General Chat

Good morning :-)


Lol@ Tabitha. Good one! :-D :-D


Miserable day - storytime.

One Sunday morning during service, the large congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns. One of the men shouted, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are." Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. Out of the large number there only remained around 20.

The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said, “Okay Vicar, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!”

And the two men turned and walked out.


Cx :-)

By the way - one more for you joke book - Cynthia

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yes , well , this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, but let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check."

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah,

"Dunno really", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark instead."

Good morning :-)

Lovely to see you again Tabitha - glad you have enjoyed the posts. Take care. <3

Miserable weather - story week!

Two little frogs were playing leapfrog in a barn and both wound up jumping into the farmer’s milk can. They swam around having fun for a little while, and then they tried to jump out. When they realized they were too far from the top and couldn't jump out, they kept swimming.

After what seemed like an eternity, one little frog grew tired and weak. All seemed hopeless, and he slowly went under, a few bubbles rose to the top, and he sank to the bottom.

The second little frog kept paddling and paddling and memories from his life passed before his eyes when he recalled his old preacher, Rev. Toad quoting Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

That gave him a boost. His little legs started paddling a little bit harder. Time passed, and nothing seemed to change until he noticed the milk was getting thicker. He started praying as his tired legs paddled a little harder. The more he paddled, the thicker the milk became until it turned into butter, and he could stand on the firm surface and jump out.

The moral of this story is “Just keep swimming.” Do not give up and sink to the bottom. When we think we are too tired, God knows how much strength we have left. Hang in there.

Cx :-)

Good morning all
When I need cheering up or support I can rely on this thread to do it.

Hope you OH is on the mend Vera & everyone is keeping well.

We feel blessed to have celebrated our 25th Wedding anniversary in June, just the two of us & had a lovely meal out, as 2nd time around for us both, Our Auntie & Uncle celebrate their 74th wedding anniversary this week. I don't always post but keep an eye on you all to see how things are. Things are ticking along, could be better but just thankful we are all well.

Best laugh I have had in a few weeks, its a really tonic. Hopefully the weather will be brighter but we did need the rain for our gardens.

Keep up the good work Cynthia. <3

Good morning :-)

On a miserable day like today, who doesn't appreciate a good story?

Story week

A Christian wrote a letter to the Editor of the local newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.

"I've gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and, in that time, I have heard something like 3,000 sermons but, for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time … and the clergy are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.”

This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column, much to the delight of the Editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: “I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. but for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me strength. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today.”

That pretty much ended the discussion!

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)




The Collect (special prayer) for today:
Almighty Lord and everlasting God,
we beseech you to direct, sanctify and govern
both our hearts and bodies
in the ways of your laws
and the works of your commandments;
that through your most mighty protection, both here and ever,
we may be preserved in body and soul;
through our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,
who is alive and reigns with you,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever. Amen.


The Gospel reading from Matthew 13, tells the story of the Mustard Seed.

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)

Vera, I join with kandj in wishing your husband well. You must be thankful that despite missing the family gathering, he is recovering slowly. Please give him my love and I am glad he is feeling better. Take care of yourself and have another laugh today. <3


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, “Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”

“I'm very pleased to meet you,” replies the nun. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I'm the fish friar.” She turned to the other Brother and says “Then you must be…?”

“Yes, you guessed it… I'm the chip monk.”

Psalm 126:2: “We were filled with laughter, and we sang for joy. And the other nations said, ‘What amazing things the Lord has done for them.’” :-)

Cx :-)

Thank you for your concern kandj. It is much appreciated. OH is improving gradually and I am sure he will be back to his old self in a few days. The organisation of the NHS might be in trouble but I am more than grateful to the wonderful staff and their God-given talents.

Sleep well tonight everyone. God bless

Hello all

Cynthia, thank you for the funny postings.

Laughter is indeed the best medicine for sure.

Vera, I'm so sorry that your OH is unwell and you both have to miss the family gathering in Yorkshire.
I hope he will pick up soon. You're having a bad time lately, so I hope things get better very soon.

:-D :-D :-D Lots of smiles this week and just what I needed. As the old saying goes laughter is the best medicine.

Without going into all the details our tale of woe continues. We are supposed to be on our way to Yorkshire to our son's where there is a big family gathering tomorrow (between 40 and 50 are expected) but OH became quite poorly yesterday evening and eventually I rang NHS111 who organized an ambulance. It arrived fairly quickly with paramedics on board and they stayed for over 2 hours. It was decided that OH didn't need hospitalising at that stage and thankfully he does seem a little better this morning. What would we all do without these wonderful medical people? We have a lot to be grateful for.

