs at the bottom of my garden too'; at the American Embassy in London: 'Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been Spanish'; inside the Vatican: 'Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic' - but the likeliest place to find it is in a lavatory, and in public lavatories at that. It's not so much fun doing it on your bathroom wall at home.

Cure virginity!

Birth control pills are habit forming.

'Kissinger should be bloody well hung'
He is, my dear, he is - Mrs Kissinger.

No arms for the Venus de Milo!

'Legalise Mental Telepathy'.
I knew you were going to say that!

Autopsy is a dying practice. Take a cannibal to lunch! THINK! - maybe the Joneses are trying to keep up with you!! Sibling rivalry is for kids! Help get rid of the lunatic fringe - support your local barber! Identify your friends by their enemies. Pray for obscene mail! Fight poverty the American way - get a JOB!! ANARCHISTS UNITE! Sock it to me with apathy.

Don't shoot - I don't want to be President!

I was born this way - whats your excuse?

Conserve energy - make love slowly

Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit!

Enjoy a good laugh - go to work on a feather!

You're never alone with schizophrenia.

Support your local Police - STEAL!

Only dirty people need to wash!

Clean earth smells funny.

Children - Beat your mother while she is young!

Happy New Year to all my readers. 'Humpty Dumpty, could you lend me some cash?' 'Can't. I'm broke.' 'My friend the tighrope walker has been made redundant; he lives on a shoestring.' 'The acrobats got married this morning. They were head over heels in love.' 'Can I have a room for the night?' 'Have you a reservation?' 'No - I'm not even a Red Indian.' 'I've been to a wedding; two local TV aerials got married.' 'Did it go well?' 'Great - fantastic reception!' 'Barman you seem to have a piece of lettuce sticking out of your nose.' 'It's OK. It's just the tip of the iceberg.' 'Barman, there's a terrible smell in here.' 'Yes, we've got skunks in the cellar.' 'How many are there?' 'Quite a phew!'

'I got Long John Silver out in the cricket match; I bowled at his leg stump.' 'Hey tramp, I notice you've only got one shoe. Have you lost one?' 'No, actually I've found one.' 'A lorry loaded with glue has overturned on the M25. Police are advising motorists to stick to their own lane.' 'A manure lorry has overturned on the same motorway. Police are appealing for witnesses not to come forward.' 'The toilet at the local Police Station has been stolen; they've nothing to go on.' 'I hear that the man who stole the batteries will be charged in the morning.'

'You shouldn't eat oranges unless you've been introjuiced.' Zero was having a drink when 8 came in. 'I like your belt,' said zero. A very round knight arrived at the bar. 'I'm Circumference,' he announced. 'I'm dyslexic and I've walked straight into the bra. Not surprising - I've been awake all night wondering if there is a dog.' 'Dyslexics are no use to this company; you're fried!' Dyslexic bee on a bar: 'Zzub, zzub, zzub, zzub.'

'There are three kinds of golfer - those who can count and those who can't.' New litter collector. 'Do I get any training?.' 'No - you just pick it up as you go along.' 'Pharaoh - do you like pyramids?' 'I do up to a point.' 'I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones.' 'It's not unusual.........' 'My new mattress is very comfortable; I bought it in France. The only trouble is it keeps going 'dor doing''. While I was in France I did notice that the sales of escargot were very sluggish.'

'Hello seal. What would you like?' I think I'll have a whiskey - but not Canadian Club if you don't mind.

Is there a B&Q in Southampton?' No but there's an S and an N.'

'My daughter swallowed a £1 coin and she's had to go to hospital. I've just phoned but they said that there's no change.'

'How did you afford all those budgies?' 'I got them on higher perches.'

Paper bag: 'I'm worried that my mum might have aids - she was a carrier.'

He's got a rubber trumpet because he plays in an elastic band.

'I've never seen purple customers before.' 'We were shipwrecked and got marooned.'

'That girl over there is very skinny.' 'That's enorexia nervosa.' 'I'm amazed - do you know everybody?' 'Where are you from?' 'Scotland.' 'Which part?' 'All of me.' Pair of jump leads: 'Four half pints of bitter please.' Barman: 'I'm not serving you with alcohol. If I do you'll start something.' An idea came in : 'Could I have a brandy please?' 'No - you're out of your mind.' Printing fonts: 'We'd like some beers.' 'No - we don't serve your type here.' 'Why have you got jelly in one ear and sponge in the other?' Sorry, you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

The police recently arrested a man for fraud after he claimed that the 'secret formula' tablets he was selling gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed that it was the fifth time he had been prosecuted for the same offence. He had previously been prosecuted in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

'The earwig football team has the best support - 'ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!' 'I phoned Pompey Football Ground and asked what was the kick-off time for the match. They said: 'When can you get here?' Hey, you've got a nasty stain on the back of your jacket.' 'I know. I had friends around for dinner last night and I laid on a curry.' 'The butcher will be bit late tonight. He sat on a bacon slicer and he's got a little behind with his orders.' The butcher will have to retire soon, He can't get the meat off the top hooks. He says the steaks are too high.' I see you've got a long piece of tarmac with you.' 'Yes and I'd like a pint for myself and one for the road.'

A piece of black tarmac came into the bar. It ordered a pint and kept telling everyone that he was really, really hard. Then a piece of red tarmac in and the black tarmac hid under a table until the red tarmac left. 'I thought you were hard.' the barmaid teased, 'but when the red tarmac appeared you went grey and hid.' 'Well,' came the reply, 'you've got to have some sense - he's a cycle path!'

Two ducks waddled into the bar. The firsr duck said, 'Quack'. The second duck said , 'Ammazing - I was going to say that.' 'I got some advice about weather forcastong the other day. You go out and feel your dog - if he's dry it's not raining; if he's wet it is raining; if he's very wet it's pouring down; if his fur is on end it's windy. if he's covered in frost it's frosty and if he's covered in snow it's snowing. Of course for this to work you must leave your dog outside.' 'Whoever gave you that advice?' 'My cat.' 'My son got has at last got a part in a play.' 'Great - I bet you're excited.' 'Well yes but he's playing the role of a married man. I would have preferred him to have a speaking part.'