General Chat

dvd she hadn't got round to watching yet...

she carried on pulling things from the bag

a box of safety matches
cotton wool
magnifying glass
some sausages
tin of beans
dozen eggs
bread

"Great" said Allan "I was feeling a bit peckish get cooking woman"

no sooner had he finished saying that then he saw her get out a frying pan which for some reason she was now swinging.....near him.....

OH continued to empty the contents of her bag. 'Crikey' said Allan 'you could rival Mary Poppins with that lot!'

'Nonsense' said OH, putting on her best Dame Edith Evans 'Its a Handbag!'

Neverthless, as OH was once a Girl Guide out it all came.

A piece of plain paper with a pencil.
A long piece of string
4d for the phone
Another map
A compass with a magnetic north
A torch for when it gets dark
A whistle in case it gets foggy
Sunglasses when it gets sunny
Snow goggles when it gets snowy
Fold up umbrella

'Crikey' said Allan again, he liked that word 'its a wonder you dont have the kitchen sink.................'

OH, swiftly pulled out the Butler............

That's easy, thought his OH. That old police map she carried in her capacious bag showed their route to be through Reading. There was Oscar Wilde and Reading Gaol - Allan always did love poetry ;-)

"I'll give you a pound" said a voice from the shadows......
"Blimey Cliff hides everywhere" thought Allan "are times that hard he's into scrap metal now?"
"Oh Cliff my hero" said OH as she fainted
"Hang on this is meant to be my holiday too" said Allan "where's all my heroes?"

if I sold these here bits and pieces and got rid of the dumper truck I might be able to get a better vehicle.

Any offers...….

Refreshed by an over-night stay at the Premier Inn and having eaten his chosen 'full English', Allan and OH made their way to the car park, where they'd left the dumper truck.

What a cheek!
Someone had thought it was there to collect rubbish and unwanted items. It was almost full with black sacks, but balanced on the top of the pile were 2 scooters and an old tandem.

'I wonder,' thought Allan...........

Then it dawned on Allan he didn't need a Travel agent he could navigate by the stars hadn't he been taught that in the boy scouts or was it OH in the Girl guides anyway it can't be that hard can it?? So Melton Mowbray is where now....pretty much North of here easy peasy......and there's a Premier Inn sorted.....

where Allan spent many happy hours blasting away with a trusty Sterling SMG then a quick march back to Keogh Barracks for what passed for lunch.

Still, that was in the past and he now had the future to consider.

Pausing only to lower the bucket and eject Brian who was using language anything but blessed, Allan drove off in search of a travel agents and a salmonella sandwich

The Ash Vale ranges were floating in and out of Allans mind....now what was it about them he couldn't shift??....if only Brian would shut up for a minute....what's he yelling...low bridge??....nope....now the ranges......

A dumper truck was not the best of transport to use in leafy Surrey.

A high class vehicle would have been more fitting, but ever keen to explore the land that they'd left so many years ago, Allan and OH set off, carrying with them in their scoop the large Brian, protesting loudly.

I must really get out of this M25 enclosure otherwise I'll be stuck here forever. I'm at Leatherhead, thought Allan. So I might as well take the OH and her shadow the Blessed Brian and show them what life was like on the Ash Vale ranges- seeing as I had thought about them a few pages ago.

Then, with any luck, I can carry on northwards to Melton Mowbray for my pie.

"How big is this pork pie?" asked OH

"Who said I need it for the pie, I might want to lift something even heavier" said Allan as he thought he glared at Brian......unfortunately he's a bit cross-eyed and he was really glaring at OH.....who wasn't too happy and....

Brian luckily knew just the place to go, so they quickly arrived at an equipment hiring company, but all the cranes were out on redevelopment sites and all the hire company could offer was a dumper truck.

Not quite what Allan had hoped for, but on the bright side it might be easier to manoeuvre than a crane.

:-D :-D Blessed was the day

he asked where Allan wanted to go.

'To the nearest Travel Agent, but first to an equipment hire company'

demanded 'Put yer foot down mate, and don't muck with me', said Allan.

'Oooh Fancy,' said Brian. :-D 'What a Day this has been!'

(sorry I came over all nostalgic then for a Panda)

Brian decided that he had been a cad for too long, and as quick as a Flash, he ........

Allan screeched to a halt

OK, technically, Allan applied the brake in a somewhat harsh manner and it was the car that screeched to a halt.

Allan got out and opening the back passenger door, dragged Brian out, no mean feat given Brian's size.

'You drive,' wheezed Allan once the black spots if front of his eyes had dissipated, 'You've been driving police cars before I even passed my driving test'

Allan then

:-D :-D

Allan found a car with the keys in it...blimey no wonder car crime is so high in the UK thought Allan....he jumped in shouted "If you want to be with me you better jump in now honey" and to his amazement both OH and Brian jumped in....oh well thought Allan two for the price of one.....they set off at breakneck speed and found their way to Leatherhead after a short drive...this made OH giggle in the back which was a funny place to giggle from not from her mouth...and she made whispered comments about Allan and the town having something in common...then onwards to somewhere called Downside....I think the Gods are trying to tell me something thought Allan what could it be

Allan could stand it no longer, so he sat down and looked at his knee.

He nearly fainted at the sight of the twisted, bulbous, painful thing and exclaimed loudly "Ma Knee is the root of all evil"

His knee looked back at him and grinned.

This was too much for Allan. It must have been all those jellied eels on top of the weak and tasteless London beer that had fired up his fevered imagination.

Despite all the voices in his head, Allan still had no idea of his geographical location and was amazed with what could have been Hampton Court or even Hampton Wick.

Hold on though, thought Allan, I'm not a Cockney, but a true blue Lancastrian (ok we won't quibble that the actual birthplace shown on his birth certificate was a rather exclusive village in Cheshire known as Prestbury)

Oh what he wouldn't give to be striding over the Pennines once again, and to be sinking pints of Boddington's best bitter in one of the moorland pubs, or, bitter yet, pints of John Willie Lees in Middleton.

That will show them, thought Allan, metaphorically sticking his tongue out to the voices in his head.

He set off once again to find his OH and carry her over the threshold of the nearest Travel Agency once he could organise an appropriate crane.

All the ladies fainted.....my knees aren't that bad thought Allan...then he looked up and saw Bran had taken his top off....oh that's nice thought Allan he's going to bandage me...but no Brian was going to shield OH eyes from the sight of Allan knees......

No ordinary ball boy this.

He scooped Allan up and deposited him down by the umpire's chair.
Was more than Allan's pride hurt?

He rolled up a trouser leg to look.