General Chat

Why are they called 'hemorrhoids'?. They should be called 'Asteroids' Bad spellers of the world untie.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. Friction is a drag.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape isn't it? Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

'So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

PILGRIM FATHER, KEITH AND BRIAN...KEEP THEM COMING..THEY ARE REALLY GOOD. PIPS XX

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.''

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

AH SO, KEITH

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost !!! HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY ADDITION, BOYS. PIPS XX

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. Things are more like they used to be than they are now. A clear conscience is merely the result of a bad memory. Conlusion : the place where you get tired of thinking. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

N

I've never been to bed with an ugly woman - but I've woken up to a few!! There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'. I got home from the pub last night and found my wife in bed with two men. 'Ullo 'Ullo' I said. 'You're not speaking to me then' said the wife!!

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. A balanced diet is a cream bun in each hand. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

If a firefly has it's rear end cut off, is it delighted ?

'A stitch in time saves nine' said a mother of eight as she sewed up her hubby's pyjamas.