General Chat

Blusters onto thread with great mirth and merriment.............................

Do you know ladies, I have found the answer to my prayers, and I am jolly pleased with myself.

I went to a Costumiers Sales today, in the West End. Just for a little peruse around. When an auctioneer appeared, and began a sale of old film props.

I bid on the hat worn by the lady in the Gainsborough Films. I shall wear that next Sunday to church. Now that Lent is over, I can go gay again.

Then the answer to my chilly problem. An overcoat worn by a certain Mr Cole in the St Trinian films, when he was Flash Arry.

It is full of pockets inside where Arry used to stash his wonga and ill gotton gains. But..................it is just perfect for hot water bottles and hand warmers.

So dears, I am lovely and warm, and really, really tickety boo.

#Younger than Springtime am I.....................gayer than laughter am I#


Purring with warmth
Auntie Petunia

good afternoon ladies, here I am, at last. Dont all groan at once.

no I didnt scour the newspapers Petunia dear, I merely copied all the April Fool reports over the last few years so its easy enough to copy and paste each new April Fools Day. So now all this information really is at the tips of my fingers.

If there is a flea circus without fleas, the owner could do no better than check Tricki Woo .......... :-D ;-)

*glares at Susan* I heard what you've been saying about me behind my back. There is a mole in Motie Towers. Your dear doggie is merely doing what little doggies do. Be patient, he will grow out of it. Eventually. ;-)

Get well soon Lesley :-)

Dons green gown and mask, and washes vigorously with anti-bac wash.

Good evening Lesley, I am sorry you are still poorly sick. I still have my cough even after all this time. This cold weather is doing no-one any good. Tutty tut.

Dear Upsidedown Susan, you must be exhausted. You have had a very busy couple of weeks. Plus all the organising takes it out of one. I hope you are not still running around after the Pup. Puppies poop unfortunately, but that is nature. They also dig, scratch and chew..........................................Great!!!!!

No sign of dear Cherry today. She too must be exhausted with all her April Fools declarations. She must have scoured the newspapers.

I saw one of Text, about a flea circus that had been wiped out by the cold. The owner was searching for new fleas..............................

Teresa dear, are you being overwhelmed with sickly people? This cold snap has caused many old folk to end up in hospital. So sad.

You say your fruit may soon be home? Tell her to bring some sunshine with her. That would be lovely. Just to feel the warmth of the sun on ones skin....................


Pip Pip dears, back to the fire
Auntie Petunia

Get well soon Lesley :-) :-)

A Belated Happy Easter Ladies.

Just when I thought I was over the worst of the cold/virus bing bang wallop it came back and knocked me for six again, I guess I did to much to soon. :-(


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To everyone.

Lesley shivering in the Essex sunshine x

Oh lordy, I is knackered after that lot CC, whatever was in your 'scratch and sniff' has 'messed' with you big time.....
How can one gal be such a font of rambl...err , knowledge.. :-).

