General Chat

Allan decided the truth was the best way to go forward......so he started to explain the whole sorry affair......the crew listened and then laughed....it's those tighter than tight tights again thought Allan they are always my downfall. Anyway they felt kinda sorry for this poor man sitting there so agreed to let him stay hidden until they got to their destination......meanwhile Rick and OH weren't so happy.....Rick kept taking OH favourite chocolates until finally she could take it no more and.......

Allan's previous experience of flight did not include actually manning the controls and anyway he didn't know whether the crew were friend or foe.... and there were more of them than he felt ready to take on.

"I'll just have to amaze them and win them over", thought Allan, fearful that he was flying into a situation out of his control.

"I know what I'll do".

Of course, we all know Allan is an old school man and doesn't hold with all this touchy-feely laying on the couch rubbish.....feelings should be hidden and not shared just like tighter than tight tights sparkly or otherwise. Allan tried to get out of the box and as luck would have it at the falls he'd bought himself a pocket-sized swiss army knife with a very tasteful picture of the falls on it, and was soon out of the box.....now what to do....

Seems they were air mailing him back to his physiatrist 's couch to sort out another of Allan's alter egos. I wonder who it will be?........

except Allan wasn't dressed like the milk tray man more like a crazy circus man....Allan of course didn't say that....no......he said....
"Honey the last thing you need is a box of Milk tray...with those hips and all".....that's the last thing he remembers saying....when he woke up he found he was in a box and it sounded like an engine.....unknown to him Rick had appeared with as luck would have it a box of Milk tray....just as OH knocked Allan out....now they were in the plane going to the Grand Canyon.....Allan was in the hold boxed up.......what were they up to.......

.. the very least she'll be expecting is a box of Cadburys Milk Tray. She always seemed to enjoy watching the Milk tray man deliver his chocolates.

Now, where I can buy some...

Time seemed to stand still but no it had been forever....

Allan saw a way...

He got a taxi to the helicopter tours, jumped on board and got them to swoop down to the Hornblower, grabbed OH whilst pushing Rick overboard...he was a drip a little more water wouldn't hurt him let the Rapids sort him out.....on landing OH gazed lovingly at Allan....Honeymoon capital and all....oh no thought Allan...what have I done now.....

... how long will it take him to make up his mind.
Allan has spent over 24 hours dithering mid bridge.

So, should he stay or should he go......

Rick and OH had a fabulous time snuggling up...just to keep warm you understand.
Allan meanwhile spent a very long time explaining that whilst he claimed to be from Australia he didn't know anyone called Crocodile Dundee and yes his accent was more By 'eck than G'day......suddenly one officer came into the room and announced he could leave but he'd have to walk back across the bridge as it was time for their coffee break.
Allan not one to look a gift horse in the mouth was halfway across the bridge before they'd even poured the coffee. At that point he caught a glance of Rick and OH on the Hornblower boat all snuggled up to keep warm still......his blood boiled.....revenge he thought but how.......

Rumours started t float around on the Canadian side of the border.
Allan,s Oh was looking forward to updates from Border Security USA.

So there was Allan in dubious clothes in one country, while OH had all the family identity papers and was in another country.... Not a good situation, as Allan envisaged having to explain his predicament many times once he left this initial group of officials.

He decided to sit it out, as surely his wife would send a rescue party for him.

She meanwhile was having a great time.
Rick O'Shea, true to his name, had stayed around and was back by her side, constantly.
Allan wasn't keen on his recurring presence and suddenly another worry crossed his mind. His wife had documents for herself and a husband.
Surely she wouldn't leave Allan to the American authorities and try to pass Rick off as Allan would she?

Trouble was knitted long johns are similar to knitted swimsuits....best not worn when wet...so between that and the tighter than tight sparkly tights it took some time to take them off....Allan was pretty sure they shouldn't have been sniggering and filming him and had visions of Youtube hits in his future......finally they were satisfied he wasn't smuggling anything budgie or otherwise....then they tried to establish his motive for falling into the falls.....

OH in the meantime was experiencing all of the delights of the falls she knew Allan was a big boy and could take care of himself she'd seen him pulled into the boat.....after all he had his knitted long johns on what could go wrong.......

We don't have budgie smugglers in America so we need to check, if you could just remove your tights Sir.Allan thought thank God I'm wearing the long johns OH knitted for me.......

