General Chat

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Due to traffic congestion on our motorways at peak traffic times, the Dept of Traffic Cones are trialling a new system, for one day only on April 1st. Motorists will have to drive clockwise round the M25 for 3 days a week and anti clockwise for the rest of the week.

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RAF Night Time low flying base....ESSEX
The RAF are to move their low flying training squadron to Essex in four weeks time. The planes, all supersonic jets including the Harrier, Eurofighter and Tornado, will all practice nightly for the next 2 years running up to 3 sorties a night. The base will reopen a disused WW2 airstrip on the outskirts of Essex. The local topography of the area is suitable for a long term exercise such as this.
The MOD spokesman Captain Windrush commented “with the current globally unstable climate we need to be able to fly fast and low in any condition, the selected location in Essex is a perfect training area and suits us well.” Residents of the area are up in arms as the noise pollution will be immense. A recent study by the Berlin University of Psychology has published known side effects of such bases; these include: Sleep Deprivation, Crazed Wife Syndrome, Souring of milk, and Tinnitus.
The MOD recognises the initial acclimatisation will be tricky and have offered free ear plugs to anyone who lives within 20 miles of the base. Captain Windrush mentioned that 'there is not a great deal they can do about the reverberations that shake the houses like an earthquake as they pass over head at 800 feet moving at 700 knots”. He mentioned that it might be useful to fit bed edge guards to stop people being shaken out of bed during the night, he suggests residents should tuck their blankets in firmly under the mattress, and it might be worth checking all pictures are securely fixed to the walls.

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It is rumoured the drought in Northern Italy, brought about because of the failure of Roman Viaducts, is causing a lack of water to the spaghetti fields, which at this vital time in the growing cycle could lead to a 50% loss of this valuable crop. The Italian Government have now decreed this a STATE of EMERGENCY and are rushing troops with watering cans to the affected areas to try and save the Spaghetti crop.

Spaghetti farmers believe the Alpha Beti variety will be worst affected but the Ministry for Food states that only the letters W, A, T, E and R of the Alphus Beta seed will be detrimentally affected by the lack of liquid at this stage.

For those epicureans who cannot do without their Spaghetti, research has shown that an Alternative Spaghetti can be obtained from taking the pith out of the Macaroni plant.

All major supermarkets have issued a joint statement, assuring parents that they have ample stocks of Alphabet Spaghetti and there is no need to horde tins. However, tins will be restricted to 4 tins person, until more stock is delivered from the Italian Warehouse. PLEASE KEEP CALM IN THIS CRISIS

The US President is rumoured to have Troops in place in the Mediterranean ready to 'Assist Italy to protect this vital resource'. He said that unless Spaghetti is supplied people will eat more noodles, thus raising China's power in World Politics.

Wildlife conservations and Environmentalists are very concerned about the fate of the Lirpa Loof if the spaghetti crop fails, because these rare creatures only feed on spaghetti crops.
LIRPA LOOF
def:
LIRPA LOOF (Aprilis absurdus)
Small herbivorous quadruped mammalian crop pest; native to Italy; feeds almost exclusively on the spaghetti leaves.

MORE BREAKING Win ... err.. I mean BREAKING NEWS:

There is a wonderful new gadget for taking the pith out of citrus fruit !!!

The Treacle Mines are going to be re-opened !!! previous negotiations had hit a sticky patch but it has now all been smoothed over.

Does anyone want to sign up for the next Haggis Hunt scheduled for 1st April at Balmoral?

New members joining on April 1st will get a Free Bonus day, meaning that new members actually get 366 days for their 365 days subscription.

The GRO office will be issuing birth marriage and death certificates free of charge for one day on April 1st. This was previously planned for implementation on February 30th but the heavy snowfall across the region meant staff could not get into work.

Where can I buy a Spaghetti tree?

Crickey I am exhausted by your ramb............erm................................declarations dear Cherry.

However, I am well aware of the date.

Well done dear. You have excelled yourself.

Have a cup of Earl Grey and a Gipsy Cream.


Whooooo!

oh a cup of tea ..... how kind of you Petunia. Did you make the tea with your own fair delicate hands or order Mrs Berry to provide? Whatever, a lovely cup of tea is a life saver for I have had a busy day and am now all aches and pains :--(. *slurp* And a chance to sit down for half an hour ..... *sighs*

I believe that Buckingham Palace are going to start a bed & breakfast business, to help HM maintain Windsor Castle in the manner to which she would like to be accustomed. Or was it the other way around ..... no, because Windsor is her home so it must be Buck Pal.