You are a tonic, that is for sure... Now as I was reading through, I thought of a photo I could send you, but I have forgotten already :-D.

~~~~~ to Petunia and the absent Teresa and Lesley.

Now ladies, I have a pup in disgrace :-|. My fruit told me recently of the pups efforts - at her own place - to start digging a swimming pool.... Mercy, the pup has decided we need a pool too :-S. The first time she has deigned to dig here. I must admit my first reaction was 'shock', then I giggled. Not sure that my OH will giggle when he sees the hole in the morning...... Two nights to go and then pup is orf to her own place and back into her kennel :-D.

Tis nearly 8.15pm and OH is not home yet. I shant be waiting for him for dinner.. I am just away to cook a bit of fish, the homemade fries are done, homemade coleslaw in the fridge... I love cabbage, hope the cabbage loves me :-D.

Night night :-)

*hastily checks clock* well it isnt midnight yet ...... !!

I hear there is a new and exclusive '50 Shades of Grey' toilet paper (Each ‘shade’ has been named after Christian Grey’s traits, from ‘enigmatic’ to ‘obsessive’).

It shapes our lives, governs our behaviour and keeps the Earth on an even keel. Now a new book poses the mind-boggling question: WHO BUILT THE MOON?

Owls are being used to deliver internal post in an animal sanctuary. I know this is true because I was told so by my dear friend Nesta Vowles.

A certain impoverished member of the Royal Family is offering the Belgian Suite of Buckingham Palace for £10,000 per night for one week from 1 April.

And finally - barcodes will replace numbers on the sides of trains, so trainspotters can simply photograph it with a barcode reader on their smartphone. Aah, the wonders of modern technology .... :-D

oh a cup of tea ..... how kind of you Petunia. Did you make the tea with your own fair delicate hands or order Mrs Berry to provide? Whatever, a lovely cup of tea is a life saver for I have had a busy day and am now all aches and pains :--(. *slurp* And a chance to sit down for half an hour ..... *sighs*

I believe that Buckingham Palace are going to start a bed & breakfast business, to help HM maintain Windsor Castle in the manner to which she would like to be accustomed. Or was it the other way around ..... no, because Windsor is her home so it must be Buck Pal.

Crickey I am exhausted by your ramb............erm................................declarations dear Cherry.

However, I am well aware of the date.

Well done dear. You have excelled yourself.

Have a cup of Earl Grey and a Gipsy Cream.


Whooooo!

MORE BREAKING Win ... err.. I mean BREAKING NEWS:

There is a wonderful new gadget for taking the pith out of citrus fruit !!!

The Treacle Mines are going to be re-opened !!! previous negotiations had hit a sticky patch but it has now all been smoothed over.

Does anyone want to sign up for the next Haggis Hunt scheduled for 1st April at Balmoral?

New members joining on April 1st will get a Free Bonus day, meaning that new members actually get 366 days for their 365 days subscription.

The GRO office will be issuing birth marriage and death certificates free of charge for one day on April 1st. This was previously planned for implementation on February 30th but the heavy snowfall across the region meant staff could not get into work.

Where can I buy a Spaghetti tree?

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Due to traffic congestion on our motorways at peak traffic times, the Dept of Traffic Cones are trialling a new system, for one day only on April 1st. Motorists will have to drive clockwise round the M25 for 3 days a week and anti clockwise for the rest of the week.

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RAF Night Time low flying base....ESSEX
The RAF are to move their low flying training squadron to Essex in four weeks time. The planes, all supersonic jets including the Harrier, Eurofighter and Tornado, will all practice nightly for the next 2 years running up to 3 sorties a night. The base will reopen a disused WW2 airstrip on the outskirts of Essex. The local topography of the area is suitable for a long term exercise such as this.
The MOD spokesman Captain Windrush commented “with the current globally unstable climate we need to be able to fly fast and low in any condition, the selected location in Essex is a perfect training area and suits us well.” Residents of the area are up in arms as the noise pollution will be immense. A recent study by the Berlin University of Psychology has published known side effects of such bases; these include: Sleep Deprivation, Crazed Wife Syndrome, Souring of milk, and Tinnitus.
The MOD recognises the initial acclimatisation will be tricky and have offered free ear plugs to anyone who lives within 20 miles of the base. Captain Windrush mentioned that 'there is not a great deal they can do about the reverberations that shake the houses like an earthquake as they pass over head at 800 feet moving at 700 knots”. He mentioned that it might be useful to fit bed edge guards to stop people being shaken out of bed during the night, he suggests residents should tuck their blankets in firmly under the mattress, and it might be worth checking all pictures are securely fixed to the walls.

