General Chat

Unique that is me!

There is only one of you,
There is only one of me,
For you are so very young my dears,
and I am 93.

Please let me be your Agony Aunt dears, I shall answer your queries with good common sense, and hopefully a little humour..........


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THE LONDON EVENING NEWS.

The Tour de France was spectacularly won by Bradley Wiggins, but unfortunately a little reported accident blighted the festivities.

One the Rue de Madeleine, three elderly ladies were timekeeping along with Le Devil, who was encouraging the riders on their way.

One rider lost his balance and rode straight into the crowd, and scattered the ladies and le Devil like nine-pins.

The Devil lost his balance, his trident went up into the air, and landed in the bustle of a Miss Petunia Mortimer. She lurches forward and hit her companion Lady Georgianna Mainwaring, whose corset burst and a bone shot up and lodged itself in her nasal cavity. She in turn bumped into Mrs Octavia Thatcher, who put out her hand to steady herself, and a spoke from said bicycle impaled into her hand. All three ladies were taken away to hospital.

Lady Mainwaring and Mrs Thatcher have been discharged and taken home by their husbands. Unfortunately Miss Mortimer has yet to be released into the care of a responsible adult.

Can anyone throw any light on this dear lady? Does she have any next of kin? If you have any information please contact the following:-

Nursing Sister Le Farge
Napoleon Bonapart Hospital
Paris

Dear MotownGal.

Recently I had my eldest sister stay with me and she had a problem with the way I put my teaspoons in the cutlery draw, apparently I put them in the wrong way.

Can you please HELP me is there is a right or wrong way to put spoons in a draw also what should I have said to my sister. :-(

Auntie Motie

you tell fibs your 101 rember :-D :-D :-D

Dear Auntie Motie

How dare you make light of the unfortunate accident which befell my great Aunt Petunia.

And as to referring to her as Miss!.... Scandalous!!

I have a copy of her marriage certificate among my private papers. Admittedly the original name has been crossed out and my Great Aunt's name written over the top, but she did initial it: I have to assume that the Registrar who filled out the original certificate must have been confused.

As far as I know I am the only legitimate next of kin of poor Aunt Petunia, but of course, as in all families, there are rumours and certain whispered conversations when younger members of the family visit.

Aunt Petunia led a very active life which can be vouched for by several Officers who served in India during the time she was there (and, if the rumours are true, so could several platoons of squadies!)

What I can't understand is what she was doing in France when we, the family, thought that she was safely, and securely, esconced in the Sir Forence Nightingake Home for the Permanently Bewildered.

Could you please forward her purse and money to me. You may keep her clothes to defray any expenses. This should cover your costs unless of course her dress is already defrayed.

She never did look after her clothes. She was not fashion conscious, which considering she was out of her clothes more than she was in them this was not a major social consideration.

I believe that her nickname among her male and female acquaintances was Moll Flanders. If you could shed any light on the origin of this name I would much appreciate it.

Aunt Petunia has never had to rely on any form of Social Security to sustain her in her twilight years. Her mere remark about publishing her memoirs has always ensured a large cheque from one or other of her many gentleman friends with a letter begging her not to.

Quite interesting really!

Regards

Allan Mortimer

Dear Sister,

What a shock to read of Petunia's most unfortunate accident. She is indeed known to quite a few, why those two ladies taken home by their husbands are indeed her dear friends. I suggest you telephone one or other of them and demand they return for Petunia, or do you not consider them responsible enough ?

As I live a fair old distance from Blighty, I am unable to accept responbsibility for Petunia. There are however a Miss CC and a Miss Teresa who may be able to help you. Petunia is of some means and Miss CC has been a recent house guest of Petunia's. She may be your best bet. I am sure she will make contact with you in the very near future.

Would you please pass a message on to Petunia for me? Thank you.

Please advise Petunia that we have all be concerned not to have heard form her and trust her to get into strife. You are no doubt aware by now, that Petunia is a 'lady' and expects to be treated as such.
Good luck Sister :-D.

Sincerely,
Susan NZ :-)

Hello Lesley,

Oh blimey, do you think your sister needs a new life? Wrong way indeed...

