General Chat

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby. DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer. DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -GERTIE- DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting? DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -FORTY YEARS HITCHED- DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining! DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -CAROL- DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY- DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work. DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -WONDERING- DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS- DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do. DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -JAKE- DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous. DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -ANNIE- DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -SAM IN CAL.- DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office. DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -TED- DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service. DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, 'I've heard a lot about you'? -RITA- DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard. DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. -ROSE- DEAR ROSE: So would I. DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -BESS- DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

Three moles decide to pop up out of their hole and have a nose around. The first mole says, “I smell honey”, the second mole pops up and says, “I smell sugar”, the third one can’t pop up because the other two are blocking the hole and moans “All I smell is molasses”.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Wichita.? One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too.? Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.? You wanna try it?' So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.? In fact he feels GREAT!? NO hangover! NO bad side effects.? Nothing! Then the phone rings.? It's Jim.? Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great.? How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too.? You don't have a hangover?' Bud says , 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing, we ought to do this more often.' 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No ' 'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver.'

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.' At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, 'Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?' Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, 'Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this,' and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, 'The pupil of the eye, in dim light.' 'Correct Miss Johnson.' said Mr. Perkins. 'And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

There was three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say 'Just like those damn architects give us length when we wanted height!

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. The gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. It is St Peter himself. 'Well, Forrest, it certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. It is now our policy to administer an entrance examination which you must pass before you can get into Heaven.' 'Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams,” says Forrest, “Sure hope the test ain't too hard: life was a big enough test as it was. But the test will be like a box of chocolates - you never know until you bite into it. So dish her up to me now. I'm a-ready St Pete.' The test I have for you is only three questions. The first one is, what days of the week begin with the letter T?' 'Second, how many seconds are there in a year?' 'Third, what is God's first name?' 'Take your time, think about it and come back to me when you reckon that you have the answers.' Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day. St Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow! The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.' 'How about the next one,” says St Peter, 'How many seconds in a year?' 'Now that one's harder' says Forrest,” But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' Astounded, St Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?' Forrest says, “Shucks, Ther gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...' 'Hold it”, interrupts St Peter.”Isee where you are going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too. “Let’s go on with the next and final question,” Says St Peter,'Can you tell me God's first name?' Forrest says, 'Well sure, I know God's first name. Everybody probably knows it. It's Howard'. “Howard?” asks St Peter, 'What makes you think it's Howard?' Forrest answers, “it’s in the prayer.” “The prayer?” asks St Peter, 'Which prayer?' “The Lord's prayer,” responds Forrest, “Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name....”

What the boss thinks. When I take a long time - I am slow When my boss takes a long time - he is thorough When I don't do it - I am lazy When my boss doesn't do it - he is too busy When I do something without being told - I am over-stepping my boundaries When my boss does the same thing - that is initiative When I take a stand - I am stubborn When my boss does it - he is being firm When I overlook a rule of etiquette - I am rude When my boss slips a few rules - he is being original When I please my boss - I am a creep When my boss pleases his boss - he is co-operating When I get ahead - I am lucky When my boss gets ahead - that's hard work

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's (allegedly) true. John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was hitch-hiking by the roadside in the middle of a storm on a very dark night. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, then realised to his horror that nobody was behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Terrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car reached the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel! John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window to steer the car, but never touched him. Shortly afterwards, John saw the lights of a pub along the road, so he gathered his strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced. Silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk. Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one of the newcomers said to the other, 'Look, Bruce! There's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'

DUSTY UNDERWEAR One morning, Jeff took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. 'What the???' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Joyce,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She shot back: 'It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.'

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: 'Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

SMART ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR 2007 SMART ASS ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in 1st class. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER 5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat. She said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' SMART ASS ANSWER 4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The butcher replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART ASS ANSWER 3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER 2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

SENIOR DATING


Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

An elderly woman said to her friend “Last week I bought 2 budgerigars – a male and a female- but the trouble is I don’t know which is which”.
“Can’t you tell from the colour above their beaks?” asked the friend.

“No not when they’re young”.

“Well why don’t you wait til they’re ‘doing the business’ as it were then put a collar on the one on top, because that will be the male?!”

“What an excellent idea” said the woman.

So she waited for the birds to mate and put a collar on the male budgie.

A week later the vicar came round for tea. The budgie took one look at him and squawked “caught you too did they mate?”



Three women were discussing birth control.

The first said “We’re Catholic so we don’t practice birth control”.

The second said “I am too but we use the rhythm method”.

The third said “We use the saucer and bucket method”.

“What’s that?” the other 2 asked.

“Well, “she said “I’m 5 ft 11 inches tall and my husband is 5 ft 2. We make love standing up and when his eyes become as big as saucers I kick the bucket from under him…………………………………



A blond entered a store that sold curtains and told the salesman she wanted a pair of pink curtains. He showed her various patterns but the blond was having trouble choosing. Eventually she decided on the floral print.

“What size curtains do you need?” asked the salesman.

“15 inches” replied the blond.

“That sounds very small. What room are they for?”

“They’re not for a room,” said the blond “they’re for my computer monitor”.

The salesman was baffled “But miss, computers don’t need curtains”.

The blond said “Helloooo! I’ve got Windoooowws”

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel roomand Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk, “she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"