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It is rumoured the drought in Northern Italy, brought about because of the failure of Roman Viaducts, is causing a lack of water to the spaghetti fields, which at this vital time in the growing cycle could lead to a 50% loss of this valuable crop. The Italian Government have now decreed this a STATE of EMERGENCY and are rushing troops with watering cans to the affected areas to try and save the Spaghetti crop.

Spaghetti farmers believe the Alpha Beti variety will be worst affected but the Ministry for Food states that only the letters W, A, T, E and R of the Alphus Beta seed will be detrimentally affected by the lack of liquid at this stage.

For those epicureans who cannot do without their Spaghetti, research has shown that an Alternative Spaghetti can be obtained from taking the pith out of the Macaroni plant.

All major supermarkets have issued a joint statement, assuring parents that they have ample stocks of Alphabet Spaghetti and there is no need to horde tins. However, tins will be restricted to 4 tins person, until more stock is delivered from the Italian Warehouse. PLEASE KEEP CALM IN THIS CRISIS

The US President is rumoured to have Troops in place in the Mediterranean ready to 'Assist Italy to protect this vital resource'. He said that unless Spaghetti is supplied people will eat more noodles, thus raising China's power in World Politics.

Wildlife conservations and Environmentalists are very concerned about the fate of the Lirpa Loof if the spaghetti crop fails, because these rare creatures only feed on spaghetti crops.
LIRPA LOOF
def:
LIRPA LOOF (Aprilis absurdus)
Small herbivorous quadruped mammalian crop pest; native to Italy; feeds almost exclusively on the spaghetti leaves.

BMW has created a unique way to personalise its vehicles depending on your political views. BMW’s innovative Political Roundel Attachment Tag (PRAT) is a highly stylised limited edition accessory of the BMW product portfolio and comes available in the colours of all major UK parties.

Uwe Beanhadde, Head of Made-up Technology at BMW’s renowned Forschungs und Innovationszentrum in Munich, said: “We have been working on this innovation for a number of years and see it as a niche we’ve yet to expand into. One of the most popular features sure to strike a cord with the floating voter is that the roundel can also be replaced in a matter of seconds should the opposition suddenly feel more appealing”.

News of the PRAT accessory comes swiftly after boffins at BMW offered other award winning innovations such as Canine Repellant Alloy Protection that stopped dogs relieving themselves on your nice wheels, Magnetic Tow Technology, the ultimate in tailgating tech, and BMW Instant Messaging which let owners really know what they thought of other road users.

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Virgin Media today revealed the secret weapon behind its super-fast broadband - ferrets. The broadband expert has been using specially trained ferrets to investigate, assess and support its cable network for one year. On the eve of this unique anniversary, Virgin Media is announcing the news with an iconic photo shoot using some of its leading ferret workers. These unusual engineers not only assist in searching out the best places to fibre optic cable, but also wear jackets fitted with a special microchip able to analyse any breaks or damage in the underground network. Jack D. Ladd, director of broadband for Virgin Media says: "For hundreds of years, ferrets have helped humans in various jobs. Our decision to use them is due to their strong nesting instinct , their long, lean build and inquisitive nature, and for their ability to get down holes. We initially kept the trial low-key as we wanted to asses how well the ferrets fitted into our operations before revealing this enterprising scheme!"

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A new miracle shirt which eliminates body odour is to be launched on April 1st. The tagline reads: "Had your confidence crushed by odour? Getting into a sweat about smelly T-shirts? Worry no more! With Miracle Shirt you'll be invading personal space like never before." It says its breakthrough G.U.F.F technology is responsible for the fabric's odour eating powers. Visit www.miracleshirt.co.uk to find out more.

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Stars of BBC1's 25-year-old show EastEnders will appear on limited edition 20 and 50 pound notes, the Bank of England has revealed. A print run of 250,000 of the sure-to-be collector's items will enter circulation in May, nationwide.

EastEnders, which celebrated its 25th year throughout 2010, screened a live episode in February to mark 25 years to the day since the first episode aired. Show producers agreed to let viewers pick which characters will appear on the currency in a UK poll and have confirmed that the selection will include characters from 1985 right up to the current cast.

Peggy Mitchell is considered one of the most popular characters, but armed robber Phil Mitchell could be staring back at you when you next draw cash from the hole-in-the-wall.
(Thanks to our reporter Lil Rapfoo for the tip.)