Alan, I am sure you have the wrong Petunia :-D

Shelley, do you think the bump on Petunia's head has caused her to tell a wee white lie?? ;-)

To:
Nursing Sister Le Farge
Napoleon Bonapart Hospital
Paris

Dear Sister,
I am writing to you regarding your patient Miss Petunia Mortimer. Her friends in England have been most concerned as she disappeared off the face of the Earth for a short while and we had no idea of her whereabouts. The silence was quite deafening.

It is with great relief we learn she is being taken care of at your hospital, and I trust she has not been any trouble or disruptive to the ward at large. Please put her into an automobile, ask le driver to take her to the Gare de Yergob, and see her into the Eurotunnel. I will arrange to have dear Petunia collected when the Eurotrain reaches its destination.

Please send the bill for Miss Mortimer's care to Monsieur le Health Minister for England & Wales
c/o The Houses of Parliament.

Merci chere Souer
signed,
Madame de Melting Fat aka CC

Hello dear CC,

I knew I could rely on yourself or dear Teresa to step up to the plate, as it were, and 'help' Petunia.

I have concerns re the 'bill' for Petunia's care as I know that you have a deep distrust of those governmental departments........

Still, as long as you get Petunia home, the powers that be can sing for their 'supper'. I do think they will all be rather busy for the next few weeks, being seen in all the right places? ;-).

Now , I hear on the radio, that your weather is finally coming right and you are in fact sweltering in the heat? Oh dear, from one extreme to another.
I trust the weather will stay agreeable for the duration of 'those' games.

Perhaps Petunia will be unable to carry out her official duties ( thank the you know who, but don't tell her I said so). One recent disaster is quite enough for the moment.

Will you be returning to the Towers to oversee Petunia's recovery?

Do keep us posted dear, we shall be agog for the details.

I shall keep a look out for Teresa and all our new visitors. How delightful to be back in Motie land :-D.

Toodle pip for now, I have to throw another log on the fire :-|, tis winter here and don't we feel it....

Susan

#Picture a long white, souless ward, nurses in large white head attire move quietly in and around the beds, not talking to their patients unless to ask their names.............their sole reply to questions is 'non'.#

Well, my dears, what a to do. Remind me NEVER to adjudicate on the Tour de France again. All was going so swimmingly until that rogue cyclist ran into the crowd. We all fell onto each other, and that Trident went up into the air, and fell down on me.................I shant say where, but I have been laying on my stomach ever since.

I feel very upset that dear Georgianna and Octavia have both left with their dear husbands, but apparently there is some rule here, that unless you have someone of kinship to collect you, you cannot go. I cannot understand what has happened to dear Pat-trish-aaaaah or indeed dear Cherry. They were at Motie Towers last time I knew............where are they? I want to go home [sobs] it is so unfair...............blows loudly in a rough cotton hankerchief.

Oh dear, here comes the Avenging Angel Sister La Farge. What a woman she is.................tall, angular, probably knows her job............but very rough indeed.

She is summoning some porters with a trolley and indicating to me. Now as you know I am fluent in Francais, but this dialect has me flummoxed.

They are man-handling me onto this trolley, and I hear words like Gard de Nord, oh please, please tell me I am going home.................

Home, what a wonderful word, I feel like Scarlett O'Hara when she is trying to reach Tara, I would scoop up a handful of soil if there were any to hand......

Ooooh we are bumping along the corridor now, my chin is black and blue..........now into the ambulance with the siren wailing, yes, yes, dears I feel I am going home.

Home to dear Motie Towers, home to Pat-trish-aaaaah, home to Cherry, home to my dear little garden, and my friends.............

Our of the ambulance, and into the guards carriage of the Euro-train..............hurrah!

I am SO pleased to be returning to the boooooosum of my friends of family, no doubt there will be LOTS to do, answering lots of lovely questions, doing good works, and wreaking havoc around North London.

The engine is starting up, I am on my way.....................


Pip Pip
Auntie Petunia

Dear All,

I am afraid that my Great Aunt has been at the smelling salts again which were safely gathered from various 'snow' fields at great expense (and let me remind you that there was nothing cheap about my Great Aunt Petunia, apart from her reputation: but her prices were as high as she was)

The only bossoms to which she is returning are those of her long dead lovers, driven to an early grave by her insatiable appetites and her lack of driving prowess.

