General Chat

Dear gels, you find me sitting in a darkened room.

Mortified Mortimer that is me!

Well the morning started off really well, the tuk-tuk was driven along the quayside, and Pat-trish-aaaah and I were piped aboard the Battleship. My but it was big, and grey!!!!!

The Captain was a lovely fellow, he was wearing his best uniform, as we were VIP's for the day. I did notice that Pat-trish-aaaaah was carrying a carpet bag, but she is such a sickly creature, I presumed she was carrying all her medications. You name it, she either applies it, sniffs it, inhales it, smears it, inserts it, or combs it through.........................no square inch of skin is not taken care of!!!!

The luncheon was wonderful gels, a little 1970's I might say, Prawn Cocktail, Steak and Chips, with Taramasu to follow. The gentleman drank white wine, but as you know I am teetotal, I brought along my elderflower cordial.

We were just discussing the finer points of how we could raise funds for the children when a huge cheer went up! We peered through the porthole onto the deck.

The ships company were all assembled, in the middle of the deck was a woman prancing around. Who is that hussy I said to myself. Three guesses? Of course you are right in one!!!

The sight of Pat-trish-aaaaah in fishnet tights is an image that will live with me for a long, long time. As you know she is a lumpy creature at the best of times, and pale, deathly pale. Those cellulite legs in those tights cannot be described. Have you every seen curds and whey being strained through a cloth, then you will have some idea of what it looked like. Great lumps of white flesh squeezing through the fishnet.

Did I not tell you she bought some attire from Ann Winters a few months ago? Yes the bodice and thong came into play. She laced herself so tightly, she was spilling over everywhere. And the wig!!!!! You are right Cherry, I think she has been on a popular shopping channel. Long, black and curly, it was a sight to behold.

And then the music started.........................along the deck she pranced, shaking her wig, and girating at all the sailors. Winking her eyes, and blowing kisses. Please I thought to myself, just make it end.

But no................onto the gun turret she clambered. I thought the full moon had appeared..............and incidently, when did she have those eyes tattooed onto her buttocks?

Sitting astride the gun, she was singing at the top of her voice and throwing her arms around with gay abandon!

And then it happened..................she slipped off the gun, and onto the deck. Luckily she has enough padding in herself, as to make her bounce. And bounce she did, straight over the side.

Lifeboats were lowered, and eventually she was rescued. The Captain suggested she was taken below, but I insisted she was taken to hospital for observation..............anything to get her off the ship.

And so here I am, sitting in a side ward, with Pat-trish-aaaaah snoring away. I think I shall leave soon, and book myself into the Oliday Hinn again. I am in need of an evening of relaxation with a good book.

Good night Gels
Auntie Petunia

cooeee one and all.

Auntie FTE and FTY are both children of a sailor :0) can they have a christmas gift from you fund. It will save their Mama a lot of money. FTY is requesting
another devils x box game and FTE needs some clothes sent to Antigua (this is a true) !!!!! Dont even ask????????

Orff now to prepare for paid toil tomorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~ to Lesley and Cherry and Susan


Teresa

Dear Lesley, I thank you for the rhyme
and hope composing it didnt take too much time.
You have so many new duties of late
Which is course is a Grandmama's fate.
Lots of hugs are sent to Baby E
From all us Motettes, especially me :-)

I never let my children go out bothering the neighbours for trick or treat either, and now I'm getting old I really resent the interruption to my evenings. Its not like its a traditional British custom. What makes it worse, is when the teens start and if they don't get anything they throw eggs and flour at the door and windows - this happened to my mother. If fact they got such a bombardment, and my sisters car was damaged as well, and they had to call the police out.

*

Petunia dear you had better dose Pat rish aaaah up with some bromide. I have seen that video of Cher with the sailors and the big gun ..... she was wearing nothing but legs and black stockings, as she gyrated around the decks of the ship !! The sailors looked mightily pleased with the whole affair. I wouldnt be surprised to learn that Pat rish aaaah buys herself a long black curly wig and a pair of tights, before the end of the day. I blame the Windsor Chapter, myself, she has never been the same since that experience.

CC

Good morning dears,

Now there seems to be some misunderstand here dears, I was not delivering the pizzas. Oh dear no, far too low below my dignity. I was merely observing the general merriment when said pizzas arrived. Tutty tut.

We are up bright and early, as we are to inspect the Battleship and have luncheon with the Captain. I must say I have dressed in his honour.

I have a navy blue ensemble with my bonnet set at a jaunty angle. I shall give the lads the once over and then onto luncheon, and discuss how we can raise funds for the children of the sailors, to give them a jolly Christmas Party. Now that is what I do best!