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The AA are going to start doing a Wheel Air Drop by helicopter for all lorry drivers stranded on the M25 with flat tyres and no spare wheels. A spokesperson has announced that it is taking too long for an AA Man to reach a stranded lorry driver by road, so this Air Drop is going to be adopted on April 1st for one day only, to get lorry drivers rolling again asap.

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In line with the current Green policy of this government and its commitment to recycling, and reduction in global warming, it is proposed to introduce a Capital Grass Tax (CGT) in London and the Home Counties, and other major cities across the United Kingdom.

To see how this could best be implemented, preliminary trials are to be conducted in your area within the next month. An Area Lawns Inspector will be calling at your property (please ask for identification to ensure you do not admit bogus callers) to inspect your grass. Your lawn will be measured and assessed accordingly.

It is proposed to implement the new CGT at a starting rate of £5 per square foot. This is to be supplemented by an extra £1 per inch of grass height for those residents who do not cut their grass. The Government plans to draft in Turf Accountants who will visit residents once a month to count the blades of grass and check the ongoing lawn size and grass growth to ensure that no resident pays more than is necessary. However, it is proposed to sell special-issue CGT green grass recycling sacks (£15.00 for 10), and residents who cut their grass regularly will be given a 25p rebate per full green sack of grass cuttings returned to the Grass Cuttings Recycling Centre (GCRC) – location to be advised but it is planned to operate a GCRC in every street.

If you would like to nominate any part of your house or garden as a GCRC please notify your local MP. Your name will be entered into a prize draw - the first prize is the latest state-of-the-art Odour-Free Self-Emptying Garden Composter.

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A Lawnmower Licensing System will be implemented from 1 April next, and all householders with lawnmowers will be required to register ownership. Garden centers and all other retailers selling lawnmowers will be registering details of all lawnmower purchases, with immediate effect.

The license has been set at £120 per annum. From the end of next month, officials from the Lawnmower Licensing Office will be in your area visiting householders to inspect garages and garden sheds to establish who is in possession of a lawnmower. You have until the end of April this year to register your lawnmower with your local authority.

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Low Calorie Mineral Water
Guaranteed to help with weight loss if taking a calorie controlled diet. The product is on special offer, buy one get one three. Don’t delay - if you are worried about your weight get down to your nearest supermarket and stock up with Weight-Rose Low Calorie Mineral Water.

London Underground is in talks with the European Organisation for Nuclear Research (Cern) about the possibility of using the 23km tunnel of the Circle Line to house a new type of particle accelerator similar to the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.

Particle physicists believe the existing tunnel can be adapted to take a small-scale "atom smasher" alongside the passenger line at a fraction of the cost of building a new tunnel elsewhere in Europe. They are understood to have approached London Underground with a view to announcing a feasibility study later this year.

Specialist engineers commissioned by Cern have already produced a preliminary report, seen by The Independent, which proposes installing supercooled magnets and collision detectors at strategic positions on the Circle Line. The main collision experiment will be sited at the newly refurbished Westminster Station, directly below Portcullis House, the offices of more than 200 MPs.

Although there are still considerable technical problems to overcome, such as a geo-magnetic "kink" in the circuitry at Edgware Road station, Cern is quietly confident that it will be able to convince London Underground of the merits of the scheme, which should result in the first air-conditioned underground line as a spin-off of installing supercooled magnets below ground.

The idea was initially mooted in the mid-1980s as an alternative site to the 27km tunnel below Geneva but the idea was dropped. Now, with improvements in technology and miniaturisation of the equipment, Cern believes it can build a successor to the Large Hadron Collider within the Circle line by 2020.

It would mean that two beams of protons would be travelling in clockwise and counterclockwise directions at 99.999999 per cent of the speed of light, within feet of Circle line passengers stuck in perpetual immobility.

However, health and safety advisers to London Underground are understood to be concerned about the proposal, and have raised the prospect of a mini black hole being created at Westminster when the two proton beams collide to recreate the conditions of the Big Bang.

Breaking Glass, I mean, Breaking News !!!!!!!!!

Just received from The Office of Statistics
The First of April has been cancelled, for two reasons.
