General Chat

There was a chap at the club who in an accident had his ear sliced off, clean as a whistle, and there he was, at the bar, with a brand new ear. “Hello Charlie, you look swell and how did you get your new ear? “ “Well they grew another one from a pigs embryo” he answered. “Wonderful” I said ….”and do you get any problems with it? “Not much - but I have to watch out for the sun and heat otherwise I hear the sound of crackling.” “That should however clear up soon, they have given me some oinkment for it.”

One bitterly cold morning a farmer went to collect his herd of cows from the field and found them all frozen solid. They were covered in ice from head to hoof and the farmer was very worried., I have to milk them he said to himself but how can I. If I can’t milk them I get no money. He was very concerned. Just then a little old lady came by and asked what the problem was . It’s my herd of cows said the farmer - they are frozen solid and I must milk them. The little old lady went up to the first cow and gently rubbed his nose - within no time the ice had fallen off the cow and it was as right as rain. The little old lady went through the herd, rubbing each nose in turn until the whole herd was up and running. The farmer turned to thank the little old lady, but she had gone - just as silently and quickly as she had appeared. That night in the pub the farmer recounted the story to his neighbour. “You know who that was don’t you” the neighbour said. “No” said the farmer” “It was Thora Hurd” said the neighbour.

From dear ol' Caz! NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, 'We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a grade one student handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents...' KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'It's the minister, Mommy,' the child said to her mother. Then she added, 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!' BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found', the boy called out.' What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.________________________________

From Caz nr Heathrow, I'm a 30's baby myself - I know what Caz is but being a gentleman I wouldn't dare say!!! CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE... 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70’s!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because..... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, tell it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

A little change today. Humour Quotes 'Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.' - Ralph Waldo Emerson 'Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.' - Voltaire 'When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.' - Mae West 'If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?' - Abraham Lincoln 'Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.' - Carl Friedrich Gauss, when informed that his wife is dying 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.' - Abraham Lincoln 'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.' - Barbara Bush 'If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.' - Clint Eastwood 'Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.' - Ambrose Bierce 'If you think that something small cannot make a difference- try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.' - Unknown 'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward 'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.' - Brooke Shields 'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.' - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC 'Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.' - The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs) 'I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.' - Unknown

From Caz. I think something like this has been on the threads before - but this is a little different. YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN: 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Another one from Caz! (Bless her.) One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, a fairy godmother appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The fairy godmother dipped her hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. 'Is this your thimble?' the fairy godmother asked. The seamstress replied, 'No.' The fairy godmother again dipped into the river. She held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphire 'Is this your thimble?' she asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The fairy godmother reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' she asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The fairy godmother was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the same fairy godmother again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh, my husband has fallen into the river!' The fairy godmother went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' she asked. 'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The fairy godmother was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Dear fairy godmother, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the fairy godmother let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed, All Us Women

Another from Caz, A man smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis? 'Mister, it's called loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.' 'Well, I’ll be damned,'the drunk muttered', returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, I’m very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the pope does.'

Some more quotes. 'I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.' - Unknown 'You're never too old to do goofy stuff.' - Ward Cleaver 'To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.' - Unknown 'I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.' - Unknown Love Quotes 'True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.' - La Rochefoucauld 'If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with...' - Unknown 'If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.' - Unknown 'We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, and hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.' - Unknown 'For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'It might have been.'' - John Greenleaf Whittier 'What's meant to be will always find a way.' - Trisha Yearwood 'To be able to say how much you love is to love but little.' - Petrarch

Caz says 'Sit up at the back!' First-year students at Medical College were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation.... I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!!!!!!

