General Chat

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,






'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Oh! It hurts to put this one in!!!


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, 'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a
Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside..........
Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up.'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling people
of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?
'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

--- Subject: Fw: The Perfect Man





A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong.
And his clothing was always immaculate - shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever compare to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'











Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his

bloody widow.'

A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget.......
Nice old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye -
Doesn't it?

Have a Great Day!!!

Going to Heaven...

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, when you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'.

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Stanley raised his hand and said,

'Sister, I think it's your feet'.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, LittleStanley, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Stanley said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming! '...and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

So think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

'Nah.Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

From Caz.



Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked, 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother cause I still have mine'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said. 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.

First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'

The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm okay, but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an allinone?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, I did that by accident.'

She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa.'

He replied, 'How did you know?'

She said, 'Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards.

From Caz!


Subject: Bubba



Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your fath er, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass '.

Remember some time ago:-


A computer was a lead pencil complete with rubber at the end.
Pointed end was print and rubber end was delete.


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.


You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

I think I've got it!!!

BEWARE OF THIS ONE





I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.'

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'

A history lesson from Caz!

Subject: FW: History lesson



IN THE 1500'S



The next time washing your hands and complaining because the water temperature isn't just right, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:



These are interesting....



Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.



Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..



Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.



There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.





The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, 'Dirt poor'. The wealthy had slate floors
that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.



(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)



In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..



Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..



Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.



Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top,or the upper crust.



Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be 'saved by the bell' or was considered a 'dead ringer.'



Whoever said History was boring ? ? ?

Subject: Global Facts About Sex!




.




The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading his/her email

- You hang in there sunshine!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.

If only it were that simple!


A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered...................,





Wait for it. . . . . .wait for it..

You're just gonna love this..


...........................BP!



(I see you smiling)

.

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...



Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.


Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


'Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who put us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.' --Mark Twain

Have a great day..

A woman who speaks 5 languages was asked which was the hardest to learn. She said English. This is the reason why.

You think English is easy?


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns do wn, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car .



At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.And this UP is confusing:



A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP !

One more thing - What is the last thing you do at night and the first thing you do in the morning - U_P!!!!

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?'

'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.'

'Ok,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

'Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.' 'Well, that's pretty *beep*,' he thought.

'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.' He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.'

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.'

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,

Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,

Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,

And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo wings,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,

When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,

When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,

Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,

From the men on the site to the men in the suits,

Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,

Cruising around with my favourite suitors.

Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,

When they're less in the air and more near the floor,

When people see less of them rather than more,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.