General Chat

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

A young student was surprised to see a picture of herself in the National Portrait Gallery - until her teacher spoiled her surprise by pointing out it was just a mirror hanging on the wall.

woman calling her ma in law.....

"whose job is it it to change the child when it poops itself? dad or mom?"

"Its always the mom, honey" that's life...."


Well you'd better come over and see to your son....he's drunk, and made a right mess of himself...

They all used to laugh when I told them one day I’d discover the secrets of invisibility.

If only they could see me now !!!

A dyslexic walks into a bra ........

(From my youngest grandchild who is growing up too quickly.)

A Texan goes to the dentist.

"Your teeth look fine," says the dentist. "Nothing needs doing here".

"Drill anyway" says the Texan. "I feel lucky".

My dentist said to me “ you should have a crown “.

Finally, someone who understands me .

Sally's parents have four children, Eeny Meeny, Minie ....and ...??.what is the name of the fourth child?

My local pub is is only twenty yards away, but coming back home it’s seventy yards.

The difference is staggering!

A Yorkshire couple have five children:- Harry, Richard, Sally, Jane & Ho Yung.

Ho Yung is an unusual name for a baby born in Yorkshire. The parents had read somewhere that every 5th child born in the world is Chinese.

Three teddy bears decide to go back to work after lunch but try as they might they can’t find their tools. Eventually they go and speak to the foreman who says “Don’t you know today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked”.

Vincent Van Gough was notoriously vague.

Whatever you said to him just went in one ear - and straight out the same ear.

:-D :-D Bob hope you don't get us RR'd LOL

:-D :-D :-D

not quite child hood.....

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a pokemon deck”
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£500”
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a rare Charizard Shiny”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "£1000”
Man - "You robbing little bastard. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your Pokemon cards, let's go outside and have a game."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my cards."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "£1500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

My Wife has a black belt in cooking. One chop and your dead.

If two's company & three's a crowd, what are four & five?

Nine!

Two men putting up curtains, what are their names?...…..Kurt,n Rod

What do Winnie the Pooh & John the Baptist have in common?

Their middle name.

Dan Walker's just hand the BBC back to Louise Minchin after speaking

to the Prime Minister "LIVE"....is there any other way Dan ?