General Chat

Agatha they may borrow and think she is great for a week or 2 believe me they send her back rather rapid

weird story
years ago me and mum raced greyhounds with respective partners ..one night we were both racing the same night, the same track ...not a track that knew me that well.

A dog got injured in the race I was in so I went to check with the owner....

some person came back also nattering on then left ..the owner of injured dog said sorry I can't stand that woman she is so Bl**dy annoying *quick rant* I just said I know what you mean she's my mother ...

SILENCE ...lassie said OMG I am so sorry but I don't like her .I couldn't say much for laughing but me and said lass stayed friends whilst I was on the greyhound scene ..

On the other hand I have been told many times that I am at fault as all Mum wants is some love etc etc she is great she is lovely ....believe me they don't hang around over long they soon give her back !

and I have tried to phone her ....but she isn't there

Uzzi, sorry, am pmsl

Do you realise how dull your life would be without your Mum's phone calls lol

And sorry, have to ask, who on earth is Neptune?
Lizx

pmsl sorry Liz neptune is what I call my nephew and yes my life may be dull without her ....but freedom always has a price lol

Happy Birthday to Neptune then, and hope your Mum sorts her holiday plans out soon so you have a vague idea of your life in the next few weeks lol

Lizx

Wish I could give you a hug. Both of my parents were a nightmare and from early on I lived in fear. The male parent would make Hitler seem tame. He taught my mother to hate me as much as he did. My sister and I always wonder why they had kids when they had the feelings towards us that they did. Feb 6th 1997 when I was pregnant with our son, my mother, who had been getting more and more beastly for a long time, said stuff to me that no mother should ever say to a daughter. She destroyed every belief I had in what it was to be a mother. That day, to me, she died. From then on there was someone who sounded like her and wore her skin. I knew that she didn't like me but I had never guessed the extent of her dislike towards me.

Despite a lifetime of abuse and bullying and never doing anything right, I looked after them both for their later years until I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. My mother died hating me despite me doing my best and the male parent's hatred towards me knew no bounds. Even as a parent myself I lived in fear of losing the kids either to them or that they would be taken off me as they would get it done. It was drummed into me that I was a bad parent and first Alison and then Andrew should be with them. Then they changed their mind about Andrew because he has autism and they were so ashamed to have a defective grandchild. Their neighbours and friends were not allowed to know about his condition and was even asked to have him 'sent somewhere'. My sister had a horrendous life too.

I was never wanted and growing up I never knew that I couldn't just be got rid of - either thrown out or killed. I lived my life in fear of the consequences of existing every single day. I was told when I was so, so little that they couldn't afford a third child so they had wanted me to die so they could try for another one who might be the boy the male parent craved. He could never forgive me for not dying. They even knew that a relative and I had issues but didn't bother to find out what. When I was 28 I told my mother how I'd been beaten (around the head, where the bruises wouldn't show under my hair) by that person for as long as I could remember but she didn't care. I don't miss either of my parents. Since they both died, I have a life now. Sad but a situation not of my making.

I'm posting this, not for sympathy or to compete for a sadder life than yours, but to tell those of you who had a happy life with wonderful parents, it doesn't happen to us all. It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time. I did my best for them because it was the right thing to do but it made me ill to even be in their presence. Any love for my parents was abused out of me.

She will do her best to make you feel guilty for everything you aren't doing for her during her visit. Stick to your guns. I doubt that even if you did share her hotel room again, nothing would be changed. Please don't feel badly for how you feel. You are good and kind and have your life now.

And if you want to talk, compare notes, share stories, you can sound off to me.

Kind regards and big hugs.

xxJill

Have just realised that there are two other pages I hadn't read so reading them now.

Hugs to everyone else.

xxxJill

Chris, your comment about being adopted makes big sense to me. I have longed for years for someone to ring me from some tv show like Jeremy Kyle to tell me that I was adopted and my 'real' family want to find me. I keep asking my husband to pay for me to have a DNA test to prove that I was swapped at birth. It's the only answer because I don't take after my lot at all. Sadly and correctly, he reminds me that as I was born at home, getting swapped by mistake isn't likely.