The day after 31st March will be known as the 32nd March for the next THREE years.
The reasons are twofold :
1. to stop all the April Fool jokes, to give the many victims of spoofs a much-needed respite.
2. to extend the year by ONE day, for THREE Years, in order to cancel out the YEARS in which an extra DAY was added and called LEAP YEAR, which will save young men from being proposed to by maidens (young or old)


M42 Junctions 3 to 7B Speed Cameras go live TODAY !!!!!
A new digital automated tracking system between junctions 3 & 7b on the M42 is scheduled to go live just after midnight !!
There are 276 Digital Cameras which have been set to just 2 MPH tolerance!
You will not see any flash and the fine is £600 plus 30 points (which could add to over £2500 a year to your insurance).
This information comes on good authority, from the R.A.C.U. Jimmy.
Take great care if you're travelling on the M42 !


Big Ben is going Digital for 24 hours from midnight !!!


The entire solar system will realign at midnight and temporarily reduce Earth’s gravity on April 1 for 24 hours. If everyone jumps in the air at precisely the right moment, they will ‘float’. Can you defy gravity?


Japanese long distance runner Kimo Nakajimi is still running the 2012 London Marathon, as he mistranslated 25 miles for 25 months. If anyone spots Nakajimi please contact the news desk photographer.


British scientists have finally invented a weather machine to control the UK’s notoriously unreliable climate. This will ensure the sun shines every day, rain falls only at night and every Christmas will be white.


Beware the night-singing tree mouse, the Musendrophilus

oh no, dear Petunia, I was not referring to you at all. The "Gods Creature" who ruffles feathers each time its gob opens is someone else entirely who does not do Good Works like your good self. Perish the thought that I should be casting nasturtiums or pointing fingers at innocent people.

I do not believe for one moment that Titus McGirdle is a big softie underneath. I thought the Big Softie was Mister Whippy.

As promised, here is a shopping list ready for the morning :

One tin of Tartan Paint
One Tin of Black & White striped paint
Starter Kit for Grow Your Own Light Bulbs
Pre-tested Plumb Line
Rose Tinted Glasses
Plastic Coated Sky Hooks
One box of Blue Sparks for the Tenon saw
One box of Orange Sparks for the Electric Drill
One tin of Blue Steam
One tin of Elbow Grease
One biodegradable can of London Fog
Two metres of Pachyderm Trunking
2 lb bag of Nail Holes
Invisible paint
One Eight-Inch Screw
One Dozen Loose Screws
One Chocker Block
Crystal Glass Hammer
Bucket of steam
Long Weight
Long Stand
Left Handed Screw Driver
Bubble for the Spirit Level
One Large Bucket of Patience
Large box of Assorted Holes

One “John Bobbitt” Razor Blade - small size
A matching pair of Fallopian Tubes
One Neck Tourniquet

A large Cod Piece
2 lb Red Herrings, well marinated

One dozen Hens Teeth
1 lb Chicken Lips
2 lbs of Kosher Bacon

Cauliflower Ears
Turnip Heads

Inflatable dartboard
1 dozen Bounces for Tired Ball
Chocolate Teapot
Ashtray for Motor Bikes
Miniature set of Banker’s Scales to balance the household accounts

I think that should keep Pat rish aaaah gainfully occupied for a few hours. :-D :-D ;-) ;-)

Now, who hasnt received their scratch n sniff cards yet? Oh, that many of you. Well so you dont feel left out why not scratch your computer monitor and see what happens ....... ;-) ;-) ;-)

By Jiminy Crickets, its cold. Those children were fair blue with cold by the time they came in from the Grounds, looking for Easter Eggs. Nevertheless they all have had a jolly good time. Lots of exercise, and polishing their eyesight.

Yes, Mr Titus holds a very tight ship, and rules with a rod of iron. Not literally of course..........................he is a big softy under it all.

Who is this one of Gods creatures who ruffles feathers dear? Surely not moi? No I thought not. I do not venture further than this thread, I cannot be embroiled in other threads. This one is more than enough for me.

In fact, I have to scale down my ramblings sometimes. If I was to tell you all the good deeds I have done during the day, it would take four sides of A4. And I would not want to be accused of bragging, that is not my style at all. #preens#

Ishall be having a rest day tomorrow dears. Unless of course, something crops up, which is often the case.

Have a good evening ladies, and keep warm.

Toodle Oodle
Auntie Petunia

I believe that Red Eye in photographs can usually be avoided by avoiding the devils drink for a few years before posing for the photographer ..... ;-D

Naturally, I never imbibe.

We are still very cold here Susan, the sun has been shining over this part of Blighty where I am, but there is still no sign of things getting warm.

What a charming outfit you are wearing this morning Petunia dear. I do declare that no one else in the world has an outfit like that.
*thinks*
"thank goodness".

My youngest offspring used to find fledglings and bring them home, until we discouraged her in case the mama birdie was wondering where her little one had gotten to; and its possible the baby bird would have flown off eventually had it been left alone. I once rescued a pigeon from going under the wheels of a lorry, it was a very split second rescue at that. The bird was stunned from a previous impact with a passing vehicle, and I couldnt leave it to be squashed flat. I know pigeons are classed as flying vermin, but its still one of Gods creatures as are we all.

