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a representative of the Vatican asking for the return of the Pope Mobile - he promptly denied all knowledge of the item, speaking in broken English with a bit of Scots thrown in for good measure - after about half an hour of non-communication the Vatican guy shoved off looking more than a little confused now to tackle the border guards who looked quite forbidding - however

for a sum, they looked as though they could be quite allowing!

So fumbling in his pockets for his wallet and singing quietly under his breath " Vatican, Vatican, Papal Man, Make me a Pope as fast as you can" he

The pope himself was there to give eldrick guidence get the 52 bus when you get to glasgow & dont forget to get of before

found some cash which he offered up - their pay could not be that good cos they got quite excited as he showed them a handful of coins of various denominations from various countries - so that sorted he passed through the border and into Spain - next step to find a port and some vessels sailing for Blighty - he followed the coast around until he came to a harbour and there, to his surprise was a

52 bus he he

Eldrick decided to catch the bus. This nearly gave him a hernia as it was heavier than he thought.

What Eldrick didn't know was that the Pope had requested a special conductor for the bus...an electrical conductor! The Pope had also arranged for the conductor to be wired to the mains supply.

For a man who preached turning the other cheek, the Pope was still pretty p***ed over the theft of his Popemobile

but being German he had really wanted something with a Volkswagon engine, so all in all the fact that it had gone AWOL might be a blessing - and thinking it over, Eldrick had done him a favour - he let Eldrick go on his way unharmed and the bus trundled on through Spain arriving at

at the French Border

"Mon Dieu et Sacre Bleu!!" exclaimed the Froggy Border Guard who had never seen a double decker bus before, let alone a number 52

he was so suprised that he

forgot to be rude.

"fait il flotte?" he asked

then he recovered & said what the flaming heck are you

"Mais non!" exclaimed Eldrick in an appalling French accent, " il tomber dans les oubliettes" hoping that he had conjugated the verb correctly.

The Border guard just stared at him and Eldrick took the chance to

conjugate a bit more, and uttering a few more phrases such as Mont Blanc and mangetout, he just walked past the border guard who was standing there mouth agape - once in France he thought he would head for Calais and hop on a P & O Ferry to Dover - he had no idea which way Calais was so he stopped an onion seller on a bike who

was in tears "mon due" cos. his onions were soo big and his bike had a flat tyre whereupon....

Eldrick offered to mend his puncture - tres bon said the onion seller through his tears - they sure were strong onions - so Eldrick fixed the bike and made as if to test it out, but simply rode off on it leaving his neeps to bang about with the onions which were on the handlebars - pretty soon he came across a

Bistro where they were holding a "Gurning Competition" he entered and won, the first prize being a trip to the Vatican and a replacement set of Neeps which would help him to

Because he was about to make a film called "Return of the Neeps" in Technicolour with the Swiss Guards as Neepmasters (Because their Boots were decorated with false ones crotcheted by GR. members who enjoyed making false neeps to aid

Big Bertha in her quest to

buy Hayley a new set of matching bathroom towels to replace the ones she accidentally

ruined , by mopping up you know what when she had

used as kneeling pads in