General Chat

There was no way of sugar-coating it.

Yes...finally....Allan had found a place where he fitted in perfectly......

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?

I don't like the look of it.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.

Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting, and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long.

The way that a cow does.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
Given good manners, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat?
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame.

The mother and the father.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not spoiled, then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.

What do you get from a glut of TV?
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three
Why don't you try simply reading a book?
Or can you just not bear to look?

You'll get no. .you'll get no. .you'll get no commercials.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.

But it can't be them as there was that awful incident recently in the treacle mine and they're all stuck there for a while.....maybe it was the Oompa-Loompas......

Doddy's diddy men on their annual trip to stock up on a few tickling sticks

But were all those little gnomes actually garden gnomes or were they.........

Allan knew that his wife had spent too much time in the sun without her hat on (well that is another way of explaining what he really thought)

'Why are you talking to that garden gnome?'

'Well it just talked to me.' she replied defensively, 'And there's a whole carriageful of them, all chattering away'

'Yes dear, but this isn't the warthog express you know. Those garden ornaments belong to Mr. Carter in the next berth. They're the latest innovation; walking, talking gnomes guaranteed to stop any intruders dead in their tracks. He's taking them to a Gardening Exhibition in Perth'

'Oh' was the best response his OH could muster

Allan wondered why there were so many children on this train and why they all said it was going to be a wizard time alot....

One child with a strange lightning bolt birthmark on his forehead approached them, asking if he needed any help such as a spell or two......Allan cast his eyes towards his OH...but too late she jumped in first..."Yes young man I'd like you to cast a spell on my husband here and make him......."

Oh dear, never just jump on any old train.
This train left from platform 9 3/4. This was a ‘special’ sort of platform.......

Of course!

Jump on the first train that came along and see where it took them.

By one of those freak, one in a million, occurrences (which seem to happen every third time) the first train in was...………..the Indian Pacific.

Whether it was going to Perth or Sydney Allan neither knew nor cared.

They were going home.

9 3/4

Allan looked high and low left and right but not up and down.

By now his neck was starting to ache and OH wasn't being helpful at all muttering something about always having a pain in his neck....wonder why??

Allan, of course, couldn't ask for help him being of the male species so what to do....

Allan and his OH we’re having trouble finding the right platform. They all seemed to be full numbers and the needed to find .....

Allan wondered if he was marching to the beat of a different drum.

He also wondered if the masons were not just a few tiles short of a roof but a building short of a site.

Why hang around the wreckage of a crashed plane when what passed for civilization in these parts was only five hundred metres behind them?

However, he and his wife had their own problems and after purchasing a coffee they strolled across the road to the railway station. Fortunately they still had their WA Seniors Cards with them and on enquiring at the booking office as to whether or not they were acceptable here they were told they were.

Allan thought that he would play a bit of a joke on the clerk and said, 'In that case, please give us two return tickets.'

'Where to?' asked the clerk.

'Back here, of course.' responded Allan

Holding a tissue to his bleeding nose, Allan drew the conclusion that the locals were somewhat lacking in the humour department.

Allan much to his amazement did find a coffee shop and a store...of sorts....but this certainly wasn't Tesco....more an old curiosity shop.....what could go wrong...

...and there will be a coffee shop on the opposite corner to the superstore ;-)

Now all he needed were some supplies but it's not like he'd find a 24 hour superstore anywhere nearby would he?.........

Allan quickly decided that these Masons were a few slates short of a roof so he returned the tiles with a few suggestions about where they could stick them.

This was necessary to ensure that the roof would be weatherproof when the rainy season started, for which season Allan was not going to be around to enjoy.

He had already hatched a cunning plan in that fertile imagination of his for escaping from this place

Allan then thought deeply, maybe it was the Pink gins talking she could never handle her drink at the best of times.......oh no hang on what are they doing......why they're playing some kind of board games....OH is cheering and jumping for joy....why it's Scrabble and she's just made a 7 letter letter word....well they are Masons and Scrabble uses tiles close enough??

Allan looked at the tiles he'd been given.....XYQKLPV.....typical!! What to do....

Extremely desperate.

Allan surveyed the various items of clothing as the sun was setting, and as he didn't fancy just a thong at twilight he decided on the big girl's bloomers. He also helped himself to a big girl's blouse.

Feeling much more comfortable he made his way back to the group

'PERVERT' his wife screamed at him when she saw his attire.

Allan sighed deeply and thought to himself, the Kraken Wakes

As luck would have it Allan found a washing line strung up along the beach with some very interesting underwear on it....more big girls bloomers though than thongs.....how desperate is Allan for clean underwear???