General Chat

Good afternoon dear Friends,

I am esconsed on the chaise longue once again, freshly bathed and in my silk night attire. Please look away you menfolk, I do not let male eyes stray onto my bedjacket. Tutty tut.

How lovely to be back home in the house where I have lived since I was a gel. And dear Pat-rish-aaaaah and Cherry made a great fuss of me, which is always appreciated.

Dear George and Francine with dear little Valentine were at the Station to greet the train, and whisked me away in a private ambulance.

I gave the hospital bill to dear Cherry to forward a cheque, but she said they could Whistle Dixie! Does that mean that the imminant arrival of cousin Ruby and Marmaduke? Shudders.

I have been away too long, and have all manner of duties to perform, but............my original task of Agony Aunt will take to the fore.

Now, I do believe we have a newcomer in our midst, dear Lesley. Cutlery is indeed a problem. We have to have it, but good quality utensils are such a joy to behold. Now, teaspoons. It really depends if you are right or left handed dear. I presume you have a cutlery drawer that is three appatures running from top to 3/4 ways down, and one running from side to side.

If you are right handed it should be fork, knife, dessert spoons and the teaspoons at the bottom, with the handle to the right. Left handed, knife, fork, dessert spoon, with the teaspoons at the bottom with the handle to the left. Simple is it not? Now sisters are another thing alllllltogether! Just because you share the same parents does not make you the same. If she insists on interferring with your implements, simply do not invite her again. [Smooths down bed jacket, with a self satisfied smile on face]

Now Allan, I do believe you are teasing me dear. We know each other of old........Moll Flanders indeed. Tuts. As you may remember I was only in India until I was 10 years old. When Papa was transferred back to Blighty from India, where he worked in the British Embassy out there. The only person who put me 'through my paces' was one of the guards there, who used to 'drill' all the children as part of a game. Do you remember the film with Shirley Temple and Mr BoJangles marching along? That was based on our games in the Embassy Courtyard. Oh Allan, you do make me smile, as Mr Bennett said to Miss Elizabeth, to paraphrase, how sad it is if we cannot laught at ourself sometimes............Moll Flanders indeed. Shakes head.

Dear, dear Upsidedown Susan, thank you for your welcome home dear. I shall send you some pine logs down the cyber shute. They are fully dry, they will not smoke, and the smell will remind you of the Old Country.

Shelly my dear, 101 indeed, I think you will find that is slander.........titters behind a lace fan.

Time for my dressing to be changed dears.

See you anon
Auntie Petunia

Dear All,

I am afraid that my Great Aunt has been at the smelling salts again which were safely gathered from various 'snow' fields at great expense (and let me remind you that there was nothing cheap about my Great Aunt Petunia, apart from her reputation: but her prices were as high as she was)

The only bossoms to which she is returning are those of her long dead lovers, driven to an early grave by her insatiable appetites and her lack of driving prowess.

My Aunt is most welcome to join us in the outback of Western Australia if she is willing to share the dunny with a lovely family of redbacks.

Please respond on the backs of used postage stamps.

Kind Regards

I believe that one or more persons are impersonating my Great Aunt to relieve her of her imaginary fortune.

But let me warn you all, family love is stronger (Ok some members of the family have misinterpreted that phrase) and I take full responsibility for Great Aunt Petunia, but not if it involves any financial commitment

#Picture a long white, souless ward, nurses in large white head attire move quietly in and around the beds, not talking to their patients unless to ask their names.............their sole reply to questions is 'non'.#

Well, my dears, what a to do. Remind me NEVER to adjudicate on the Tour de France again. All was going so swimmingly until that rogue cyclist ran into the crowd. We all fell onto each other, and that Trident went up into the air, and fell down on me.................I shant say where, but I have been laying on my stomach ever since.

I feel very upset that dear Georgianna and Octavia have both left with their dear husbands, but apparently there is some rule here, that unless you have someone of kinship to collect you, you cannot go. I cannot understand what has happened to dear Pat-trish-aaaaah or indeed dear Cherry. They were at Motie Towers last time I knew............where are they? I want to go home [sobs] it is so unfair...............blows loudly in a rough cotton hankerchief.

Oh dear, here comes the Avenging Angel Sister La Farge. What a woman she is.................tall, angular, probably knows her job............but very rough indeed.

She is summoning some porters with a trolley and indicating to me. Now as you know I am fluent in Francais, but this dialect has me flummoxed.

They are man-handling me onto this trolley, and I hear words like Gard de Nord, oh please, please tell me I am going home.................

Home, what a wonderful word, I feel like Scarlett O'Hara when she is trying to reach Tara, I would scoop up a handful of soil if there were any to hand......

Ooooh we are bumping along the corridor now, my chin is black and blue..........now into the ambulance with the siren wailing, yes, yes, dears I feel I am going home.

Home to dear Motie Towers, home to Pat-trish-aaaaah, home to Cherry, home to my dear little garden, and my friends.............

Our of the ambulance, and into the guards carriage of the Euro-train..............hurrah!

I am SO pleased to be returning to the boooooosum of my friends of family, no doubt there will be LOTS to do, answering lots of lovely questions, doing good works, and wreaking havoc around North London.

The engine is starting up, I am on my way.....................


Pip Pip
Auntie Petunia

Hello dear CC,

I knew I could rely on yourself or dear Teresa to step up to the plate, as it were, and 'help' Petunia.

I have concerns re the 'bill' for Petunia's care as I know that you have a deep distrust of those governmental departments........

Still, as long as you get Petunia home, the powers that be can sing for their 'supper'. I do think they will all be rather busy for the next few weeks, being seen in all the right places? ;-).