Worry over OH, disappointment at not seeing family as planned and having had no sleep at all last night meant I was quite down this morning; then I turned to this thread and laughed out loud at today's "funnies". Thank you Cynthia

Good morning :-)

Again, sometimes the old ones..................................... :-D


Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the vicar.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Genesis 21:6
Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”


Cx :-)

Good morning :-)

There are various types of humour......some are tongue-in-cheek!

6 TIDBITS YOU NEED TO KNOW::

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat well. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Proverbs 17. 22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)

Sometimes, just sometimes, the old ones are the best........

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.

• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Vicar Jack's sermons.

Job 8:21 “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.”

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)

Oh, for heaven's sake Vera.........what a couple of days you have had - you must be exhausted! Hope you manage to have a much calmer week this week bless you. <3


A scientist told God, "We don't need you anymore. We can create life in a test tube".

God said, "Alright, make a man from the dust beneath you."

"Ok," said the scientist, bending down and grabbing a handful of dust.

"Oh no," said God, " you have to. make your own dust!"


Psalm 126:2 “Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for them.’”

Cx :-)

Another interesting week about the seeds we can and should sew but so often don't.

I started the day with a rueful smile as I can really relate to today's post :-) It was good to start the week with a smile as I am very happy to wave goodbye to last week. In the space of two days, amongst other problems, we sustained considerable damage to our car while at a funeral, I lost a large filling from a tooth, we got lost, I had to put a complaint in to a hotel we were staying at which I hate doing, and the iron blew up and set light to the cardigan I was wearing. But we are still here unharmed and can laugh about it now and for that we are thankful.

Wishing you all a calmer week than that.

Good morning :-)


My doctor told me that I need to work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day:

JUMP to conclusions
CLIMB the walls
DRAG my heels
PUSH my luck
MAKE mountains out of molehills
BEND over backwards
RUN around in circles
PUT my foot in my mouth
BEAT around the bush
FLY off the handle
SKIP a meal
And CRAWL into bed

By the time I do all of that, I don't have the time or energy to do anything else !! Starting the day with a good laugh or at least a smile is a wonderful thing – thank you God.

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)


The Collect (special prayer for today)
Lord of all power and might,
the author and giver of all good things:
graft in our hearts the love of your name,
increase in us true religion,
nourish us with all goodness,
and of your great mercy keep us in the same;
through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord,
who is alive and reigns with you,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever.
Amen.

The Gospel reading continues with the theme of the Sower and how we are to respond.

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)

The Parable of the Sower.......and us.


Lord Jesus, make me a planter of seeds of hope.
Where there is discord, let me plant compassion.
Where there is loneliness, let me plant companionship.
Where there is anxiety, let me plant comfort.
May the seeds I plant with your guidance and grace
Grow to be a sheltering tree, one providing the hope
That comes from following you.
Amen.


Cx :-)

Good morning :-)


The Parable of the Sower...........and us.

The Sower and the Seed
by Josprel

A sower sowed a seed one day,
Along life's road, a weary way,
The seed of hope, of God's deep love,
Of unseen things, of Christ above,
Of Christ's salvation, strong and true,
His sacrifice for me and you,
This seed was sown one happy day,
The sower sowed, then went his way.

A sower sowed a seed one day,
He sowed the seed, but did not stay,
The seed did grow, not strong and true,
for without food, no growth came through.
The strength was used to fight the weed,
No man was there to see its need,
A sower sowed a seed one day
He sowed the seed, but did not stay.

A sower sowed a seed one day,
He sowed the seed, but did not pray,
The seed, it grew, but sad to say,
Was choked by weeds, what great dismay!
Know sowers all, that we must pray,
For all the seeds we sow each day,
That sowers true, who cannot stay,
Are yet responsible to pray.

Cx :-)

Good morning :-)

The Parable of the Sower and the seeds
.
This hymn is donkey’s years old, but it just about says everything to do with us planting seeds.

Bringing in the Sheaves

Sowing in the morning, sowing seeds of kindness,
Sowing in the noontide and the dewy eve;
Waiting for the harvest, and the time of reaping,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

Refrain
Bringing in the sheaves,
Bringing in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing,
Bringing in the sheaves;
Bringing in the sheaves,
Bringing in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing,
Bringing in the sheaves.

Sowing in the sunshine, sowing in the shadows,
Fearing neither clouds nor winter's chilling breeze;
By and by the harvest, and the labor ended,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.
Refrain

Going forth with weeping, sowing for the Master,
Though the loss sustained our spirit often grieves;
When our weeping's over, He will bid us welcome,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.
Refrain

https://youtu.be/pdStyVROvIM

Cx :-)