My Aunt is most welcome to join us in the outback of Western Australia if she is willing to share the dunny with a lovely family of redbacks.

Please respond on the backs of used postage stamps.

Kind Regards

I believe that one or more persons are impersonating my Great Aunt to relieve her of her imaginary fortune.

But let me warn you all, family love is stronger (Ok some members of the family have misinterpreted that phrase) and I take full responsibility for Great Aunt Petunia, but not if it involves any financial commitment

Good afternoon dear Friends,

I am esconsed on the chaise longue once again, freshly bathed and in my silk night attire. Please look away you menfolk, I do not let male eyes stray onto my bedjacket. Tutty tut.

How lovely to be back home in the house where I have lived since I was a gel. And dear Pat-rish-aaaaah and Cherry made a great fuss of me, which is always appreciated.

Dear George and Francine with dear little Valentine were at the Station to greet the train, and whisked me away in a private ambulance.

I gave the hospital bill to dear Cherry to forward a cheque, but she said they could Whistle Dixie! Does that mean that the imminant arrival of cousin Ruby and Marmaduke? Shudders.

I have been away too long, and have all manner of duties to perform, but............my original task of Agony Aunt will take to the fore.

Now, I do believe we have a newcomer in our midst, dear Lesley. Cutlery is indeed a problem. We have to have it, but good quality utensils are such a joy to behold. Now, teaspoons. It really depends if you are right or left handed dear. I presume you have a cutlery drawer that is three appatures running from top to 3/4 ways down, and one running from side to side.

If you are right handed it should be fork, knife, dessert spoons and the teaspoons at the bottom, with the handle to the right. Left handed, knife, fork, dessert spoon, with the teaspoons at the bottom with the handle to the left. Simple is it not? Now sisters are another thing alllllltogether! Just because you share the same parents does not make you the same. If she insists on interferring with your implements, simply do not invite her again. [Smooths down bed jacket, with a self satisfied smile on face]

Now Allan, I do believe you are teasing me dear. We know each other of old........Moll Flanders indeed. Tuts. As you may remember I was only in India until I was 10 years old. When Papa was transferred back to Blighty from India, where he worked in the British Embassy out there. The only person who put me 'through my paces' was one of the guards there, who used to 'drill' all the children as part of a game. Do you remember the film with Shirley Temple and Mr BoJangles marching along? That was based on our games in the Embassy Courtyard. Oh Allan, you do make me smile, as Mr Bennett said to Miss Elizabeth, to paraphrase, how sad it is if we cannot laught at ourself sometimes............Moll Flanders indeed. Shakes head.

Dear, dear Upsidedown Susan, thank you for your welcome home dear. I shall send you some pine logs down the cyber shute. They are fully dry, they will not smoke, and the smell will remind you of the Old Country.

Shelly my dear, 101 indeed, I think you will find that is slander.........titters behind a lace fan.

Time for my dressing to be changed dears.

See you anon
Auntie Petunia

Hallo Allan, I too have family down under, if Auntie does happen to visit you and it gets all too much you can send her to them :-D I am a little concerened for her reputation, there have been whispers but poor Lavania passed on and took all the secrets with her.

Coooeee Susan, trust you are well :-D I have been at paid toil so did not see the distress call. Its been a trifle warm here. I was unpacking the car of shopping today when a work man, who was peering into his van, working at the house opposite, happened to remark, and the words he used were thus, me ******* dinner is @@@@ hot and his lunch had melted. The other workman obseved that he should have put a ******** ice pack in to keep it cool like he did :-0

One does not wish to here such language on a sunny afternoon. :-(

Now back to Auntie who I fear may be caught up on an olympic lane somewhere. Oh I forgot, Dave n Nick and Borris have sent her a pass. I expect dear CC has it all in hand. Any way, why was Aunt P in France when she was part of Sir Sebs team GB here? She was in the wrong place! Tutty Tut.

Well Auntie, I have a question. How does a workman keep his lunch cool in a hot van on the second hottest day of the year?