Now , I hear on the radio, that your weather is finally coming right and you are in fact sweltering in the heat? Oh dear, from one extreme to another.
I trust the weather will stay agreeable for the duration of 'those' games.

Perhaps Petunia will be unable to carry out her official duties ( thank the you know who, but don't tell her I said so). One recent disaster is quite enough for the moment.

Will you be returning to the Towers to oversee Petunia's recovery?

Do keep us posted dear, we shall be agog for the details.

I shall keep a look out for Teresa and all our new visitors. How delightful to be back in Motie land :-D.

Toodle pip for now, I have to throw another log on the fire :-|, tis winter here and don't we feel it....

Susan

To:
Nursing Sister Le Farge
Napoleon Bonapart Hospital
Paris

Dear Sister,
I am writing to you regarding your patient Miss Petunia Mortimer. Her friends in England have been most concerned as she disappeared off the face of the Earth for a short while and we had no idea of her whereabouts. The silence was quite deafening.

It is with great relief we learn she is being taken care of at your hospital, and I trust she has not been any trouble or disruptive to the ward at large. Please put her into an automobile, ask le driver to take her to the Gare de Yergob, and see her into the Eurotunnel. I will arrange to have dear Petunia collected when the Eurotrain reaches its destination.

Please send the bill for Miss Mortimer's care to Monsieur le Health Minister for England & Wales
c/o The Houses of Parliament.

Merci chere Souer
signed,
Madame de Melting Fat aka CC

Hello Lesley,

Oh blimey, do you think your sister needs a new life? Wrong way indeed...

Alan, I am sure you have the wrong Petunia :-D

Shelley, do you think the bump on Petunia's head has caused her to tell a wee white lie?? ;-)

Dear Sister,

What a shock to read of Petunia's most unfortunate accident. She is indeed known to quite a few, why those two ladies taken home by their husbands are indeed her dear friends. I suggest you telephone one or other of them and demand they return for Petunia, or do you not consider them responsible enough ?

As I live a fair old distance from Blighty, I am unable to accept responbsibility for Petunia. There are however a Miss CC and a Miss Teresa who may be able to help you. Petunia is of some means and Miss CC has been a recent house guest of Petunia's. She may be your best bet. I am sure she will make contact with you in the very near future.

Would you please pass a message on to Petunia for me? Thank you.

Please advise Petunia that we have all be concerned not to have heard form her and trust her to get into strife. You are no doubt aware by now, that Petunia is a 'lady' and expects to be treated as such.
Good luck Sister :-D.

Sincerely,
Susan NZ :-)

Dear Auntie Motie

How dare you make light of the unfortunate accident which befell my great Aunt Petunia.

And as to referring to her as Miss!.... Scandalous!!

I have a copy of her marriage certificate among my private papers. Admittedly the original name has been crossed out and my Great Aunt's name written over the top, but she did initial it: I have to assume that the Registrar who filled out the original certificate must have been confused.

As far as I know I am the only legitimate next of kin of poor Aunt Petunia, but of course, as in all families, there are rumours and certain whispered conversations when younger members of the family visit.

Aunt Petunia led a very active life which can be vouched for by several Officers who served in India during the time she was there (and, if the rumours are true, so could several platoons of squadies!)

What I can't understand is what she was doing in France when we, the family, thought that she was safely, and securely, esconced in the Sir Forence Nightingake Home for the Permanently Bewildered.

Could you please forward her purse and money to me. You may keep her clothes to defray any expenses. This should cover your costs unless of course her dress is already defrayed.

She never did look after her clothes. She was not fashion conscious, which considering she was out of her clothes more than she was in them this was not a major social consideration.

I believe that her nickname among her male and female acquaintances was Moll Flanders. If you could shed any light on the origin of this name I would much appreciate it.

Aunt Petunia has never had to rely on any form of Social Security to sustain her in her twilight years. Her mere remark about publishing her memoirs has always ensured a large cheque from one or other of her many gentleman friends with a letter begging her not to.

Quite interesting really!

Regards

Allan Mortimer

Auntie Motie

you tell fibs your 101 rember :-D :-D :-D

Dear MotownGal.

Recently I had my eldest sister stay with me and she had a problem with the way I put my teaspoons in the cutlery draw, apparently I put them in the wrong way.

Can you please HELP me is there is a right or wrong way to put spoons in a draw also what should I have said to my sister. :-(

Unique that is me!

There is only one of you,
There is only one of me,
For you are so very young my dears,
and I am 93.

Please let me be your Agony Aunt dears, I shall answer your queries with good common sense, and hopefully a little humour..........


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THE LONDON EVENING NEWS.

The Tour de France was spectacularly won by Bradley Wiggins, but unfortunately a little reported accident blighted the festivities.

One the Rue de Madeleine, three elderly ladies were timekeeping along with Le Devil, who was encouraging the riders on their way.

One rider lost his balance and rode straight into the crowd, and scattered the ladies and le Devil like nine-pins.

The Devil lost his balance, his trident went up into the air, and landed in the bustle of a Miss Petunia Mortimer. She lurches forward and hit her companion Lady Georgianna Mainwaring, whose corset burst and a bone shot up and lodged itself in her nasal cavity. She in turn bumped into Mrs Octavia Thatcher, who put out her hand to steady herself, and a spoke from said bicycle impaled into her hand. All three ladies were taken away to hospital.

Lady Mainwaring and Mrs Thatcher have been discharged and taken home by their husbands. Unfortunately Miss Mortimer has yet to be released into the care of a responsible adult.

Can anyone throw any light on this dear lady? Does she have any next of kin? If you have any information please contact the following:-

Nursing Sister Le Farge
Napoleon Bonapart Hospital
Paris