*hastily checks clock* well it isnt midnight yet ...... !!

I hear there is a new and exclusive '50 Shades of Grey' toilet paper (Each ‘shade’ has been named after Christian Grey’s traits, from ‘enigmatic’ to ‘obsessive’).

It shapes our lives, governs our behaviour and keeps the Earth on an even keel. Now a new book poses the mind-boggling question: WHO BUILT THE MOON?

Owls are being used to deliver internal post in an animal sanctuary. I know this is true because I was told so by my dear friend Nesta Vowles.

A certain impoverished member of the Royal Family is offering the Belgian Suite of Buckingham Palace for £10,000 per night for one week from 1 April.

And finally - barcodes will replace numbers on the sides of trains, so trainspotters can simply photograph it with a barcode reader on their smartphone. Aah, the wonders of modern technology .... :-D

Oh lordy, I is knackered after that lot CC, whatever was in your 'scratch and sniff' has 'messed' with you big time.....
How can one gal be such a font of rambl...err , knowledge.. :-).

You are a tonic, that is for sure... Now as I was reading through, I thought of a photo I could send you, but I have forgotten already :-D.

~~~~~ to Petunia and the absent Teresa and Lesley.

Now ladies, I have a pup in disgrace :-|. My fruit told me recently of the pups efforts - at her own place - to start digging a swimming pool.... Mercy, the pup has decided we need a pool too :-S. The first time she has deigned to dig here. I must admit my first reaction was 'shock', then I giggled. Not sure that my OH will giggle when he sees the hole in the morning...... Two nights to go and then pup is orf to her own place and back into her kennel :-D.

Tis nearly 8.15pm and OH is not home yet. I shant be waiting for him for dinner.. I am just away to cook a bit of fish, the homemade fries are done, homemade coleslaw in the fridge... I love cabbage, hope the cabbage loves me :-D.

Night night :-)

A Belated Happy Easter Ladies.

Just when I thought I was over the worst of the cold/virus bing bang wallop it came back and knocked me for six again, I guess I did to much to soon. :-(


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To everyone.

Lesley shivering in the Essex sunshine x

Get well soon Lesley :-) :-)

Dons green gown and mask, and washes vigorously with anti-bac wash.

Good evening Lesley, I am sorry you are still poorly sick. I still have my cough even after all this time. This cold weather is doing no-one any good. Tutty tut.

Dear Upsidedown Susan, you must be exhausted. You have had a very busy couple of weeks. Plus all the organising takes it out of one. I hope you are not still running around after the Pup. Puppies poop unfortunately, but that is nature. They also dig, scratch and chew..........................................Great!!!!!

No sign of dear Cherry today. She too must be exhausted with all her April Fools declarations. She must have scoured the newspapers.

I saw one of Text, about a flea circus that had been wiped out by the cold. The owner was searching for new fleas..............................

Teresa dear, are you being overwhelmed with sickly people? This cold snap has caused many old folk to end up in hospital. So sad.

You say your fruit may soon be home? Tell her to bring some sunshine with her. That would be lovely. Just to feel the warmth of the sun on ones skin....................


Pip Pip dears, back to the fire
Auntie Petunia

good afternoon ladies, here I am, at last. Dont all groan at once.

no I didnt scour the newspapers Petunia dear, I merely copied all the April Fool reports over the last few years so its easy enough to copy and paste each new April Fools Day. So now all this information really is at the tips of my fingers.

If there is a flea circus without fleas, the owner could do no better than check Tricki Woo .......... :-D ;-)

*glares at Susan* I heard what you've been saying about me behind my back. There is a mole in Motie Towers. Your dear doggie is merely doing what little doggies do. Be patient, he will grow out of it. Eventually. ;-)

Get well soon Lesley :-)

Blusters onto thread with great mirth and merriment.............................

Do you know ladies, I have found the answer to my prayers, and I am jolly pleased with myself.

I went to a Costumiers Sales today, in the West End. Just for a little peruse around. When an auctioneer appeared, and began a sale of old film props.

I bid on the hat worn by the lady in the Gainsborough Films. I shall wear that next Sunday to church. Now that Lent is over, I can go gay again.

Then the answer to my chilly problem. An overcoat worn by a certain Mr Cole in the St Trinian films, when he was Flash Arry.

It is full of pockets inside where Arry used to stash his wonga and ill gotton gains. But..................it is just perfect for hot water bottles and hand warmers.

So dears, I am lovely and warm, and really, really tickety boo.

#Younger than Springtime am I.....................gayer than laughter am I#


Purring with warmth
Auntie Petunia

Hello Ladies.