Speaking of Gods Creatures, Petunia dear can you not muzzle one of them who has the knack of ruffling feathers and putting everyone's backs up every time they open their gob? Some people really want to remember that Least Said is Soonest Mended.

Oh I thought Tricki Woo was a boy dog, but you say "she does her business in the gutter" ..... or did you mean Pat rish aaaaah?

I heard that Syrup of Figs kept one going and assumed it was some kind of restorative. I could do with something to keep me going - that is to say, a restorative.

What a kind gesture on your part, to scatter Easter Eggs and goodness all around the orphanage. But, Little Toby Carvery will only bully all the smaller children into handing over their booty so I dont think you will be receiving much. It doesnt help that the orphanage's Principal, Titus McGirdle, is very cheeseparing. Children learn by example .....

The thought occurs to me - if it has been Lent for a very long time, perhaps you should have held on to it instead of lenting it out.

Good Morning dears. Happy Easter.

Thank you for your flattery dear Upsidedown Susan, it may be misguided as you probably know my eyes are green, but a photograph can be deceptive. I have several of mine whereby my eyes are red!!!

My Papa used to raise canaries, and he too was a sucker for sick birdies. He quite often rescued sickly birds of all kinds from the garden.

Ah yes, the dreaded poop bags. I perambulate around the town with Trickey Woo, and she does her business in the gutter. Do I pick it up? I think not. Why pick it up myself when I have Pat-trish-aaaaah trailing along behind me. She is so much better at it than myself, and has such great big hands, that she can do it with one fell swoop. Whereas myself, I have such dainty little, lilly white digits, they were never meant for muck raking................................................smiles quietly to oneself.

Cherry dear, thank you for your email. The picture did not load properly, but I got the general gist. Thank you dear. What holds you together dear? Good sense and Syrup of Figs. Does it not apply to everyone? Titters.

Now..........................it is the Annual Orphans Easter Egg Hunt today. I scurried from church, such a rousing sermon today. And placed the chocolate eggs around and about the Orphanage. The children will have such a lovely time. I am surprised how many of them there are. Such dear little children, in need of kindness and I am just the person to give it to them. They only have one good deed to do when they collect their eggs. They donate one of their hoard to me. Thereby I am also teaching them, it is good to give, as well as receive. Plus, I get to eat a few Creme eggs at the same time. A good lesson learned all round.

Dont give me those old fashion looks ladies, it has been Lent for a long time, and I am in dire need of chocolate........................

Pip Pip
Auntie Petunia

Yes, cornflower blue is verrrrry fetching on you Petunia, matches your eyes perfectly ( I think), don't think I got that close to you but hey, flattery never hurt ;-).

I am sure those string can telephones didn't work but at least they kept us busy and out of our mamas hair for a bit...

I have eaten too much chocolate and am feeling a bit 'orf'.... I have no sympathy for me - just a queasy tummy...

OH and I have returned from a night away at the beach. The pup had a splendid time frolicking in the waves, running full tilt along the beach and now has put herself to bed, totally pooped :-). She rather fancied a spot on the couch, I think she forgot she wasn't at hers....
My papa had to rescue a seagull off the beach and put it out of the way of two curious dogs. It didn't appear to have wing damage, maybe ill?. Who knows. I hope it survived. Most unusual to get so close to a seagull...
I carried a plastic bag to pick up the 'you know what'..... naughty pup 'went' in the water :-D. Watch where you are stepping if you should happen to visit a shoreline soon :-D... :-S.

OH is watching Rugby :-(. I cannot be bothered with it tonight. Time to hit the hay and catch forty winks.. I shall face the world again tomorrow. Hoping all is well with you and yours :-).

Night night

good afternoon Petunia, I hope you had a rewarding afternoon of Good Works, and purchased a pot of tea (from the Coffee House) for the men who carried the Cross, for it must have been thirsty work.

You have quite remarkable skin, dear. No one else has skin like yours, nor is likely to.

I dont follow Corrie nor its denizens, but I do recall the time that Inspect A Barnaby partook of some cookies that were "laced". Are the hash brownies similarly laced? I believe that is the expression that the Hippy Generation sub culture uses.

Alas, my clothing size has increased so much that I suspect I may now be one of the Hippy Generation. I certainly know how to do the Hip Hop in the middle of the night. But I am not laced, nor in stays either. Truth be told, I'm not sure what holds me together ......... :-S ;-)