In the end I was simply incapable of caring for my parents any longer. I ignored the threats from the male parent as to the consequences of disobeying him and not caring for them any longer. They demanded 24/7 literally and I was exhausted. By this time, they were in respite in a residential home and my mother's condition had deteriorated. She needed two carers every 60 to 90 minutes. I was informed that they would be returning home. The male parent objected to paying for care so I would again be expected to do my duty and provide permanent, unpaid care. I walked away for my own sanity and because I believed that I was heading for a heart attack or stroke or something. My mother had another stroke some weeks after and never recovered. The male parent returned home but without my help. I had been their taxi service for years, hours and miles every day, on call 24/7 and my own family had been neglected. I never asked for payment for petrol but was occasionally given a few pounds. I did it to save them high costs of taxi-fares because TOG (stands for The Old Git) said that they needed every penny they had. When I changed my car for a newer but still second-hand one, he told me it was too good for me. He found fault with it but still demanded that I sign it over to him. He was a control freak. He reckoned that as he got Mobility he could get free road tax. He wasn't paying it anyway - I was.

Before he died, he had a new will drawn up and he told my sister his reason for hanging on to life was to make sure the new will got signed. He cut me out. My sister persuaded him not to cut the kids out too. He was going to do it to punish me further for disobeying him. I know that he told the neighbours that they had to watch every penny. The shock for me was finding out that I had been subsidising their income for years but they had that many different state and private pensions and benefits, their income was more than ours. I feel as though they stole from us. They took my time from my family and we couldn't afford to do stuff with the kids that we would like to have done. The second shock was the poor, needing every penny parents actually had about £60,000 in savings.

Like most classic abusers, he portrayed himself to the world as a kind, wonderful person. To us he was a total ******. When things began to change was when people began to see what he was really like as he stopped pretending to be nice. Long story but I was at a meeting with him with a bunch of hospital staff that included a consultant and I saw him left speechless by the sheer disgusting attitude TOG displayed. Right until the end he was accusing me of stuff I'd never done. He told lies about me and how I'd mistreated him and abandoned him. Even when my mother was dying it was all about him. He even hated her for being disabled later on.

The best way that I can describe the difference between my husband's parents who were the kindest, loveliest people in the world and without them I would never have known what 'normal' family life was like. Well Rob and I have been together since 1984. His mom died 06 and his dad 07. In all the years I knew them, they never once gave me a reason to be sad. In all those same years, my own parents never once gave me reason to be happy.

I've done quite a bit of reading about this sort of stuff and found something that not all the experts seem to agree exists. It's Sadistic Personality Disorder. It's beyond Narcesistic and Paranoid Personality Disorder. TOG ticked every single box.

Stay strong.

xxJ

Jillian, my heart cries for you. Thankyou for sharing your story

Even tho' you now have your own life nobody can give you back those years,

So sorry Jillian, nobody should have to go through what you did, My Mums mother is the same way, and after looking after her my mum got depressed and felt she was going mad, the doctor said she had to rest and because she could not look after her mother, her mother no longer wants anything to do with us, she also wants nothing to do with my mums younger sister who has Alzheimers as she says it is embarrassing.
I will read what you have written to mum when she gets back from the hairdresses this morning, she will really relate to your story.

Reading this thread has been a huge eye opener to me.

The relief that I feel to know that I am not the only person who hates one or both parents is overwhelming.

I won't go into all the ums and ahs about my upbringing,which sounds similar to all the other peeps on here,BUT........................................................................................

Why the hell didn't she have me adopted????

Oh Jillian - you were so much worse off than me - at least my Dad loved me.

I hope that this thread lets you know you are not alone.

Am so glad you had good kind in-laws and a loving husband, do take care.

Jillian.............I am lost for words at your posting, and finding it very hard to imagine the kind of childhood you and your sister must have endured.

I dont think I am a perfect parent by a long shot.........if there are such things as perfect parents......but I love my two children with a passion and I know my parents loved me and my siblings equally.

Hope your life now is filled with love and laughter surrounded by the people who care about you.

Annx

Uzzi..............had to laugh at your last post re the phone call, have you thought about writing a book?

Oh just watched Neil Morrisey life being in care, brought back memories of my life. I was not in care, but did have a mother that left me age 9, back in the 50's. Plus my mother was Narcosistic, I have survived and have 3 children that I love and have a great relationship with. I loved my mother, but did not like her.
Carol

Thanks gang for kind thoughts. I tried not to go for the sympathy bit. Walking away from them was the best thing I ever did. I have some wonderful friends on another forum I'm part of and they kept me going with so much love and support for some really rotten years. And I also have a handful of friends not on that forum who helped to keep me going. They know how much I love them because I say it to them.