Can someone please tell me what is going through Pat-trish-aaaah's mind?

She keeps talking about a lady singer called Cher.......................visiting a battle ship in a video for a popular beat synchopated song................singing amongst the sailors.................and sitting astride a gun?

Please dont tell me...................................

Dreading it will be a long, long day..............

Auntie Petunia

Good Evening Ladies

Last evening passed again without incident :-D in 22 years of dwelling in our abode we have never had a knock at the door by children or adults doing trick or treat :-D and being a wicked mama I have never taken our fruits out doing this ritual :-(

Teresa now a gal can never have to many clothes or shoes :-D

CC. Welcome home, welcome
Come on in, and close the door
You've been gone, too long
Welcome, you're home once more
Sing along everyone :-D

Can I ask Susan what is a pinky bar? :-S

Now I appreciate you enjoy your charity work Auntie Petunia but a pizza delivery operative :-0 please tell me this isn't true :-(

ah well, you see, Susan, that was another of my little jokes. No way would I open the door on a dark night ... not even to MFH !! :-) The reality was that the children round here seem to accept that The Grinch lives at our house, and no one came to the door at all.

It's still Thursday night here .... and a very cold damp one. I am really feeling the chill at the moment cos the central heating has switched off (its timer controlled). I think we will have to extend the timer setting ..... and watch the bills go up. Sigh.

It's a wild and wicked rumour started by the porage manufacturers that porage helps reduce cholesterol. At any rate - it didnt work for me. I've been taking cyder vinegar in water or fruit juice, to bring my chol levels down. There was a lady on here who said it works for her - she went from over 7point to under 5point in six months. I currently take the cyder vinegar in organic apple juice. I read a newspaper article recently which said that cyder vinegar is also good for other "ailments". And for those ladies who inconveniently feel The Urge - a tea spoon of bicarb in a glass of water each morning helps control that problem.

*

Petunia dear will you please come back home. You will get a bad reputation, hanging around docks while handing out boxes of pizza. You might as well say "Hello Sailor" and hoist your mainsails.

I prefer Smoke On The Water as performed by Rolf Harris. And his version of Stairway To Heaven is brilliant. In fact, anything Rolf does is OK with me :-)

CC

CC, if it were Christmas you might be mistaken for the grinch ;-). Apples, what a good idea. I am surprised so many children accepted an apple. Good for them.

I had to eat two small pinky bars last night as we had no late callers... A 'small' chocolate bar really is not much use to me :-D

What a hoot getting pizzza's delivered to a ship :-D... Teresa, do FTE and her fellow crewpersons get fed the same tucker as the passengers?. Or a scaled down version? If it is Monday it must be ******, type of thing?

Petunia dear, don't embarrass FTE in front of her new friends :-D.
Porridge is supposed to be very good for ones cholesterol.... I have been told I have high cholesterol and should go on medication. No way Jose'... Oats will help the cause..

Tis Friday again already, my how the weeks are flying by. We are in for a bit of rain over the weekend it would seem...

Have a pleasant weekend ladies,
Susan

Did you know I was like that Sally person on tv dears? I must have second sight, at least one and a half!!

Good evening dears, I am speaking from the harbour at Southampton, I am more used to Portsmouth, and the Spinnaker building, but Southampton seems very nice in the evening hue.

I can see a gaggle of young gels and gents, sitting merrily eating pizza. Could that be they? dear Teresa?

They are all laughing and having a jolly good time dear, I can see they are all well brought up young people, so letting of a little steam after their hard endeavours, who can blame them? I think you should not fret dear.

Ah the guitar, I think I told you my tale of woe did I not? Once you have heard Smoke on Water for the millionth time, you tire of it a little. Especially of the head banging that goes along with it!

I shall be staying in Southampton tonight dears, I have an inspection tomorrow. I am having luncheon with a Captain of a certain battleship that is in dock.

Lord alone knows how I shall contain Pat-trish-aaaaah with all those jolly jack tars, but a muzzle springs to mind!

Aye Aye shipmates
Auntie Petunia

On the twelfth night of Halloween
My true love gave to me...
Twelve pumpkins grinning,
Eleven witches brewing,
Ten spiders spinning,
Nine monsters howling,
Eight vampires biting,
Seven doors a-creaking,
Six ghosts a-haunting,
Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,
Four hooting owls,
Three black cats,
Two flying bats,
And a vulture in a dead tree!

