General Chat

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. It is easier to get forgivness than permission. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. All computers wait at the same speed. Access denied -- nah nani na nah nah!

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.' 'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' . So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek Counseling. If you're too open minded your brains will fall out. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

One tequila, two terquila, three tequila, floor! (this one is for our Cornish colleagues, a race close to my heart.) Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

If you do not climb mountains you will not see afar. 'A centipede was happy quite Until a toad in fun said 'Pray which leg goes after which?. This put his mind in such a fix He fell distracted in the ditch.

To fly you must not only have wings, but flap them.

Knock Knock Who's there? Mary Mary who? Mary Christmas Knock Knock Who's there? Wenceslas Wenceslas who? Wenceslas train home? Knock Knock Who's there? Snow Snow who? Snow business like show business Knock Knock Who's there? Wayne Wayne who? Wayne in a manger Knock Knock Who's there? Oakham Oakham who? Oakham all ye faithful

Knock Knock Who's there? Holly Holly who? Holly-days are here again.

If all the world's a stage, where do the audience sit? What a brilliant thread - just what we need on a cold and rainy day.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itus What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y What did one Angel say to the other ? Halo there

By the time you have made ends meet, they move the ends. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe! What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They both drop their needles What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it

Why was Cinderella such a poor football player? She had a pumpkin for a coach What's beautiful, grey and wears glass slippers? Cinderellephant What's the scariest pantomime? Ghouldilocks and the three bears On which side of the house did Jack's beanstalk grow? On the outside

On a packet of 'Cured Ham' why don't they tell you what it was suffering from?

Mental back up in progress - do not disturb. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

What did Cinderella say when the Chemist lost her photographs? Someday my prints will come What kind of pet did Aladdin have? A flying car-pet What do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they would look silly in plastic macs