General Chat

all the ladies of the Womens Institute and their Nagging Sisters were dancing around a stone circle, wearing bedsheets & horses' heads.

Eldrick was tied to a pole in the middle of the circle! The falling snow cooled his thighs, but not his head........ he was getting hot under what was left of his collar.

He heard a noise in the distance....... thunder? earthquake?

No, it was.......

Eskimo Nell doing the Dance of the 7 Furs (bit cold for veils) her hobnail boots resounding on the ice. She had a clay pipe hanging out of the corner of her mouth &

and a big chopper in her right hand it was for

chopping holes in the ice for fishing (had to get the fish oil from somewhere!)

Just as Eskimo Nell raised the chopper, Eldrick woke up in fright........

That noise he had heard was the engine! Splutter cough splutter cough....

Arrrrrrghhhhh!

The plane splashed down in the shallows of Loch Ness.

Eldrick dragged himself out of the sinking plane, staggered ashore and saw

A massive great super Haggis charging at him intent on doing

a Highland Fling.

"GERROF" yelled Eldrick. "If I was going to have a fling it wouldn't be with a super Haggis!"

In the distance he could see lights twinkling.... The Drumnadrochit Hotel.

He wandered into the bar, to be greeted by the barmaid Senga...

"Eldrick, where's yer troosers?"

Red-faced, he........

Looked down to see if the Haggis had nicked his Neeps,

Sigh of relief. His neeps were un-nicked, but a bit blue...

Senga gave him a nippie sweetie (that warmed his cockles!) and offered the loan of her brother's kilt.

Wrapping the kilt around his frozen loins, he started to feel a bit warmer, but his thighs were still chilly........... he realised Senga's brother must be about 10 years old......... he was wearing a mini-kilt...and there was a terrible draft from the door.............the local Rugby team had arrived...........

and decided to form a Scrum into which,

like a multi-legged spider, make its way around the bar twice, out the door, down the street, and fell apart at the door of the Loch Ness Monster exhibit....

The local police officer (Hamish MacBeth) appeared. Aw c'mon boys, this isnae Murrayfield!

Then he saw the mini-kilted stranger..... "who are you, and why are you showing your neeps?"

You're nicked, and so are your neeps!

Eldrick finally got a bed for the night, courtesy of HM......... and if HE was locked in, that meant everybody else was locked OUT, except for......

Big Bertha who was head prison warder at the time ,
Oh God said Eldrick [if there is one] what is happing to me how did I get in this mess,how can I

get home with my neeps intact?

just then appeared a Boy scout with a wheel chair doing bob-a-job week

Thankfully Eldrick sank down in the chair with relief to give his

neeps a rest. His thighs were responding to all the previous oilings but his neeps needed the same loving care.

He wondered if anyone had a bottle of neepsfoot oil. Holding up a placard with such a request he was approached by a little old lady.

Eldrick froze with fear: ladies, little or large, young or old, revived in him memories of

Big Bertha, Merciless Megan, Senga and his 2nd grade teacher Miss McGillicuddy

The boy scout looked at Eldricks white face with alarm

Are you alright man?

No - I'm terrified of those women!

Right, I don't blame you.......... I'll take you somewhere safe...

So the boy scout took Eldrick to the rugby club, where.........

A group of transgenders were Pole dancing and enquired if he wanted to join them because

he had just the kind of neeps they were looking for - Eldrick had to decline because of his infirmities but promised he would be available when he return to full health again

the young scout was very caring and worried about the state of Eldrick's neeps so he took him to

the monks at the monastery who were very good at looking after

damaged neeps and chafed thighs - they were a silent order of Monks so everything was said with hand gestures - Eldrick found it difficult to interpret some of what they were endeavouring to say to him and thought surely they can't mean I have to

Have my neeps nipped?

Eldrick's anxiety level once again rose to a dangerous height. Chafed thighs were one thing (or two in Eldrick's case) but nipped neeps, no.

Deciding that it was time to leave the monastery he quickly