How to discourage the neighbourhood brats from ringing your bell:

Shut the dog in the lobby with the letterbox propped open

have a bucket of cold water suspended from the guttering with a pulley rope

hang a skeleton outside your front door with a sign saying "guess what happened to the last kid who knocked here

rig the door bell to the electricity supply

stand by the door with a crazy wig on, as the brats ring your bell open the door and scream Aaaaargghhhhhh!

wear a white sheet stained with ketchup (for blood) and yank the door open as the bell is rung and bellow “what the hell do you want”.

Like most people with their own front door, on Halloween Night I was up and down the hallway each time the bell rang, so I got plenty of exercise.

I’d bought two Value bags of apples from the local greengrocers for the dear little Trick ‘n’ Treaters, and a bag of walnuts for myself.

The first child came alone, I was surprised to see such a little mite out alone in the dark so I checked there were adults nearby. The child demanded a Treat with menaces so I handed over an apple and a few pennies. Then two small children came. I handed over two apples and a few pennies. Then three children came to the door. Then four …. Ok you get the picture, the word had gotten round I was an easy touch. Soon I had no apples or pennies left.

Then shortly before bedtime, the bell rang again. I opened the door to find a huge hulking shape wearing a miserable monster face, carrying a bulging bag clearly full of goodies. All I had left was a few walnuts. I duly handed these over saying “All my apples are gone, so it’s nuts to you”.

It was a case of mistaken identity. My husband now insists he WAS smiling, and he couldn’t help it if he’d left his doorkeys at his mother’s house, and the bulging bag contained the weeks groceries from SainsCo.

CC

Auntie dear,

I have borrowed a book from the lending library and it is called The Thrift Book. It is a great source of saving money especially where food is concerned :-D I shall send it down the cyber hatch for a couple of weeks. It may come in handy :-D

We also have a glut of chocolate for the little trick or treaters did not arrive last night on the doorstep. It was a little difficult in negotiating the large black wheels bin and medium size green one. Maybe they just couldn't get by them for Tursdays are bin days in our parts.

I have had communication from FTE. She is on English shores but tonight they set sale to the Caribbean. She is very excited and is having a good time. Targets have been met and the shelves are decked and they are awaiting of a pizza delivery. Yes you heard right. A famous pizza delivery company were winging takeaway pizza to the pizza starved staff of the high seas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aunts best you hot foot it to Southampton now and install a bit of decorum into them. I have also been sent the address of the ship to send some clothes to FTE. She packed her whole wardrobe and more so goodness only knows what she has missing
:-S

Off now to remove FTY from the devils x box. He has guitar lesson soon and need to twang a few cords before his teacher arrives . His teacher is a music student, younger than FTE :-D


Toddle pip for now


Teresa

Good morning Ladies,

What a stormy night, the rain lashed, the wind blew, and my pathway is covered in leaves. I shall get Pat-trish-aaaah out there straight away..................

Ah Cherry, what time did you arrive home? The first I knew of it was when I went to the pantry last night, and found most of the food gone!!!!!!!! However, welcome home dear.

Susan, have you been espying my breakfast, for that is exactly what I have every day. That is what keeps us going dear, is it not?

Pleased your fence is now finished. A question dear, is it for keeping people out, or for keeping you in?

Lesley, I hope your evening past peacefully.

Now excuse me dears, you must have thought me a harridan last night............I did give the little loves Rat Pie. But.......................it was marshmallows with sugar mice underneath. Their little tails hanging out the side of the dish.

I called them all back when they had had the fright of their lives, and they worked their way steadily through the Pie. I hope they were not too sick when they arrived home....................

Another day, another good deed to perform.

Pip Pip Gels
Auntie Petunia

*theatrical gasp, and raises hand to brow*

oh yes it was such an ordeal Susan - pub lunches every day, and dinner at a Carvery or a Harvester .........

It wasnt a pub crawl, honest !! :-)

pmsl
CC
(although I dont think I will be laughing when the credit card bill comes :-S :-( )

Hello CC,

nice to see you back after yet another ordeal..

We only had one knock on the door last night so there is a lot of chocolate for me to eat, though I have a suspicion we may have little visitors tonight.

My fruit has two wrappers at the end of her driveway - yep, from the chocolate bars she gave out :-|. Little beggars, oh to use a 'u' ;-).

I hope the little children Patr ish aaa saw off haven't been scarred for life... One will never know.

How sad, too bad, never mind ;-).

Toodle pip

Susan - full up on porridge, blueberries, strawberries and banana !!

I'm sorry Susan, I'm not ignoring you. Is the fence work finished now? If not, would you like me to send Tommy Walsh over?

Have you got your MOB ensemble together now? Yes that is a lovely dress and you will outshine the Mother of the Groom.