Hallo Lesley, Aunt P will answer your question at some stage. The poor old dear often ponders on our questions for a while before we get any answers :-D

~~~~~ to Dame Shelly


Yours trying to read what a great grandparents occupation is on a wedding cert in 1882. (yes I am at last looking at the family history again :-D )

Teresa

Hellllooooooooo dear Teresa,

Our lovely Angle of Murphy. How are you? A trifle warm I imagine. #flutters fan in your direction#

How does a workman keep his lunchbox cool? Now that is a worry. I know a haybox cooks to perfection, but it can also can cool too. Tell your workman, who obviously has the Docker lurking locally, to collect an old tea box, just trip along to the Docks dear. Pack it in hay from the local stables, pop his box into it, and hey presto it will be cool as can be for at least 12 hours. Words fail me after that.

I hope that I have laid dear Lesley's fears to rest dear, regarding the cutlery and her family. #flapping furiously#

You are quite right Teresa dear, I SHOULD be at the Olympics for the Opening Ceremony tomorrow, and yes, we have a lane to ourselves. Preens. But as you know dear, there are many arrows to my bow, and I was timekeeping at the Tour de France, when my little mishap took place.

However, I have gotton Pat-trish-aaah to lay out my attire for tomorrow, and by golly gingo I will make it to the Opening Ceremony. Stitches or no............

Tell me, in your official capacity, why does that white airated tape hurt so when it is pulled off?

Still flapping furiously
Auntie Petunia

Hello dear Susan-nz
Thank you so much for your concern and our governments inability to pay its bills. This may be due to the fact that they are too busy stealing our hard earned dinarii to notice the Red Demands piling up. However since dear Petunia has (I presume) always paid her National Insurance Contributions, the government should pick up the tab, and not us her dear friends.
As for me returning to The Towers to oversee dear Petunia's recovery - this is in the lap of the Gods. Pat rish aaaah is there. I am sure Georgianna and Octavia will be visiting. There will be no need for Moi.
Oh the weather - talk about one extreme to the other. Its now far too hot for safety, and I am considering emigrating to the North Pole.
Dare I say it - I am in a Games Free zone, and we do not discuss this subject ....... ;-)

CC

Hahar !! One has just received a scam text message, telling me I am entitled to claim lots of money on account of mis-sold loans. I dont know how they worked this out - because I dont have any mis sold loans. I've just reported them to V-Spam.

At least they are not demanding money. As it would cost me the price of a txt to tell them to stop contacting me, and its all computer-generated contact anyway, they can go whistle Dixie.

*sipping tea from a Dresden bone china cup*
Well there I woz, dead on time at the terminus where the Eurostar train was expected to come chugging in at any moment ..... George was fretting because the traffic wardens are eyeing him and he didnt want to be fined for parking in the wrong place. I told him to put Midwife On Call cards all over the vehicle, but would he listen to me.

So strange, there wasnt any steam which I would expect to see at a railway station. Mind you it must be 50 years since I took a train. Her Majesty's judge told me I must never take another train, as the passengers didnt like it, nor did the driver and guard.

I stood patiently and held up a huge white placard with Miss Petunia Mortimer written on it, in black felt tip pen, wondering Where on earth was the dear lady.

Then, I saw a trolley coming towards me, being pushed like a porter who looked like he would rather be anywhere else but there. On the trolley was what appeared to be a wrinkled old lady, wrapped in a shroud. And I thought to myself : Really, couldnt they even spare a coffin? And then I realised : OH !! it was not a corpse in a shroud, it was our dear Petunia coming home. George pushed the trolley to the car, and unloaded dear Petunia into the back seat. Francine wrapped Petunia in rugs. I climbed on to the roof rack and held on for dear life as George navigated the car through the hectic streets of London's peak traffic flow. At one point, I had to cry out "GEORGE ! dont do that!"

Oh how cute little Valentine was ..... until he needed his diapers changed. The aircon in the car was not working.

Oddly enough, there was a stream of people riding pedal bikes along the motorway. I wondered if they were some Tour De France competitors who'd lost their way.

And so back to Motie Towers where I am kept running back and forth as if I was poor Pat rish aaaaah. Running .... hobbling, more like. This will not do my new hip any good, I am supposed to break it in gently.

