General Chat

Miss McGillicuddy (his 2nd grade teacher)

"I always knew I'd see you again - but how did you know I lived in Drumnadrochit?"

"I've followed your career for years. More recently I've been following your postings on the GR boards.

"But I am concerned about what you believe to be your ancestry."

Eldrick lay on the coping stones, clutching his damaged neeps, wondering what on earth she was raving about.

"It's about time you knew" she said " You are the heir to......

neeps on the coping stones. He landed on the other side (of the wall that is, his seriously damaged neeps did not cause his demise) and lay on the ground writhing in agony.

Slowly amidst the breaking of twigs, and wind, a shape emerged from the vegetation.

Far from being a ministering angel the shape took the form of

he grabbed a monk's habit and legged it through an open door, out in the grounds and leapt a wall, seriously catching his

Have my neeps nipped?

Eldrick's anxiety level once again rose to a dangerous height. Chafed thighs were one thing (or two in Eldrick's case) but nipped neeps, no.

Deciding that it was time to leave the monastery he quickly

damaged neeps and chafed thighs - they were a silent order of Monks so everything was said with hand gestures - Eldrick found it difficult to interpret some of what they were endeavouring to say to him and thought surely they can't mean I have to

the monks at the monastery who were very good at looking after

he had just the kind of neeps they were looking for - Eldrick had to decline because of his infirmities but promised he would be available when he return to full health again

the young scout was very caring and worried about the state of Eldrick's neeps so he took him to

A group of transgenders were Pole dancing and enquired if he wanted to join them because

Big Bertha, Merciless Megan, Senga and his 2nd grade teacher Miss McGillicuddy

The boy scout looked at Eldricks white face with alarm

Are you alright man?

No - I'm terrified of those women!

Right, I don't blame you.......... I'll take you somewhere safe...

So the boy scout took Eldrick to the rugby club, where.........

neeps a rest. His thighs were responding to all the previous oilings but his neeps needed the same loving care.

He wondered if anyone had a bottle of neepsfoot oil. Holding up a placard with such a request he was approached by a little old lady.

Eldrick froze with fear: ladies, little or large, young or old, revived in him memories of

just then appeared a Boy scout with a wheel chair doing bob-a-job week

Thankfully Eldrick sank down in the chair with relief to give his

get home with my neeps intact?

Big Bertha who was head prison warder at the time ,
Oh God said Eldrick [if there is one] what is happing to me how did I get in this mess,how can I

like a multi-legged spider, make its way around the bar twice, out the door, down the street, and fell apart at the door of the Loch Ness Monster exhibit....

The local police officer (Hamish MacBeth) appeared. Aw c'mon boys, this isnae Murrayfield!

Then he saw the mini-kilted stranger..... "who are you, and why are you showing your neeps?"

You're nicked, and so are your neeps!

Eldrick finally got a bed for the night, courtesy of HM......... and if HE was locked in, that meant everybody else was locked OUT, except for......

and decided to form a Scrum into which,

Sigh of relief. His neeps were un-nicked, but a bit blue...

Senga gave him a nippie sweetie (that warmed his cockles!) and offered the loan of her brother's kilt.

Wrapping the kilt around his frozen loins, he started to feel a bit warmer, but his thighs were still chilly........... he realised Senga's brother must be about 10 years old......... he was wearing a mini-kilt...and there was a terrible draft from the door.............the local Rugby team had arrived...........

Looked down to see if the Haggis had nicked his Neeps,

a Highland Fling.

"GERROF" yelled Eldrick. "If I was going to have a fling it wouldn't be with a super Haggis!"

In the distance he could see lights twinkling.... The Drumnadrochit Hotel.

He wandered into the bar, to be greeted by the barmaid Senga...

"Eldrick, where's yer troosers?"

Red-faced, he........

A massive great super Haggis charging at him intent on doing

chopping holes in the ice for fishing (had to get the fish oil from somewhere!)

Just as Eskimo Nell raised the chopper, Eldrick woke up in fright........

That noise he had heard was the engine! Splutter cough splutter cough....

Arrrrrrghhhhh!

The plane splashed down in the shallows of Loch Ness.

Eldrick dragged himself out of the sinking plane, staggered ashore and saw