General Chat

Allan had lost the plot years ago when he was kicked of his Allotment for growing cash crops.

He'd decided a long time ago that living a life of fantasy was far better than living with reality, so to him parachutes on board a submarine made perfect sense, as did meeting Captain Pugwash and his crew, long-time heroes of Allan's.

Parachutes they've totally lost the plot now or have they.....as this sub happened to have sea to air missiles.....all they had to do was get tied to one launch it then jump off and use the parachutes to land safely....sounds simple right???.....

'Fair enough,' said the Captain, 'Stow it, boys,' he shouted

Silence descended over the cabin as thickly as a fog descends over the city.

Very poetic, thought Allan, although some of the fogs he'd experienced in his early years could not be described as poetic. They were more the stuff of drama which you could almost chew upon.

'So where are we?' Allan asked the Captain

'We're here'

'But where's here?' Allan persisted

'In the Mess'

'Well I agree that it doesn't look very tidy, but I'd hardly call it a mess'

'Bl**dy landlubbers,' muttered the Captain.

Allan could see, that like his current voyage, the conversation was going nowhere so he decided to change the subject.

'Do you enjoy being in this boat'

'But of course I do,' responded the Captain, ' I think that Kenneth Grahame summed it up nicely; "Simply messing...about in boats -- or with boats... In or out of 'em it doesn't matter. Nothing seems to matter, that's the charm of it. Whether you get away, or whether you don't; whether you arrive at your destination or whether you reach somewhere else, or whether you never get anywhere at all, you're always busy, and you never do anything in particular; and when you've done it there's always something else to do, and you can do it if you like, but you'd much better not." '

Allan and his wife crept silently away and went searching for a couple of parachutes

Ah yes the First Mate, whose name will not be written down. :-D

However, Captain Pugwash and his crew seemed very jolly, and were singing sea shanties.

'Funny' thought Allan, 'I am a man of the world, but did not know THOSE words to that tune!'

OH, put her head fully into her capacious bag to hide her blushes.

'Steady, on me hearties' cried Allan 'Lady present!!!!'

"The first mate looks so familiar" he thought...."Got it" he yelled ....."Captain Pugwash that's who you are" as he pointed at the First mate.

The First mate looked a bit sheepish and tried to leave the room.....until....

OH did so love to see a man in uniform, - so smart, even though they were so out of place.

They settled down to enjoy their meal.

She gazed in wonder at this motley crew......... Allan just wondered.....

"Funny" thought Allan "didn't know this was a steam-powered sub why so many firemen......"

… Arrh, said Cuthbert.

You'll have to wait and see if there are any leftovers, cos I've got to feed my crew first.

Here they come - Pugh, Pugh, Barney Mcgrew, Dibble and Grubb.

Allan crept along the sub. It was bigger on the inside, perhaps it was akin to the Tardis.

Into the galley, Allan peeped around the door, who did he see with a cleaver in his hand? None other than Cuthbert......

"I know I know it....but what is it....." thought Allan
OH had a big smile going across her face
"Now what's she up to?" thought Allan
Then it dawned on Allan how could he not place the smell......it was.........Black pudding....well before he had finished that thought he was off to find where the smell was coming from dragging OH with him.....

OH rolled her eyes, Allan rolled them back to her.

OH knew the value of always carrying a spare pair of tights, just in case of a ladder, and fished around in her capacious bag. 'Hmmm,' OH mused, 'if we did have a ladder, we could get out of this submarine!

As she turned over the contents of her bag, they began to realise it was meal time, and a waft of cooking was making its way through the sub.

Now what was that smell?

If Allan managed to persuade the Bosun's mate to part with them, - unlikely though that was - he might find them uncomfortable and end up with an unusual gait himself,

Didn't OH have a spare pair in her bottomless bag.

Allan had a strange feeling go through his body.....what was this...why it's jealousy...he really liked those tights but what to do......

'Why' queried Allan.

'Because that will fire our super callous fragile missile packed with high explosives'

'Well at least it would make a clean sweep of things,' muttered Allan to no one in particular.

Just then the Bosun's Mate minced by. Allan was startled to see that he (the Bosun's Mate, not Allan) was still wearing the sparkly green tights.

was standing behind one of the sailors watching him studying the sonar, twiddling knobs and being very efficient.

One red button caught Allan's eye (and threw it back) it literally winked at Allan, daring him to press it.

'What is this one for?' Allan could resist no more. His finger was itching to press the button.

Naval Rating No 1, looked aghast. 'Never, ever press that button....'

Could Allan resist?

Fortunately someone had done so, ...it's the training , you know.

Their quick descent did nothing for their physical well-being and OH started to look very queasy.

"Oh no", said Allan, remembering her delicate digestive system."We haven't got that to contend with in a confined space, have we?"

It wasn't long before the rapid descent eased to a more gentle pace and OH's face took on a more natural colour.

Allan meanwhile............

By eco, thought Allan, I hope someone remembered to close the hatch!

Allan and OH decided it would be prudent to board the sub. Down they went, OH was pleased she was wearing trousers.

It was gloomy inside the sub, with lots of knobs and dials.

'Crikey, this looks like a set from a 50's filum,' thought Allan. 'I am expecting to see Johnny Mills, Dickie Attenborough and Bryan Forbes.'

Suddenly the lights began to flash, a siren wailed, and the tannoy repeated
'Dive, dive, dive'...…….

Allan was now worried...he'd seen the movie many years ago The hunt for Red October...yes the sub got to America safely...in the end... but he wasn't sure his and OH stomachs could put up with evasive action should it be required.....

But nothing will go wrong will it if they go aboard......

Allan was treading water with a lifebuoy ring around his middle. He imagined he looked a little like Leonardo de Caprio. The wet shirt could also be attributed to a certain Mr Darcy.


Allan heard a familiar whoop whoop sound of the submarine horn as it began to surface. Allan was tossed around in the sea as it came to the top of the water.


The lid popped up, and the captain appeared, bearing a striking resemblance to Sean Connery......