General Chat

OH and Rick didn't want to risk having a starving dog to care for, so decided that as this was one smart dog, they would let IT decide where they went next.

OH looked in her wondrous bag to see if there was anything lurking that could feed them, - you never know, there might even be a plot in there, ...I think we've all lost that.

Nothing doing, so OH announced "Find ! " and they all took off, hot on the heels of Fido, who seemed to have picked up another scent.

After a while.........

They remembered they'd left Allan cuffed to the shed so returned for him...to say he wasn't best pleased would be an understatement. Off they set again.....quite why three grown adults put all their trust in a police dog is worrying to say the least, but trust they did....they came to a road sign after quite some wandering and somehow found themselves in Stokenchurch...and outside the Fleur De Lis the 16th century pub famous for it's party nights (got to love Google)...not waking up to the fact they'd gone south not north but they were sleep deprived and hungry.... and wouldn't you know it tonight was the Karaoke night....and Fido it seems wanted to go in.....once inside he ran straight to the stage and wanted to sing and what did he choose to sing..........

"How much is that Doggy in the Window"

The crowd went wild, clapping and cheering Fido. When you're dealing with a creature that's a cross between an Irish Wolfhound and a sabre-tooth tiger, it pays to keep on the right side of it.

Allan decided to swallow his pride, which was just as well as it was the only thing that he had eaten in the last couple of days.

He leaned over to the barman and whispered "Can you give me directions to Melton Mowbray, please?"

"Easy" said the barman "You go left from here then straight onto Oxford road...go north on there until.." "Don't go breaking my heart" OH was yelling into the karaoke ..."Then it's west until you see signs for Silverstone circuit. when you get there ask for local directions but whatever you do don't..."....."I couldn't if I tried......" oh shut up thought Allan as Rik joined in the yelling......."now where's that dog.."

Fido was playfully gnawing on a bone.

Unfortunately the bone was still attached to the arm of the only person who didn't cheer Fido's rendition, and I do mean rend, of this classic children's song.

Pausing only to throw a saddle on Fido's back, Allan grabbed his wife and told her that they were heading to Melton Mowbray.

The voices in his head gave one almighty cheer.

What he had managed to keep from them was that there is also Melton Mowbray in Tasmania

Fido; being a smart police dog; knew this little-known fact too....."No way I'm carrying these two to the UK one let alone Tasmania one".....it'll be a cold day in Hell before that happens he giggled to himself with a devilish grin and he reared up knocking them both off into OH copious bag. Then picking up the handles he was off to......

..........deposit them at the nearest coach station.

He'd be rid of them then.
They could go wherever they wanted and he'd be free to make a friendly call to the butcher, who he knew sold excellent meat.
OK he had no money, but the bones which were in a special bin would keep him happy for an hour or two.

As they neared the coach station...........

'Two singles to Melton Mowbray, please,' said Allan, 'And what time does the coach leave?

'Ah!' replied the booking clerk, ' there'll be some delay as the overnight coach was held up by Dick Turpin'

'He must be a strong man. I usually use axle stands' riposted Allan

The clerk sighed, 'Dick Turpin the Highway man! And when the coach does arrive the horses have to be changed. Could be a day's delay at least'

Allan groaned inwardly and wondered what would happen next

Obviously inside OH copious bag was some sort of time warp.....Dick Turpin!!...anyway.....at Stokenchurch there isn't a coach station you just wait at the bus stop for the National Express which will take you to Oxford on the 737 :-)......having spoken from inside the bag Allan peered out to see who was talking to him....and saw a monkey...he looked around to find the human with him...."What you looking for Dick Turpin? You'll never see him"....Allan popped his head back in the bag "Umm sweetie you know this trip couldn't get any weirder......well......pop your head out of the bag and introduce yourself".....OH popped her head out of the bag and the monkey said.....

'Have you seen the organ grinder?'

OH was taken aback, what the heck was happening? Talking Fido, talking monkey, and all the time hiding in a copious bag.

'Deep breaths' OH thought to herself 'this is just getting too silly for words.'

Realising she was taking all the oxygen out of the bag and poor Allan was turning blue, they both stuck their heads out of the bag and inhaled sharply.

It was then, and only then, that they realised.....

That there lurking at the bottom of OH's space dimensionally challenging bag was a...….pork pie.

All their trails and tribulations had been unnecessary, all their adventures in vain.

They set to with a will, which, judging by the age of the pie, may just be required sometime in the not so distant future

"You know what this is missing?" Allan asked OH...."a good pickled onion and a pint of cider"
"Are you kidding me?" said the Monkey "It's obvious what's missing here....."
"Oh really?" said Allan he always liked a good monkey puzzle so he started to think "Is it mustard?"
"Nope"
"salad?"
"Nope....it's black pudding"

Allan suddenly liked the monkey......until....

he realised he would have to go back a couple of pages to find out where he left the black pudding.

Making an executive decision Allan decided that traipsing back for the black pudding would be fruitless. And as we all know, there is no fruit at all in black pudding, only blood, oh hang on, this is breakfast time, we all know what it is black pudding, and we do not need to list the ingredients.

No, a side order of gherkins would give the piquancy that the rather stale pork pie deserved. Now, to find a chippy that would sell said gherkin.....

Allan remembered chippies from the days of his youth, but wasn't so sure of their cuisine nowadays.
He'd even heard of some cooking batter around various sweet bars.

..........Not at all like the newspaper wrapped bags of chips after a Saturday matinee.

No, he needed an old-fashioned type of establishment, with large jars on the counter.

..........Ah, this looks the sort of place....... There are certainly jars of 'something' on show..........

The door bell tinkled as Allan entered the shop. It was dimly lit, with only an eerie green light highlighting the bottles on the shelves.

A wizen old man appeared from behind the counter. He has pince-nez glasses on the end of his nose, long white hair hanging to his shoulders, and an exotic silk kimono jacket hung from his bony shoulders.

'Good afternoon young sir, what can I do for you? said the old man.

Allan looked behind him, to see who he was talking to. Realising he meant Allan himself, Allan ventured further into the shop.

Strange and colourful jars were around the shelves, nothing looking like gherkins at all. 'That one looks like a snake' thought Allan, curiously scanning the shelves.

One particular jar caught Allan eye, it contained......

coconuts!!

"Wonder if they throw in a nice young lady if you buy some?" Allan thought....

Then he spotted it...hidden behind all the other strange contents.....a real life pickled egg...he hadn't seen one of those for a while....now Allan was expecting a normal pickled egg but this one was a Century egg....."yuck" thought Allan "I'm not trying that where's Rik when you want him".....and as if by magic.....

..was seen to have his arms around Allan’s OH. He was holding her up.... she really shouldn’t,t have eaten her share of the old pork pie!

That was what Allan's wife thought, as she threw up all over Ricks patent leather shoes.

Allan's wife had had rather a lot of practice at this and could now hit a target five metres away with her projectile vomiting.

Rick looked down at his shoes in disgust; after all he'd done for Allan's wife this is how she repaid him.

Pausing only to prop her against the nearest wall, he walked out of her life forever

Well, well, well, thought Allan.

Rick's gone, now all I have to do is get this monkey of my back.

Life was beginning return to what passes for normal in the Mortimer household

As if !!

As all parents know once one person is sick everyone else joins in, before you know it the Monkey had phoned for an ambulance.
Once at the hospital the usual questions were asked including any foreign travel....well obviously yes they were on their hols right now.....next thing Allan knew they were in insolation until......