Ah well, we must all knuckle down, and put up with the tail end of Sandy. I feel so sorry for the American people. I dont remember such a serious hurricane hitting New York before, just the snow storms.

CC

oh what can I say - the hospital eventually had to release me. I managed to persuade them using the Sanity Claus. Well, it is nearly Christmas .....

Now ladies please stop clamouring, and I will respond to you all .. one at a time.


Petunia dear I could not find no.69, with lots of wisteria, but there was a number 66 - only the numbers were loose so it looked like house number 99. I rang the bell and the big burly bearded man who came to the door insisted he was not Georgianna and threatened me with his wheelie bin. So I asked him, where had he really been ..... then he threatened me with his trouble and strife.

Fancy traipsing all over Essex searching for me, when I was not there. Mind you, had my Great Great Grandpapa not left The Hedinghams, I might have been an Essex Girl and had some fun in my heyday .....

The tuktuk was impounded by the local council and I think you will find it languishing in a council car park somewhere, I do so hope you dont have to pay £200 to get it back.


Ah Lesley, there you are. I wandered lonely as a (Amazon) cloud, up and down the road, until a police officer who said his name was Constable Landscape felt my collar and said I was rather hot under it. I spent a night in the police cells before being carted off to the hospital.

Nice ditty ....... ! :-)
(*thinks ..... hmmmm, I didnt realise I had a rival ..... this goes from bad to verse ;-) )


Now, Teresa, it must have been someone else in Essex, for it was not me. I can assure you I was not in Frinton. I went to Mersea Island once, a long time ago ..... they refused to stamp my passport.

I do hope your FTE is not having to work too hard on the SS Cruiser, also that the choppy weather is not causing any sea sickness ........ and please tell your FTY to go play Over The Hills And Far Away. Honestly, some House and Garage Music should never be heard in either the house or the garage. Does he take requests? Can he play Hippy Hippy Shake, or Twist And Shout? He is sure gyrating and hollerin' .... !!! ;-)

Height is a funny thing - OH is a veritable giant. His grandpapa was only a little man. His papa stood somewhere inbetween.


We-e-e-elllllllll - as I said, I did not go to Frinton. But I will just say "I've been Everywhere, Man", and I will put put a narrative together with some photographs (if I was successful with the camera, that is) and email it to you, if you would like.

And here I am, home again, just in time for trick or treat. We do not open the door on the night of Samhain. The little devils can buy their own goodies.

CC

Trick or treat, trick or treat, give us something nice to eat?

How about a rat pie?

Those dear little children have been hammering at the door since 4.30pm. Tis Half Term, so the little blighters are roaming the streets with their Mamas.

Should these children not be in bed by this time? Should they not be studying to be good little children? Should they not be somewhere else?

If one more child knocks at the door, I shall send Pat-trish-aaaah to open it in her face pack............

RAT TAT TAT TAT

Pat-trish-aaaaaah go and open the door, there is a dear................

Thank you dear.

Pat-trish-aaaaah ambles to the door, hair in curlers wearing a face pack. Opens door.

Three little children run screaming..........................................

Chuckling quietly
Auntie Petunia

Tonight is Halloween :-(,

We have never celebrated Halloween, but NZ seems to be taking on this day now...

I have weakened and bought a few chocolate bars for any callers....

My fruit is fuming, she just had a young lad knock, wearing a balaclava... Trick ot treat or breaking and entering? :-D.

If we don't get any callers, guess who is going to be eating chocolate ;-). It is a tough job but someone has to do it......

CC will be back with a tale or two, no doubt. Lesley, nice poem...

Hello Petunia, :-( I cheated with the curry.... "Thanks Pataks" ;-).. I do sometimes make a couple of raita's and purchase naan bread to accompany our 'curry'. Some time ago, I went to the local Indian restaurant and purchased two naan bread.... I think the man behind the counter was less than pleased with my order... Tough, I say. I prefer Thai but we don't have a Thai here in the back of beyond..

Today while out shopping, I spotted those lovely segmented orange chocolate thingymajingys.... I must return to the shop and purchase some for C.......S ( don't want to say the word). Must confess though, that day is already in my head. Tomorrow is November 1st, the year is flying by it would seem. :-S.

Better get on, OH will be home soon and looking for his dinner :-).

Toodle pip,

Susan

I seek her here I seek her there

I seek our Cherry Crumble everywhere

I could not see her in Frinton

Drinking tea from her Minton

All shops searched that sell junk

Thinking I may see her on the arm of a hunk

Where ever you be on land or at sea

Here's wishing you well our CC x