General Chat

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE :-D :-D

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin Wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this :-D

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,

pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
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Once upon a slime, a girl ghoul fell in love with a mummy. Alas, the
girl ghoul did not know much about the proper care of mummies, and in
a couple of weeks the mummy began to unravel and disintegrated. Which
just goes to prove that a ghoul and her mummy are soon parted.

Then the ghoul fell in love with a little devil, who turned out to be
a loving and generous sweetheart. The little devil showered the girl
ghoul with bright flowers, high-fashion clothes, and expensive
jewelry. Which just goes to prove that demons are a ghoul's best fiend.

PMSL

Ed Miliband was visiting an agricultural show and had his photograph taken with some prize pigs. He told the reporter the didn't want any smart-arse, cheapskate remarks under the picture. The reporter promised to be right to the point.

The next day Ed opens the paper and sees his picture. Underneath it the words "Ed Miliband (3rd from the left) vists Royal Show!" :-D

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

I liked this little one in the DM

I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before I met her. :-D

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children,
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, start talking .... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"


WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them…They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

in the pub..........

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be wanting another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?' asked O"Flaherty

:-D

A woman was screaming at her husband...

"LEAVE!! Get out of this house!"

As he was walking out the door she yelled

"I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He replied...... "So now you want me to stay?"

:-D

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(OK - I'll get me coat)

A mother could hear her son in the other room, doing his maths homework..
" Six and twelve plus thirteen, and the son of a bitch is twenty seven"
"four times four is sixteen plus another four makes the son of a bitch twenty"
she listened for a while and so it went on, "The son of a bitch is..........."
appalled at this she went to the school and complained to the Maths teacher about the inapropriate mathematical language her son was using, and after repeating what her son had been saying, the teacher laughed and said...

"we'll have to have a few words with him over that...........what he is supposed to be saying is"............ " The Sum of which is"....................

I came downstairs this morning to find the wife in the garden sprinkling icing sugar and planting miniature Union Jacks onto small heaps of dirt. Women,always making mountains out of mole hills. :-D :-D

A father was reading his son the story of Lot in the Bible. He explained that Lot was told to take his wife and flee from the city, but his wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. The little boy looked aghast. "What happened to the flea?" he asked.

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees
the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna! do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with
about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

Yesterday I went to the optician's, walked up to the counter and said to the guy on duty, "I think my eyes are going."

He said, "They've gone mate - this is Burger King."

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag,
puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "Feck dat. Dis budgiejumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag
and throws himself over the Edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean
Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper
bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - Feck that Lads. "First der was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean
Og and his fe_k'n hengliding!" :-D :-D

An Indian goes to the doctors and says "doctor, doctor; sometimes I think I'm a teepee & other times I think I'm a wigwam".
The doctor replies "your problem is your two tents".
:-D

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.
I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet God."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

Persephone I like that one. :-D



Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing
standing up.

Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the
news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

So Goldberg goes to the Meyerwitz unit and knocks on the door.
Mrs Meyerwitz yells from behind the door what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home. He needs more money.""

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg :-D