I hope all in the UK are able to keep themselves warm and dry......................oh dear what cranky weather we are having. :-(

Thank you for your Easter massage CC

Auntie Petunia I hope Teresa doesn't mind me saying but I really couldn't recommend anyone travel any distance to shop in her hilly town.....................................................there isn't anything there :-|

Can anyone answer a question for me please ........................................why does the tissue always end up in the dark wash.:-S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To Susan and Teresa x

*plods into Motie Towers and divests self of Nanook coat with hood, three cardis, two trousers, five pairs of socks, fur lined boots, and six pairs of gloves*

brrrrrrr ..... the central heating is off again ..... MRS BERRY I'M HOME !!! ANY TEA IN THE POT?????

Well its all right for some Petunia dear, I'm so glad to learn you are cosy and warm now, and perish the thought that I should hog your log fire so I will sit and shiver in the corner. We've had more snow today with fine hail mixed in ... sigh ... even the postman who doesnt usually have two words for me and cant even look at me if I'm not dressed when I open the door (although I am always respectably covered in a housecoat) had a grumble about the weather today. I sympathised and suggested he buy a hat. How different things were twelve months ago ....... and they call this Global WARMING ?????

Easter mAssage Lesley? LOL. although it has to be said I am skilled in many hands-on activities :-D .....
washing up the dishes, scrubbing floors, cleaning windows, laundering, general multitasking, and some days I even manage to find five minutes for ME time!!!

The tissue always ends up in the dark wash because someone didnt remember to check all the pockets ..... and that someone wasnt me. ;-) ;-) And its a beggar to get it off isnt it. I usually end up having to launder everything again. And I also find soap powder manages to leave white marks on black clothing and have to redo much of that as well. These things are sent to try us and indeed they do :-S :-S

Ah the tea has arrived, excellent, and bourbon biscuits as well. Heaven !

Good evening Ladies.................#takes the kettle off the Aga and refills bottles, and places them inside a pocket of the Arry coat#

Aaaaah, that is better.

Indeed we did have snow today. It swirled, and fluttered and generally made a blooming nuisance of itself. How horrid.

Aah the tissue saga, one knows of a Mama who always found white socks encased within black socks when she emptied her washing machine. Rendering the white socks grey!!!!! Not attractive.

Your housecoat dear Cherry, did one purchase it from a place in Brentford perchance? They were always being advertised on the tv by dear old Fluff Freeman. I did so love his countdown on a Sunday night.

He loves me Yea, Yea, Yea!!!

Lesley, I am always looking for new places to shop dear. I have been recently to Stratford, Lakeside and Bluewater. But I need a dear little town with individual shops. Mass production is fine, but I want something like myself, unique.

Pass me a cup of cha dear, and a custard creme would be divine.

Dunking delicately
Auntie Petunia

Good upside down morning ladies and peeps,

We have the sun out but the wind is a tad chilly, the powers that be 'forecasters' are predicting 21oC today :-S, rather warm for an April day, let us see if he is correct.

For the last few days, we have had a Bellbird sounding out it's glorious melody each morning. Tis a joy to listen too. The Bellbirds and Tuis visit our Banksia tree. The tree is very old ( thirty years or so) and is looking a little sad. Hope it doesn't turn up its toes or we will lose our feathered visitors.

Why Petunia, you will look very fetching in your old new hat, not sure the coat is the correct match, but hey ho, needs must and warmth is more important than fashion sensibilites :-). One of my blisters wore a hat to the recent nuptials..... all the day and all the night :-(.

CC, you must be related to the Michelin family, the tyre family that is, not the gourmet tribe.... Why you must look positvely anorexic when you 'disrobe'. Talking of biscuits, our supermarket has a rather pitiful 'international' section. Yesterday I noticed a packet of wagon wheel biccies, with a price tag of $5 :-D. I didn't purchase any at that price, in fact I rarely buy biscuits - cause I eat them all :-.D :-D.

~~~~~~ to Lesley and Teresa. Hope you are soon on the mend Lesley, you must be getting fed up with yourself by now.?

The pup has gone home, I wonder if she lasted the night in her kennel - I shall no doubt hear tonight, Fruit and Mr Fruit are coming over for dinner. We are going Indian tonight - thanks Pataks ;-)

Toodle pip

Susan now your talking 21 degrees is just the perfect temperature for me :-)

Oh Stratford for shopping noooooooooooooooo :-0 I only went there once and there was nothing that made me think I would like to return :-\ Auntie Petunia have you tried Camden and Dulwich, my friend raves about both these areas for shopping.

