General Chat

...but first he had to work out whether 'jabs' was a euphemism........

Yeah but there's no fun in that is there....and not nice French wine......but whatever.... :-D :-D

So if going to this area he'd need a jab or two for any illness he might come across...now does Allan like jabs??.....

Having studied French for five years in High school many, many, years ago, Allan had long ago decided that whilst not a TOTAL waste of time, as it did come in handy on a holiday in Bulgaria, a holiday which Allan should not have gone on at the time, at least without HM Government's consent (but that's another story) he was not likely to use the language and studiously avoided all such occasions.

Accordingly, he had applied, and been accepted, for a position at the Cape Leeuwin lighthouse positioned where the Indian Ocean meets the Southern Ocean.

This lighthouse had the benefit of being on dry land with adequate shopping facilities in either Augusta or, slightly further North, Margaret River.

...but as he was still in the UK he might find it easier to look for a butcher with Black pudding....and that's how this all started isn't it.....so he looked for the nearest supermarket....and when he got there he found the shelves bare....someone or something had got there before him.........

.. trying to remember his schoolboy French he worked out that black was noir and boudin was a type of French sausage.

So what he needed was a butcher selling Boudin Noir and he'd feel right at home.

..........but first, he had to get there.

He realised that shopping trips were going to be difficult in such an isolated location, so he needed to pack a few essential supplies to take with him.

First clothing and food, yes that would be a good start.
He knew what it was like to crave something he couldn't get...... That's what had got him in such a mess previously, so he had to think carefully............

No problem....his French ...like some other things...might be a bit rusty but still.....

....Allan had,t realised that that lighthouse is open to the publc :-D

"Hang on Doc....you said get away from it all right?"
"Yes"
"Does that include the wife?"
"Well...."
"I'll take that as a yes.....can you send me somewhere where no one will talk to me for a long time?"
"Maybe...but.."
and that dear reader is how Allan not only went somewhere where no one would talk to him but got himself a new job.......a lighthouse keeper in Cordouan France.....now what could possibly go wrong there.....

'Very interesting,' said the psychiatrist, 'It would seem that all these personalities are the result of your fervid imagination.'

'Not mine,' said Allan, 'But of many people. I think that I am just a receptor.'

'I see,' said the wise old man. 'The human entities I can understand, but a dog? A monkey?'

'Perhaps they're my wife's' replied Allan, 'She often calls me a beast, and I've been in the dog-house more times than I've had hot tins of "Chum"'

'I think that what you could do with is a complete break from everything. Get away, relax. Have you ever considered a nice long voyage'

At that particular moment Allan was thinking of a nice long term in prison for the slaying of a member of the Medical profession.

Only as he was halfway through the door did he wonder why OH hand was so small and hairy.....looking back he saw he was clutching the Monkeys hand who in turn was clutching Fido paw. Fido had bitten the butcher cos he just smelt so good. The butcher had chopped through a coconut. The broken coconut had landed on Rick foot making him jump up crying like a baby and landing in OH lap as she lay still on the trolley. ....the only one not affected was the old man from the shop....well he was a wise old man and saw it all coming......

the girl with the coconuts, the old man from the shop, Fido, the butcher (with his knife and steel) Rik, the monkey and OH lying terrified on the other trolley.

'Eh up' thought Allan, 'something no quite right here. It says capacity for 6 persons, there are more than that!'

The butcher was muttering about 'fresh supplies' and Allan was suddenly struck by his resemblance to Sweeny Todd. (not the cop series obviously)

At the lift shuddered to the third floor and the girl with the coconuts flung open the shutters, Allan grabbed his OH's hand and began to leap to his feet....

As the doors closed Allan even in this state couldn't resist..."I called this meeting to discuss the current situation.."
Nothing......not even a smirk.....what sort of hospital was this....then as he looked around the lift he started to see who was in there with him.........

.... There was a lot of noise in the corridor, plenty of hushed conversation and then Allan's 'magic' curtains were pulled aside ( do they really think they are sound-proof too ?) and the changing situation was explained.

It would appear that the hospital had had a surge of patients admitted with similar symptoms, so Allan and OH would need to share a ward, where they and others could be treated together.

"Hop on these trolleys ", they were instructed.

Allan was in no fit state to hop anywhere and OH was at present in a 'leaning forward' position doing what was lately her oft times occupation.

The porter waited for Allan to be helped onto one trolley and they were off, leaving OH for the moment to continue watching for carrots (there's always carrots !)

Along the corridor they went and into a lift...................

As if !!

As all parents know once one person is sick everyone else joins in, before you know it the Monkey had phoned for an ambulance.
Once at the hospital the usual questions were asked including any foreign travel....well obviously yes they were on their hols right now.....next thing Allan knew they were in insolation until......

Well, well, well, thought Allan.

Rick's gone, now all I have to do is get this monkey of my back.

Life was beginning return to what passes for normal in the Mortimer household

That was what Allan's wife thought, as she threw up all over Ricks patent leather shoes.

Allan's wife had had rather a lot of practice at this and could now hit a target five metres away with her projectile vomiting.

Rick looked down at his shoes in disgust; after all he'd done for Allan's wife this is how she repaid him.

Pausing only to prop her against the nearest wall, he walked out of her life forever

..was seen to have his arms around Allan’s OH. He was holding her up.... she really shouldn’t,t have eaten her share of the old pork pie!

coconuts!!

"Wonder if they throw in a nice young lady if you buy some?" Allan thought....

Then he spotted it...hidden behind all the other strange contents.....a real life pickled egg...he hadn't seen one of those for a while....now Allan was expecting a normal pickled egg but this one was a Century egg....."yuck" thought Allan "I'm not trying that where's Rik when you want him".....and as if by magic.....

The door bell tinkled as Allan entered the shop. It was dimly lit, with only an eerie green light highlighting the bottles on the shelves.

A wizen old man appeared from behind the counter. He has pince-nez glasses on the end of his nose, long white hair hanging to his shoulders, and an exotic silk kimono jacket hung from his bony shoulders.

'Good afternoon young sir, what can I do for you? said the old man.

Allan looked behind him, to see who he was talking to. Realising he meant Allan himself, Allan ventured further into the shop.

Strange and colourful jars were around the shelves, nothing looking like gherkins at all. 'That one looks like a snake' thought Allan, curiously scanning the shelves.

One particular jar caught Allan eye, it contained......