General Chat

Hmmmm Staffynot......very bad taste....some members have had relatives in accidents and won't find that amusing in the least.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying ba---rd told you I was speeding too?

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it for me Sir." :-D

There was this cowpoke in the touristy cowboy town and a lady tourist comes up to an old timer cowboy buys him a drink, and asks if he is a real cowboy.
well ma'am I guess I am what you could call a real cowboy, 'Ive been herding cows all my life, I've lived with 'em, slept along side of them, branded 'em and sold them on for as long as I can remember..even rustled some .....so yes ma'am i guess I am what you might say is a real cowboy.........

you know she said I think of women that way,Every waking moment I think of women, sexy women, and some not so sexy, I even dream of women at times, I am a lesbian,I've been a lesbian a long time now.......and .finishing her drink she says have a nice day, and off she goes,

A few days later another lady comes along and asks him if he's a real cowboy.....

Well ma'am he says all my life I thought that I was a real cowboy, but lately I'm beginning to think that I was a lesbian all these years

Actually re: the fox hat joke

everyone knows where Los Angeles is.......even mummy

it was " I'm going to the Whittlesey straw bear fair"
(which for the unenlightened is in Cambridgeshire)

and
it should be 'Where the Fox's 'at'

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have rumpy pumpy with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have rumpy pumpy with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have rumpy pumpy with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have rumpy pumpy with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers bottom rumpy pumpy. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud rumpy pumpy. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

The fog was swirling over the great River Thames as a young tramp
settled himself on the embankment for the night.

Suddenly he was roused by a gentle voice and, looking up he saw a
beautifullady alighting from her chauffeur-driven Limousine.

"My poor man," she said, "you must be terribly cold and wet. Let me drive
you to my home and put you up for the night."

Of course, the tramp didn't refuse this invitation and climbed into the
car beside her.

After a short drive the car stopped before a large Belgravia Mansion and
the lady stepped out, beckoning the tramp to follow her. The door was
opened by the butler, into whose charge the lady gave the tramp, with
instructions that he should be given a meal, a bath and a comfortable bed
in the guest's room.

Some while later, as the lady was preparing to retire, it occurred to her
that her guest might be in need of something, so slipping on her negligee,
she hurried to the guest room and saw a chink of light from under the
door,indicating that the young man was awake.

Knocking softly on the door, she entered the room and enquired of the
young man why he was not sleeping.

"Surely you're not hungry?"

"Oh no, your butler fed me royally."

"Then perhaps your bed is not comfortable?"

"But it is soft and warm."

"Then you must need company. Move over a little....."

The young man, overjoyed, moved over....

And he fell into the river....... :-D

The doorbell rang and when I opened the door I found my mother-in-law on the front step.

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course you can." And shut the door.
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A little boy runs into the Women's changing rooms where they are all naked.
The women shriek in horror.

"What" says the little boy, "haven't you seen a small boy before?".

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same type of plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, the
little plane couldn't handle the weight and eventually went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick "Any idea
where we are?"
Mick looked around and replied, "I think we're pretty close to where
we crashed last year."

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

A guy walks into a bar but is stopped by the bouncer. "I'm sorry,
I can't let you in without a tie."

The guy goes back to his car and looks for a tie, but all he can
find is a set of jumper cables. So he ties the jumper cables
around his neck and heads back to the bar.

The bouncer looks him over and says, "I'm going to let you in. But
don't start anything."

People quite often say to me, "BK, how did you become so good at poaching?"
And I just stand there, on my huge pile of pheasants and shout down "I'm just on top of my game." :-D
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar".
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Steve McQueen..................." :-D

:-D :-D :-D Im pinching some of these

I am so pleased lol :-)


Every time I leave my house, I'm followed by a bird with long legs.
I think I'm being storked. :-D

It took a while but I get the Fox Hat joke now :-D

In breaking news - Parliament was sealed off today while police chased an escaped lunatic.

One officer said "It was like looking for a needle in a haystack." :-D
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Just seen a sign outside B&Q saying, "Stainless Steel Sinks"

Bit obvious I thought... :-D

Susan10146857 I could not possibly explain the joke to a lady such as you on here, might I suggest you phone a friend on this one. :-)

what the fox do you mean?

:-D

Prince Charles makes a royal visit to Los Angeles. The mayor and other bigwigs are at the airport to greet him. The royal jet touches down and Charles gets out wearing the wierdest looking hat they've ever seen - it's made from a dead furry animal, with little legs hanging down at each corner and a tail in the back.

Everyone is too polite to mention the hat, so they welcome him to Los Angeles and give him a tour. That night there's a big reception at the mayor's house. Charlie is still wearing the hat. The wine flows freely, and eventually the mayor plucks up his courage and says: "By the way, your royal majesty, that's a very unusual hat."

Charlie replies: "Yes, it is rather fetching, isn't it. Last night one said to Mama, 'I say, Mummykins, one shall be visiting Los Angeles tomorrow, what should one wear?' She replied: 'Los Angeles? Wear the fox hat.'"


I don't get it :-(