General Chat

with the creature whilst his wife's dulcet tones still rang in his ear, 'Put that creature down, there's something fishy going on here'

'I'm just going to release her,' replied Allan, 'She's undersized, she should be a minimum of 38 and this one is only 36'

This earnt Allan a box round his lugholes as the only tape measure was still reposing at the bottom of his wife's commodious bag.

Allan was beginning to flounder.

The mermaid looked on with sympathy in her eyes now that the scales had fallen from them.

The 'haggis' shivered and shuddered. The tripes and lights trembled away.

Lo and behold a beautiful mermaid lay on the table. Allan was transfixed.

What a wonder to behold. Long blonde hair, cracking figure, 36-24 and 2/6 per lb.

Allan felt a sharp dig in his ribs. OH was not best pleased.

The crew strangely enough were looking at her tail, and imagining how many portions of fish pie could be made.

Allan swept the delightful creature up in his arms and made off.....

These Orientals would not inflict pain on him on purpose would they?

Allan decided that the burn mark on his wrist must have been an Occident.

The haggis was brought into the room proceeded by a boy with a cat under his arm and twisting its tail.

Allan didn't know where the crew had come up with this notion for piping the haggis in but it certainly wasn't from watching the Edinburgh Military Tattoo.

The haggis, too, looked strange as it writhed on the plate.

This strangeness continued as the haggis jumped from the plate onto the table

He wasn't sure what would be served as haggis.
It might contain many indistinguisable and unpalatable delights?

But offending one's hosts was not on and might have dire consequences, so Allan decided it would be prudent to join in wholeheartedly with the festivities.

He of course knew and had partaken of many cross- arms renderings of Auld Lang Syne, but what was this holding your colleagues wrist all about?

He waited to find out.and then it became painfully obvious................

:-D :-D :-D

Just then Allan heard a susurration of Chinese voices. He knew that it wasn't he who was humming so it must have been Chinese whispers :-D

A wizened face appeared at the hatch.

Allan was told that the crew were having a joint Burns Night/ Chinese New Year celebration. They called it a Chinese Burns Night, and that he was invited.

Allan really didn't want to go, but the crew twisted his arm

:-D :-D :-D

As Allan started to throw them overboard he couldn't stop humming The Police song "message in a bottle"....unfortunately in all the recent adventures Allan Ablutions were questionable to say the least so he really was humming so OH was singing "Don't stand so close to me"....

Allan wasn't sure about squid for tea, but he could certainly use the ink to write letters asking for help.

These could be put into some of the many bottles littering the junk and thrown overboard.

Weren't the maritime postal services wonderful

...”Goody “ shouted the junks cook (the bubbling sounds were coming from al the woks he had on the go.)

“Enough giant squid for everyone - now who catchee squid for tea”

"What is this fiction to which you refer?" asked the wise old China man in charge of the Junk...
"more importantly," said Allan "what is that bubbling sound by the boat?"
"Ah don't worry kind sir this is nothing"
"Really? I find that hard to believe seeing how things have been these past few days"

Allan had hardly finished saying these words when all of a sudden the boat started to move in a jerky fashion.......and a rather large tentacle came over the bow towards Allan.....

Fiction! :-S

"No duff! No duff"

OH has just finished an afternoon nap in which she dreamed that I am going to jail.

My crime; seizing a cruise ship, the 'Ovation of the Seas'.

'T was a very convoluted story but apparently I managed to park it on the beach near to our motel before the authorities in very large cars turned up :-S.

OH has not really been following this thread so there must be some form of psychic osmosis taking place :-D

So much for reality(?), now please continue with the fiction(?)

:-D :-D :-D :-D

PS No duff is an expression used during British Army exercises to indicate that what follows is NOT part of the exercise but a genuine occurrence. As a member of the Medical Reserve we often got this type of message.

One man's junk, is another man's gold. So Allan picked up a few bars for 'safe keeping', know it would come in handy later to barter for essentials like....a good watch, or a pretty dress for OH.

The sea was calm and they drifted towards the horizon, when a strange bubbling in the water alerted them to......

Allan's wife peered into the depths of her bag and jumped back screaming. She had just seen a pair of small eyes staring at her.

Recovering, she plucked up the courage to once again look in the bag and there were the eyes looking back.

Undaunted, Allan's wife put her hand in the bag and pulled out the Peking duck.

At least she wouldn't go hungry.

Meanwhile Allan had transferred from the Bermuda sloop to a slow boat to China. Looking at the mess surrounding him with bits of odd furniture, assorted engine parts, and old clothing, Allan knew that he was on a Junk.

...but OH was the one with the special 'hold-it'all' bag.

Now what had she got that would help in their present situation.?


She peered into it's depths...................................

And as the waves moved the dinghy away a voice could be heard - getting fainter “Allan you..........

No worries she got Allan to tell her a story of his daring do's and all that hot air soon filled it up :-D As for big enough for two...poor Allan...it was only big enough for one BUT OH jumped in and with a smile on her face she tapped her lap coxing Allan to jump in.....Allan had other ideas.......

.found the blowup dinghy she had liberated from a locker on the submarine.

But would she have enough time t blow it up and was it big enough for 2?

Nope openly a whaling ship again...

It was a Bermuda sloop coming to their rescue. Once on board Allan realized how old and leaky it was. People were shouting orders at them things to do with Jibs and rigging....he was all at sea this was unlike any cruise ship he'd ever been on....the one thing he did know though was they'd gone out of the frying pan into the fire....if they didn't bail out smartish they'd be on another sub.....Allan could only find a thimble OH though looked in her copious bag and......

Well, Allan was singing 'Nearer my Cod to thee' whilst his wife was singing 'There's no Plaice like home'

They might have both been better singing a duet such as 'Salmon enchanted evening'

This could cue the arrival of a trawler from Grimsby or, as a whale may be involved, a Japanese whaling...sorry a Japanese scientific research vessel