"Ah the Honeymoon capital of the World" OH declared when she heard Allans suggestion......"horror of horrors" thought Allan.......but it was too late the sparkle in her eyes and his sparkly tighter than tight tights were enough to get her going let alone his Joseph coat........onwards to the falls....

Allan wisely decided the Canadian side WAS far superior to the American so planned his trip accordingly. What Allan hadn't calculated was quite how cold the exposed falls were at this time of year.....as most would know the falls make a lot of spray and that falling onto cold surfaces makes ice....Allan later told the story thus

"I was dodging OH millionth grab of my rear when I lost my footing on an icy patch, went head first over the alarmingly low railings flying over the ridiculously small patch of land and tumbled down into the water.......but not before a seagull pooped on my head.......once in the water......very cold water I might add....I was quickly rescued by the Maid of the Mist boat....which used to work both sides but now only works the American side......and that officer is how I landed up on American soil without any paperwork which is in my OH enormous handbag in Canada........why are you laughing surely you've seen sparkly tights before....I know I know but OH insisted I carry on wearing them........and what do you mean you'll need to give me a full body search??".......

Of course, Allan and his wife had lived in the Southern hemisphere for many years now and snow-covered days.. and months of them.. had slipped his mind when agreeing to OH's plans.
Now he must gently persuade her to change her mind, - something which she was quite capable and often would do herself at the drop of a hat, but it had to be HER idea to want the change.
Sparkly tights would not be suitable for the cold even with his 'Joseph' coat to wrap around him.
"No, nothing for it, but to head south, where we'll be warmer" thought Allan, but wondered on the wisdom of trying to see America in his present attire.

"Then again, we could visit Niagara Falls, while we're 'up North'. That's somewhere I'd really like to visit.............

If it involves Allan....and our sad imaginations....nooooooooo


What Allan and OH were forgetting was right now Canada is going into Winter.....so rather than looking out a train window and saying "Oh look a tree....and another one...and another what glorious colours"...it was going to be mostly "Oh look snow.....more drifts...blizzards.....tree oh no hang on it's a snow-covered pole....there's the tree sticking out of the snowdrift".....which is why they don't run train trips coast to coast during winter....what to do until April............hmmmm.........

O.H reached into it's voluminous depths and brought out a travel brochure for a coast to coast train journey across Canada.
"I thought we'd try somewhere more leisurely", she declared, "Somewhere where we can just sit back and admire the scenery"

Allan agreed that the scenery was indeed spectacular and as he'd had enough of fighting off erstwhile suitors for a while, he went along with the plan.

Nothing unusual could happen on a train, could it?

The watery eyes were not only in sympathy but also because Allan knew if he didn't tread carefully she'd manage to get a blow in his direction too.......fast as a speeding turnip Allan used all of his Green pudding skills and managed to safely stand next to OH as if nothing had happened, handily standing on the still prone Rick.

OH had a glint in her eyes still and a travel brochure in her sizable handbag.....the next adventure was about to begin Allan thought and sure enough........

But Allan needn't have worried. Unknown to him although his OH was of eastern European descent, she had been born in Oldham in the wilds of Lancashire and as a young girl had been initiated into the mysterious martial art of 'Ecky Thump, together with the less lethal art of clog fighting.

Indeed, she was a Grand Master (Grand Mistress somehow doesn't sound quite correct) of the martial art and had been awarded the coveted flat cap.

(For those readers who are not aware of, or who may never heard of 'Ecky Thump this article will leave you spellbound, or, if you are a hen possibly egg bound) http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ecky-Thump

Allan's wife knew about the reputation that Rick had in relation to woman and just as he put his arm around her shoulder she used 'Ecky thump to deadly effect.

Allan only dimly saw the lightning fast movement of her arms and hands, but he did clearly see Rick fall to the ground and assume a foetal position; his hands were nowhere to be seen and he was making a high pitched whinnying sound.

Although Allan didn't particularly like Rick, his own eyes watered in sympathy.

:-D :-D


"Barge pole....barge pole what can I use?"......then suddenly Allan saw it.....for some strange reason the Worlds largest fiddle from Sydney Nova Scotia was here as part of a traveling show....the bow was exactly ten foot six inches....what....stranger things can happen :-) :-)

In one bound Allan grabbed the bow and managed to knock the flaming dagger....which had taken a ridiculous amount of time to fly through the air if I may say....the flaming dagger now dealt with Allan needed to "rescue" his OH from Rick.......