General Chat

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Blessed are they that laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. My job is secure. No one else wants it. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles. I'd rather be driving a golf ball.

I have a responsible job. Whever anything goes wrong the boss says I'm responsible.

My wife tells me that unlike men, women can multi-task. How come then I end up finnishing all the jobs she has started and never completed?. Sorry dear , still love you

How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don't feed it Why did the reindeer wear black boots? Because his brown ones were all muddy How long should a reindeer's legs be? Just long enough to reach the ground Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach? Because he didn't want to be recognised Which reindeer have the shortest legs? The smallest ones Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer What’s the difference between a biscuit and a reindeer? You can't dunk a reindeer in your tea If a reindeer lost his tail, where would it go for a new one? A retail shop Why don't reindeer like penguins? They can't get the wrappers off Why do reindeer scratch themselves? Because they're the only ones who know where they itch What did the dog say to the reindeer? Woof, woof What’s the difference between a reindeer and a grape? They're both purple, except for the reindeer What's an ig? An eskimo's home without a loo What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark? Frost bite What's white, furry and smells of mint? A polo bear What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush? One crushes boats and the other brushes coats What did the snowman order at McDonalds? Icerbergers with chilli sauce What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? Santa Paws Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve? Because he's Sooty ! Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claus-trophobic. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes. Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental. Father to three-year old: 'No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna. Teacher: Why did you bring that Christmas plant to school? Student: Don't worry. It's just for the holly-days.

London Polioce have apprehended and put into custody a donkey. They can't pin anything on him. Whither you look, thither shall you fly Seeing once for yourself is better than hearing a hundred bits if news. At the moment of meeting the parting begins. If you love your child send him on his travels.

If I throw a stick will you leave. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Surburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Q. What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? A. She drops him off at the golf course.

It's bad luck to be superstitous. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me........they were cramming for their finals. Clones are people two. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. How is it possible to have a civil war?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Atheism is a nonprophet organization. If love is blind, why is lingerie so important. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change. Proof read carefully to see if you any words out.

If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. My husband and I divorced over religious differences, He thought he was God and I didn't. They call it PMT because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. I intend to live forever- so far so good.

Skeleton: 'Could I have a pint of beer and a mop please?' 'What's your name?' 'Six and seven eighths.' 'That's an odd name. Why did your parents choose it?' 'They didn't choose it; they drew it out of a hat.' 'I've just come back from Switzerland. ' Lucky devil, I bet the scenery was wonderful.' 'Don't know: I didn't see any. The mountains got in the way.' 'I'm worried. My daughter goes out with a mushroom. ' Why does she do that? 'She says he's a fun guy to be with.'

'I'm just back from Buckimgham Palace - my scarecrow got an O.B.E.' 'What did he get it for?' 'They said he was outstanding in his field.' 'I've planted four trees in my back garden.' 'Do they look nice?' 'Yes but my dog hasn't got a leg to stand on.' 'Would you like a drink Van Gogh?' 'No thanks I've got one 'ere.' 'Could you lend me the price of a pint please dwarf?' 'Sorry, I can't; I'm a bit short myself.' 'Dwarf, why don't you go horse racing? You might feel a little better.'

What did Adam say on 24 December? He said 'It's Christmas Eve.'

Hello Pilgrim haven't looked in for a few days. You've cheered me up to say the least pmsl Have a lovely Christmas Caz

'How do you prepare your turkey for Chriatmas?' 'I just tell it that it's going to die.' 'What a coincidence! Fancy, Jesus was born on Christmas Day.' 'Great news from Bethlehem; mother and child are in a stable condition.' I walked past a snowman yesterday. He asked, 'Can you smell carrots?' 'My neice wants a camouflage jacket foir Xmas but I can't find one.'

IT IS TODAY - a serious bit! Today: Though the precise origin of the date is unclear, Christmas, commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, is celebrated on this day, having been first identified as the date of Jesus' birth by Sextus Julius Africanus in 221.

This is the net result of £15.00 worth of Xmas Crackers from M&S What's white, furry and smells of mint? A polo bear. Anogram to solve - COWCARERS Knock Knock Who's there? Aeron Aeron who? Aeron't you glad it's Christmas. Anogram to solve - BINGOTINA What do you get if you cross a pair of shoes with a banana? Slippers An anogram to solve - FOGONWILL What do you get if you cross a sheep and Ebenezer Scrooge? Baaa humbug. An anogram to solve - OILINGNUT Where do wasps go on holiday? Stingapore. An anogram to solve - FREEHERDS What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Biscuit? You can't dunk Santa Clause in your tea. (I give up!) Anogram to solve - THESNICKS No crackers next year - money in the charity box. Have a nice evening.