Dear Petunia presented me with the hospital bill as if she expected me to pay it in person. Pah! I have forwarded it, second class post, to the Health Minister.

What IS that smell, does Valentine need another clean nappy? Francine !! someone open the Windows, pleeeeeze !!

CC

Naturally Teresa dear you would not wish to hear such language on such a day. The workman should have planned ahead and bought some of those freezer blocks to put in a thermal bag to keep his lunchbox cool.

Would another pair of eyes help you to read that occupation? Are you able to scan and send?

My word, if I hear another word about the wretched games, I will find a new use for some of that aerated sticky tape that dear Petunia is pulling off herself. No wonder I thought she looked like a corpse. She was trussed up like an Egyptian Mummy.

Oh dear me. Dresden china tea cups shatter into shards when one drops them.

CC

Dear MotownGirl

I must thank you from the bottom of my cutlery draw :-D for your answer it seems I am wrong as being right handed my draw runs from the right knives, forks, dessert/soup spoons teaspoons at the bottom have the handle on the left. :-( I think I can live with being wrong in this instance. :-D
As for not inviting my sister to stay again I didn't invite her last time.

One more question if you don't mind, do you think if I tell my very heavily pregnant daughter to sit in hay that will keep her cool. :-D

The friendly newcomer ;-)

Good evening dears.

This will be my last missive for the night dears, I felt that I should keep you in the loop dears. What with all the kerfuffle going on.

I feel I must try and catch up on my beauty sleep after the nightmare of the Bonepart Hospital. Who snorted?

The Opening Ceremony is tomorrow, and of course I shall have a prime part.

Now this is a little clue who I shall be.....................

A woman of great knowledge................and Practically Perfect in every way. Go on...............your know who it is. Look out for me.

Dear Cherry has returned, and she and Pat-trish-aaaah are holding the fort admirably. George, Francine and dear little Valentine have left, and all is quiet.

Except for the noise of breaking fine china. Tutty tut.

Now dear Lesley, I am pleased that my advice has been accepted with such good grace. It was only a pointer dear, you must do what is right for you. As for your dear daughter, well..................I am afraid we do not mention 'delicate conditions' on this thread dear. We only mouth the words, not actually say them. But I dare say she would be suitable sitting on the hay, although not if she has hay fever.

Please do call me Auntie Petunia by the way, sooooo much friendlier.

Sweet dreams dears
tomorrow is another day.

Auntie Petunia

How lovely to see you back where you belong Petunia,

Thankyou for the logs, yes, dry is best.... Our fire burns 24/7 for a few months, heats the water too.. A blessing when, for ones daughter, time stood still when she hopped into the shower :-| :-|

Now I am sure you will be tickety boo in no time. If you are to venture out to that unmentionable event ( for fear of incurring CC's wrath), please do take care, keep up your fluid intake, I don't suppose your aged body can take too many shocks at once. :-D. have a lovely time, I shall look out for you on the television screen.

CC, I am sending you a set of railway china , to save your Dresden dear...
Bit rough you being slung onto the roof rack isn't it? How's your barnet?
I didn't know one could receive scams via text, what an invasion of privacy.
Hope you are still on the improve? I should give the North Pole a miss if I were you, very same same, all that 'white' :-D.

Teresa, did you fling the workman a 'mothers unamused look'? I hope he didn't eat his warm lunch, he may have tummy trouble today. :-S.

Hello Lesley, so pleased your spoon dilemma is over ;-). Oooh, when is your daughters baby due, how exciting for you. Are you sure a stint in the hay wasn't the cause of, errr, a baby??? No offence intended at all.

Alan, I can't imagine Petunia ever venturing into an 'outhouse' let alone one
with a family of redbacks :-D. So pleased we don't have them over here, or snakes, ** shudders **

Now it is time for me to get on with my day, my fruit and partner are moving house today, they are staying here for two nights until the painter has finished at theirs.... next door :-D, my grandog will be nice and close.

Have a pleasant evening folks,
Susan

Dear Auntie Petunia.

Thank you again for your advice, I will learn albeit maybe a bit slowly. :-D

Susan-nz 28th July :-) definitely no offence taken. :-D :-D