General Chat

HE MADE HIS ESCAPE.THANK GOD MY ONIONS ARE STILL IN GOOD SHAPE HE THOUGHT,(IM A POET AND I DIDNT KNOW IT) JUST THEN HE HAPPENED ON A LOVELY SIMMERING BBQ,OH IM SO HUNGRY HE THOUGHT,COULD EAT A RAPID DOG RIGHT NOW,OH BUT THE DELIGHTS THAT MET HIS EYES HE COULD NOT BELIEVE----

(lol Suzanne. Could he catch a RAPID dog :-D :-D)

that he had stumbled into the secret grotto of the vested virgins. The maidens were absolutely flawless, spoilt only by the grotty vests they were wearing.

The girls weren't the only things that were flawless, and as Eldrick fell into the pit he realised that he had walked, or in his case, fallen into a trap.

As he crashed downwards his fall was only broken when he reached the flaw, sorry, floor. As he lay, winded, he thought

why do these awful things keep happening to me - I've led a blameless life and here I am on a flawed floor with crushed neeps and strangled tatties - could things get any worse he wondered as he

painfully tried to straighten his sporran.

As his eyes grew accustomed to the dark, he noticed a darker area ahead of him....a tunnel!

Eldrick had no option but to enter it as he knew that he would never scale the sheer walls. He had never even been able to scale a fish.

So taking his courage, crushed neeps, strangled tatties and twisted sporran in his hands, he entered the tunne.

Having his hands full made feeling his way along the wall of the tunnel very difficult, but he manfully proceeded thinking that any more bodily damage would render him less of a man and unable to perform his marital

functions - but then he wasn't married, but he did have aspirations in that direction - suddenly he saw the light at the end of the tunnel and he emerged into bright light which was quite dazzling - still clutching his neeps, tatties nd sporran he stood up and found he was in a

train tunnel with the Flying Scotsman bearing down on him with a startling rapidity.

Eldrick's screams were never heard above the

roar of the engine and as the train left the tunnel all that was left was a shredded sporran, two mangled neeps and a set of crushed tatties

Is this the end of the never ending story?

Of course not... Eldrick had stumbled into one of the recesses created for the safety of railworkers dropping his belongings (amongst other things!) onto the track.

A pale and shaking figure emerged from the recess wondering where the nearest laundry was.

and so it was a case of "Die another day"

particularly for his underwear.

Despite his discomfort he finally emerged from the tunnel looking like a reject from the Black and White Minstrel show and

thinking were does he go from here,his been all over the country,following hadrians wall ,landed up in Tilbury Docks so where the bl**dy hell was he now,was it some kind of ring road?so his next plan was to go and buy an A-Z
hoping that would show him the way and

Low and behold he came across a kindly Wizard who took pity on him and said ,Fret no more,I will help you with your problems,and in a flash with his magic wand he turned him into a very large Toad saying as he did so Hubble Bubble now you,re in more B trouble because I,ve turned Big Bertha Fag Ash Lil etc into people who kiss toads to try and find a handsome Prince Ha Ha, and so he was left again with yet another dillema ( Not to be compared with Enema) he felt he was right in the smelly stuff and wondered what next awaited him,and so he Hopped to it and went looking for

for his close relative, Toad of Toad Hall - now if he is at home he thought he can help me in my current predicament - at least I am no longer hampered by tatties, neeps and a sporran so he began to look on the bright side of things and hopped along in the undergrowth when

He came across a Hole,so in he went (Now he,s a Toad in the Hole) and Big Bertha is a Hungry wench sniffing out food anywhere and she was on his trail again sniffing and snuffling untill she smelt the smell and off she went red bloomers flying in the wind to trace the

poor hapless Eldrick ,the thought of her kissing him made him croak loudly what can I do he thought, so quick as he could he hopped off ..
Outside he saw an old man lying on a grass hummock
He didnt look very comfortable but Eldrick approached him and woke him up can you help me

Ah, said the old man I see you have been got at by the Wizard Merlin :-) :-)
I can help you so he blew fairy dust over Eldrick and

you know what - I'm fed up with this story now - can we start another one

Why ??????????????????????????

and he returned to his normal self ..
Looking down he said whats this I'm holding, it cant

be true, I am restored to my normal self with me neeps and tatties and sporran in tact. I am in the highlands of Scotland and Big Bertha is not a figment of my imagination but my good lady wife Hilda Baker :-D
Fag Ash Lil is my Sister Hattie and the Hairy Biker my old Mucker Keith.

Oh joy and happiness to behold the end is in sight, I can go back to my happy hobbies of