General Chat

why do these awful things keep happening to me - I've led a blameless life and here I am on a flawed floor with crushed neeps and strangled tatties - could things get any worse he wondered as he

(lol Suzanne. Could he catch a RAPID dog :-D :-D)

that he had stumbled into the secret grotto of the vested virgins. The maidens were absolutely flawless, spoilt only by the grotty vests they were wearing.

The girls weren't the only things that were flawless, and as Eldrick fell into the pit he realised that he had walked, or in his case, fallen into a trap.

As he crashed downwards his fall was only broken when he reached the flaw, sorry, floor. As he lay, winded, he thought

HE MADE HIS ESCAPE.THANK GOD MY ONIONS ARE STILL IN GOOD SHAPE HE THOUGHT,(IM A POET AND I DIDNT KNOW IT) JUST THEN HE HAPPENED ON A LOVELY SIMMERING BBQ,OH IM SO HUNGRY HE THOUGHT,COULD EAT A RAPID DOG RIGHT NOW,OH BUT THE DELIGHTS THAT MET HIS EYES HE COULD NOT BELIEVE----

He just knew that when he finally reached his ancestoral home, he was going to change it's name to 'Dun Roamin'. Turning for one last look at the huge mound that lay unmoving on the floor, he made a bolt for the door.

After fitting the bolt he knew that he had wasted his time as there was a perfectly good deadlock already there.

With a heavy heart and a twisted sporran he

Rest his weary broken body for a short while,the thought of a lovely soft bed beckoned him towards the croft,he knocked gently on the door,it opened and he was suprised at the sight awaiting him,OMG IT YOU,he almost sobbed at the sight before his eyes,BIG BERTHA was grinning at him with passion in her eyes and wearing her big red bloomers,oh my onions he was heard to squeal before dissapearing behind the door,when he made his escape the next day he was in a shocking state,oh god help me what have i done---

rest his weary bones ,onions tatties and his newly found neeps ,in a friendly
place and

throttle her but had second thoughts - he stuck out northwards towards his beloved Scotland and was soon in the lowlands - as opposed to the highlands - and sniffing the air, filling his lungs with Scottish air he felt truly uplifted - he followed a track alongside a wood and came to a croft where he could see smoke rising from the chimney - perhaps at last he could

Big Bertha,Fagash Lil, Giant Haystacks and many more to many to list here
and so our Hero had got the hump and was ready to

Singing,So he began , Come into the Garden Maud,she replied ,my name is,nt Maud,its Jennifer so there. and if you think you,re getting your nuts back forget it I,ve flogged them off to Cadburys,and so nutless he continued on his way with sadness in his heart and no neeps.so he decided to visit a fortune teller (She was Cheep and no Chicken) she looked into the glass ball and noticed that it was clouded all she could see was a great pair of red bloomers containing a horrible sight,she tuned and said get out of here your doomed to walk the world with

how on earth can I retrieve me nuts,I will have to entice the fair maid
away from the tree with my

the squirrel had burried beneath the tree where the fair maiden (remember her :-D0 sat beneath. Oh dear thought our hero

came to an abrupt halt. He had not only found Hadrians Wall in the early morning mist, he had walked straight into it and nearly brained himself.

He had certainly twisted his sporran in the collision. His thoughts immediately flew to the squirrel and his nuts which

peoples' sensitivities - she really had no people skills - she was utterly tactless - and brainless - and here was he, just neepless - dear God, how did things come to this he thought as he trudged on through the night - he knew that if she was around he would hear her - light on her feet she was not - he described her as ugly, so ugly - she had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down - that's how ugly she was - he recoiled at the very thought of her and this just spurred him on - he walked until day break, which broke rther noisily this morning and

he decided to walk through the night.

At least in the dark Big Bertha would not be able to follow him. He had, however, forgotten that Big Bertha was always in the dark regarding some matters such as

He just wished he hadnt made a hole in the bloomers .ha ha he thought could use it as a tent for the night .but what will hold it off the ground .so

At least this post will take me closer to Scotland where I should be able to renew my neeps and put my tatties to good use

followed their instructions and felt he would soon be back en route to Scotland - he had heard of Hadrian's Wall but had always thought it to be part of a house - so off he went following the posts which hopefully would lead him to the wall - so far so good he thought

small furry animals on the bbq.

This was too much for Eldrick who happened to see an old tramp steamer at the quayside.

The tramp had, in fact, fallen into the dock and was now drying out on the quay. He was in full sunlight which accounted for the steam.

talking to the tramp, Eldrick found out how to get to Scotland using the tramp routes, and secret signs that indicated those households on the way willing to provide food.

The tramp assured Eldrick that if he followed the posts ( :-D) he would be at Hadrian's wall before he knew it.

Hadrian was one of the tramps' biggest benefactor and was also known to provide transport on occasions such as when particularly obnoxious types refused to leave!

Thus assured, Eldrick once more

Tillbury docks and there was a welcoming committee, it was the cast of TOWIE, the hairy biker and gawd bless him Jamie Oliver. They had provided a party and cooked

a gust of wind took him to