CC I will admit I didn't read all of your April 1st message so you may have included this......................................my MOG told me he had read that if the devils game (which I enjoy) goes into extra time the goal post are going to be widened, as soon as he had repeated what he had read you could see him blushing as he said it's April 1st isn't it :-D :-D :-D

oh pleeeaaazzzzz Petunia dear, surely you dont think I am one of those common ladies. I never wear nylon. Not since I got such a static shock my hair stood on end and all the office computers blinked out and all because I flipped the (shared) printer switch. My housecoat is a quality M&S slinky silk affair that fits where it touches. Unfortunately it makes one resemble the Michelin Man but one cannot have everything can one.

One's first husband once wrongly sorted the laundry and a rather unusual tinge of pink appeared all over the blue and white bedding. On the white side.

Oh yes I remember Fluff Freeman and Pick Of The Pops. It'll be all right on the night, all right. He was Australian, doncha know.

Now dear, do sit down in the corner there where all is peaceful, and I will fetch you a cup of tea. That's right dear. Let me turn off the standard lamp dear. There. The dim light is so flattering to your skin. Is the tea to your taste dear? Do have a Duchy Original .......

Now, you see dear, I have a problem and need some advice. One visited one's first MIL this afternoon and on arrival I removed my coat and threw it on her settee. When leaving, I donned my coat and she told me there was a peg attached to the belt which I leave tied behind my back, it pulls the waistline in a little. She removed the peg and handed it to me. I immediately suspected one's daughter was responsible for a little prank so when I got back home I texted said daughter.

The reason I suspected my daughter is because of something I did when I was a child. My dear Papa used to leave his jacket on the banisters and one day, feeling devilish, as small children are wont to do, I put pegs along the bottom of his jacket, and he walked all the way to work from Stamford Hill to Dalston so attired. This story is well known in the family.

Daughter texted me back to say she didnt know what I was talking about, she hadnt been messing around with any clothes pegs. There were no clothes pegs on MILs settee that could have attached themselves to my coat. I'm sure there was no peg on the coat when I went shopping yesterday, in fact I am sure there was no peg on the coat when I went out today. I dont use pegs, as I throw my laundry over the clothes airer that lives in my kitchen.

So - where the blinky heck did that clothes peg come from???????

Susan I am surprised you arent leaping up and down in jubilation and exuberation ....... I hear that Marmite will soon be restored to the shelves of NZ's supermarkets very soon. The factory is back in production. Apparently your Marmite doesnt taste the same as British marmite, so imports would not have been acceptable.

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No Lesley I didnt know about widening the goal posts but I will be sure to include this in my list ready for next year's victims ....... :-D I hope you are feeling better now.

I went to Stratford once, the East London one not the Avon one, and I didnt actually "go" there, it was more a case of I ended up there by accident. I had caught the train at my local wail-way station intending to go to Liverpool Street - to meet a lady from GR as it happened. While "stargazing" out of the window I realised the train had taken a different direction and we werent headed for Liverpool Street. Panic set in as all the stations we thundered through were far away places with strange sounding names ie not Hackney or Bethnal Green or London Fields. And thus I arrived at Stratford. I wasnt able to pick up a London Underground connection to get me to Liverpool Street so I hobbled back to the main line platforms just as a train was pulling in. I saw a guard leaning out of the carriage window, and asked him where the train was headed for. Liverpool Street, he replied. I hopped on, and was allowed to walk through the first class carriage to get to the hoi polloi coach where I sank into a seat and waited for the palpitations to subside, and I wasnt too late for the rendezvous. I think a temporary new route had been set up for the Olympic Games. I know there is a shopping centre at Stratford, and I have a credit card, but I havent felt brave enough to repeat this experience. :-S :-S

CC I should have said the newish shopping centre in Stratford is not for me:-| Stratford station I believe is know in the top 20 of Britain's busiest stations, or so was said on Pointless :-D

Sorry I can't suggest any reason for a clothes peg attaching itself to your coat :-S I do hope the peg wasn't there when you were out shopping :-(

Flops down on the chaise longue.

Dear oh dear gels. I have been keeping order at the London Meet.

What a gay lot they are. Plenty of laughter I detected.

I shall return when I have had a naice cuppa cha and a bikkie.

Exhausted
Auntie Petunia