General Chat

a tourist is driving around ireland when he comes to a ford in the river
there is a local sitting on the fence nearby so he asks him how deep the water is

oh no more than 4 or 5 inches the local replies so the tourist drives in and before he knew it the water was pouring in through his open windows
he yells at the local i thought you said only 4 or 5 inches

i dont understand that the local says


"it only comes halfway up the ducks"

Yes...groan lol :-)

is it permissable to groan at that one?

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake. struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this, went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd.

The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

:-D

lololol

There but for.......

At one of the better clubs in London, a young man comes up to an older one
and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm told you were with the India Regiments
during the great days of the British Empire. I've always been fascinated
by that period. Would you mind chatting with me about it for a bit?"

The older man huffs a bit and replies, "Really damned decent of at least
some of you youngsters to take in interest in what we old duffers have to
say. What would you like to know?"

"Well, sir, perhaps you could tell me the most exciting thing that ever
happened to you."

"The most exciting thing, eh. I suppose that would be the time I got
separated from my regiment in the Khyber Pass and had to go on foot in
search of them. About the third day, I came around a bend in the trail to
come face to face at close range with huge tiger. Just as I saw him, he
reared on his hind legs and went 'RROWWWR!!' By Jove, I fouled my
britches!"

"I would too, sir, if I were suddenly faced by a tiger like that."

"No, no. Not then, just now when I went RROWWWR!"

PMSL Mr BK

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So, at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you.."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's £3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

.............Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.."I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, the Pastor interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten q-q-q-quid---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?" :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D :-D

Bloke working for a building firm had to load his van every day with stuff and got the wheelbarrows contents checked by security at the gate and passed off out as ok..........he worked there for some time, and the security guard was suspicious that the guy was on the thieve,and watched him like a hawk, but every day all the stuff he took out was checked and ok'd.
eventually the job finished and a year or so later the ex security guard and the driver met up in the pub, as you do and got into conversation, he said listen it doesn't matter now I'm not in that job any more, I KNOW you were nicking stuff but I never sussed you out, were you nicking? yes says the driver,,,,,,I was,

well put me out of my misery, all the stuff checked out, what WAS it?






Wheelbarrows..........

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

It was a lie to get out of a speeding fine. Methinks yours was hitting a nerve after the incident in London recently.

The problem with any joke thread is sometimes an individual finds a joke offensive but the majority move on...sometimes a joke just seems highly inappropriate to many for a valid reason & then it is best to remove it for the good of the thread as a whole.

You have put some great jokes on :-D

Yeaaaaaaah lol :D

Benifits of Being an Athiest


A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

fessing up here - I reported your posting StaffyKnot - just not on that one :-S

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s-x when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £30 for s-x." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £35..."

bet this gets whooshed!!!!

> Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
>
> "Of course I won't laugh,"said the nurse. " I'm a professional.
> In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
>
> "Okay then,"said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
> the smallest
> male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost
> identical to a AAA battery.
>
> Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
> but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that
> she was laughing.
> Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed
> herself as well as she could.
>
> " I am so sorry," she said.. " I don't know what came over me. On my
> honour as a nurse and a lady,
>
> I promise That won't happen again." Now, tell me, what seems to be the
> problem?"
>
> " It's swollen," Bill replied.
>
> She ran out of the room.

StaffyKnot While you have added some good jokes, can you please remove the joke you added 14 Jun 2013 11:29. With what has happened of late it does seem inappropriate.
TBK

I agree with Susan.

As soon as I read that I felt very uncomfortable.