General Chat

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have rumpy pumpy with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have rumpy pumpy with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have rumpy pumpy with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have rumpy pumpy with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers bottom rumpy pumpy. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud rumpy pumpy. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Actually re: the fox hat joke

everyone knows where Los Angeles is.......even mummy

it was " I'm going to the Whittlesey straw bear fair"
(which for the unenlightened is in Cambridgeshire)

and
it should be 'Where the Fox's 'at'

There was this cowpoke in the touristy cowboy town and a lady tourist comes up to an old timer cowboy buys him a drink, and asks if he is a real cowboy.
well ma'am I guess I am what you could call a real cowboy, 'Ive been herding cows all my life, I've lived with 'em, slept along side of them, branded 'em and sold them on for as long as I can remember..even rustled some .....so yes ma'am i guess I am what you might say is a real cowboy.........

you know she said I think of women that way,Every waking moment I think of women, sexy women, and some not so sexy, I even dream of women at times, I am a lesbian,I've been a lesbian a long time now.......and .finishing her drink she says have a nice day, and off she goes,

A few days later another lady comes along and asks him if he's a real cowboy.....

Well ma'am he says all my life I thought that I was a real cowboy, but lately I'm beginning to think that I was a lesbian all these years

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it for me Sir." :-D

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying ba---rd told you I was speeding too?

Hmmmm Staffynot......very bad taste....some members have had relatives in accidents and won't find that amusing in the least.

I agree with Susan.

As soon as I read that I felt very uncomfortable.

StaffyKnot While you have added some good jokes, can you please remove the joke you added 14 Jun 2013 11:29. With what has happened of late it does seem inappropriate.
TBK

bet this gets whooshed!!!!

> Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
>
> "Of course I won't laugh,"said the nurse. " I'm a professional.
> In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
>
> "Okay then,"said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
> the smallest
> male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost
> identical to a AAA battery.
>
> Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
> but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that
> she was laughing.
> Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed
> herself as well as she could.
>
> " I am so sorry," she said.. " I don't know what came over me. On my
> honour as a nurse and a lady,
>
> I promise That won't happen again." Now, tell me, what seems to be the
> problem?"
>
> " It's swollen," Bill replied.
>
> She ran out of the room.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s-x when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £30 for s-x." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £35..."

fessing up here - I reported your posting StaffyKnot - just not on that one :-S

Benifits of Being an Athiest


A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Yeaaaaaaah lol :D

It was a lie to get out of a speeding fine. Methinks yours was hitting a nerve after the incident in London recently.

The problem with any joke thread is sometimes an individual finds a joke offensive but the majority move on...sometimes a joke just seems highly inappropriate to many for a valid reason & then it is best to remove it for the good of the thread as a whole.

You have put some great jokes on :-D

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Bloke working for a building firm had to load his van every day with stuff and got the wheelbarrows contents checked by security at the gate and passed off out as ok..........he worked there for some time, and the security guard was suspicious that the guy was on the thieve,and watched him like a hawk, but every day all the stuff he took out was checked and ok'd.
eventually the job finished and a year or so later the ex security guard and the driver met up in the pub, as you do and got into conversation, he said listen it doesn't matter now I'm not in that job any more, I KNOW you were nicking stuff but I never sussed you out, were you nicking? yes says the driver,,,,,,I was,

well put me out of my misery, all the stuff checked out, what WAS it?






Wheelbarrows..........

:-D :-D :-D :-D

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So, at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you.."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's £3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

.............Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.."I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, the Pastor interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten q-q-q-quid---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?" :-D :-D

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

PMSL Mr BK