Thought you would like this, CAZ Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. 'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. 'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy. 'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' You're gonna LOVE me for this.... The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Love 'Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.' - Unknown 'True love is when your heart and your minds are saying the same thing.' - Leanna L. Bartram 'Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.' - Unknown 'Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart, or burn down your house, you can never tell.' - Unknown 'Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?' - Susan Lipsett and Liz Nelson 'Love is like quicksand--the deeper you fall in, the harder it is to get out.' - Unknown 'The heart has it's reasons that reason does not know.' - Pascal 'Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.' - Merle Shan 'The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.' - Disraeli 'To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.' - Theophile Gautier 'You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.' - Barbara De Angelis 'Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.' - Karen Casey 'Love is temporary...but friends are forever.' - Kelly Wheeler 'An immature love says I love you because I need you, but a mature love says I need you because I love you.' - Unknown 'Before you can truly live, you must first learn to love.' - Jennie Clemans 'Let your heart guide you...but listen closely because it whispers' - Land Before Time 'It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.' - Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam 'Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment love begins, but we always recognize the moment it ends?' - Unknown 'Love starts with a SMILE, Grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR.' - Unknown 'Love is friendship, friendship is love. If love fails, friendship should remain. For friendship is the foundation of love' - Unknown 'Promise me you'll never leave me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.' - Winnie the Pooh 'To fall in love is awfully simple, to fall out of love is simply awful.' - Unknown 'You don't get to choose, you just fall.' - Unknown 'The sound of a kiss is not so loud as a cannon, but it's echo lasts a great deal longer.' -Unknown 'The greatest happiness of life it the conviction that we are loved.' - Victor Hugo 'The course of true love never did run smooth.' - William Shakespeare 'Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.' - Unknown 'Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.' - Albert Einstien 'But true love is a durable fire, In the mind ever burning, Never sick, never old, never dead, From itself never turning.' - Unknown 'Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, Shall win my love.' - William Shakespeare 'Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.' - Shakespeare 'In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.' - Janos Arany 'Love and a red nose can't be hid.' - Thomas Holcroft, Duplicity 'Two souls with a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one.' - Friedrich Halm Ingomar the Barbarian 'All is fair in love and war.' - Francais Edward Smedley, Frank Fairleigh 'The secret of love is seeking variety in your life together, and never letting routine chords dull the melody of your romance.' - Unknown 'Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.' - Alexander Smith 'There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.' -La Rochefoucauld 'A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.' - Stendhal 'To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.' - William M. Thackeray 'True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away.' - Alicia Barnhart 'Love is . . . born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation!' - Unknown 'Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love.' - Virgil 'What is a kiss? Why this, as some approve: The sure, sweet cement, glue, and lime of love.' - Robert Herrick 'To be loved, be lovable.' - Unknown 'The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.' - Saint Jerome 'If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he and I was I.' - Unknown 'The eyes those silent tongues of Love.' - Miguel de Cervantes 'Thank you for nothing.' - Miguel de Cervantes 'All for love, and nothing for reward.' - Edmund Spenser

From Caz! - another sexist rendering!!! Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, 'God, please Give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.' Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

another joke from Gordon... Bill met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Bill to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Bill's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Bill comments, 'Surely you can't be ready for more already?' Sharon replies, 'No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had one of my own.'

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

During a visit to a mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. 'Well', said the Director, 'We fill a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup.' 'No'. said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?'

Another from Caz! Two-headed Headlines. GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG MAN HELD OVER GIANT BRUSH FIRE DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

And another fom Caz! Attempts at English! In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

More thingy's on LOVE! 'A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.' - Unknown 'Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.' - Unknown 'True love is when your heart and your minds are saying the same thing.' - Leanna L. Bartram 'Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.' - Unknown 'Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart, or burn down your house, you can never tell.' - Unknown 'Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?' - Susan Lipsett and Liz Nelson 'Love is like quicksand--the deeper you fall in, the harder it is to get out.' - Unknown 'The heart has it's reasons that reason does not know.' - Pascal 'Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.' - Merle Shan 'The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.' - Disraeli 'To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.' - Theophile Gautier 'You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.' - Barbara De Angelis 'Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.' - Karen Casey 'Love is temporary...but friends are forever.' - Kelly Wheeler 'An immature love says I love you because I need you, but a mature love says I need you because I love you.' - Unknown 'Before you can truly live, you must first learn to love.' - Jennie Clemans 'Let your heart guide you...but listen closely because it whispers' - Land Before Time 'It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.' - Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam 'Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment love begins, but we always recognize the moment it ends?' - Unknown 'Love starts with a SMILE, Grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR.' - Unknown 'Love is friendship, friendship is love. If love fails, friendship should remain. For friendship is the foundation of love' - Unknown 'Promise me you'll never leave me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.' - Winnie the Pooh 'To fall in love is awfully simple, to fall out of love is simply awful.' - Unknown 'You don't get to choose, you just fall.' - Unknown 'The sound of a kiss is not so loud as a cannon, but it's echo lasts a great deal longer.' -Unknown 'The greatest happiness of life it the conviction that we are loved.' - Victor Hugo 'The course of true love never did run smooth.' - William Shakespeare 'Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.' - Unknown 'Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.' - Albert Einstien 'But true love is a durable fire, In the mind ever burning, Never sick, never old, never dead, From itself never turning.' - Unknown 'Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, Shall win my love.' - William Shakespeare 'Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.' - Shakespeare 'In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.' - Janos Arany 'Love and a red nose can't be hid.' - Thomas Holcroft, Duplicity 'Two souls with a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one.' - Friedrich Halm Ingomar the Barbarian 'All is fair in love and war.' - Francais Edward Smedley, Frank Fairleigh 'The secret of love is seeking variety in your life together, and never letting routine chords dull the melody of your romance.' - Unknown 'Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.' - Alexander Smith 'There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.' -La Rochefoucauld 'A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.' - Stendhal 'To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.' - William M. Thackeray 'True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away.' - Alicia Barnhart 'Love is . . . born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation!' - Unknown 'Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love.' - Virgil 'What is a kiss? Why this, as some approve: The sure, sweet cement, glue, and lime of love.' - Robert Herrick 'To be loved, be lovable.' - Unknown 'The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.' - Saint Jerome 'If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he and I was I.' - Unknown

FEMALE AND LOGICAL From the Civil Service Pensioner magazine. A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil” however is masculine: “el lapiz.” A student asked “What gender is ‘computer‘” ? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for it’s recommendation. The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la comptadora”), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half you pay on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER) The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”) , because 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and ; 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model;. WHO WON?