To be truthful, if I told you the whole thing, my story would go on for pages and pages. I had never looked at the situation as a form of abuse until a very clever lady I know told me that I displayed classic symptoms of abuse. That opened my eyes and I began to read and learn. Mostly I learned it wasn't me. It was him and her and knowing that made a difference. I know my friend who told me is very clever because is some sort of ...ologist. Not only can she spell big words but she also knows what they mean:)

Annina, I'm so glad that what I and the others have shared here has helped you. For those who don't understand, it's a horrific thought not to love your parents. Thing is, aren't your parents supposed to love you too?????

When I was growing up, not one person ever told me that they loved me. When I was about thirteen I think TOG warned me never to get too friendly with anyone, never to get close to anyone because if I did, they would find out what I was really like. I kept my distance from everyone for years believing that I was such a dreadful person, no one could bare to be in my company and could never ever possibly love me. TOG hated shows of emotion - happiness or sadness. My sister and I have been emotionally crippled by this. I got told off for laughing as my laugh was horrid. If I spoke, he analysed every word, inflection and the necessity to speak at all. So I stopped being happy and I learned to keep a straight face when all around me were laughing. I made up my mind that if I ever had anyone for myself I would tell him every day how much I loved him and the same with if I was lucky enough to have kids. It's our 25th wedding anniversary in July and the kids are now nearly 16 and 14. Every day I tell them how much I love them, either in the house or around other people and the kids tell it me back too regardless of who is around (Rob is a bit more mannish about it). Of course he was never good enough and my mother used to list all his faults to me.

It's obvious to those who know the real me that I'm badly affected by all the **** I've gone through. TOG even began to try to terrorise Rob by ringing him at work and threatening him. He wanted him to be a man and tell his wife to behave herself and do as she was told and do as her father told her. Any vague threads of sympathy Rob may have left for him went one day when TOG made comments to him about my lovely in-laws. It was his usual habit of shaming you into obeying him. Rob was in so much shock he said if he could have thought of a reply, he would have done. I can be unpredictable and moody but I am so much better since walking away and taking massive pressure off myself. I get stress-induced Laryngitis. The morning I walked away from them I'd lost my voice within minutes. It didn't return for nearly two weeks which was about the time I felt I was recovering from the shock of it all. There had been a dreadful row in their room at the home. The staff had heard it down the hall. They were so wonderful to me. It turns out that my mother's main daytime carer was afraid of him and one day, thought he was going to attack her. He was horrid to everyone there. His rant that day was definately at Hitler level.

Even now, I ask myself how did it come to this; my sister asks herself the same question. It's only the last two years or so that we have begun to talk properly to each other. It seems that our parents deliberately set us against each other for all our lives. Stuff that each was told turns out to be untrue. The day that TOG found out that we were in contact and talking to each other he was furious. I walked away 11 days before my 50th birthday. It was the best birthday I'd had for as long as I can remember. They didn't wish me HB. TOG made a point one year, some time after my 40th that he intentionally hadn't wished me HB. I might get a card through my door the day after and one year when my mother turned up to pick Al up to spend the afternoon with her, I was there and she threw a card and Al and said that she had better give that to her mother. As she walked down the drive she said she supposed she had better wish me HB but as she spoke she choked on the words.

I've told my Alison that when she is older and a parent herself, she can look back and see all the mistakes I made but she will never doubt the depth of my love for her and Andrew because I've told her.


That I have so much love from Rob and the kids and from some very special friends never ceases to amaze me. I try to be a good and kind person because it was drummed into me that I was no good and a waste of space. I'm no saint but if I can do a kindness I will. TOG never understood that. If anyone said something nice to him or did him a favour, he always reckoned that they were after something. And if he ever (rarely) did a kindness he always viewed that person as being in his debt and expected to be repaid at some point.

Agatha if I can do anything for your mom, please let me know. That includes sounding off if she wishes. Tell her I'm thinking about her.

Love to all.

xxJill

You are an amazing person Jill - my heart goes out to you and anyone else who has suffered because their parent/s were lacking in the basic emotions most of us feel towards our families and friends. I almost feel pity for your parents - they missed out on so much. Two little girls would be such a joy.

What a lucky husband and children you have you Jill - to know without doubt that you love them above all else.

Sue x

To be honest Jill, they both sound as if they should have been committed.

You are a stronger person because of it all and so glad you have come through and out the other side. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Take care

Jillian........am still at a loss for words after reading your last post , for me it is hard to imagine having such cruel parents, if that is not too strong a word.

Hope you at least had supportive grandparents when growing up.

Annx

Hi Ann. I never knew my maternal grandparents. My grandmother was dead before I was born and my grandfather died when I was about two. My paternal grandparents lived 240 miles away and I doubt I saw them more than once every few years when I was young. They were as emotionally dead as TOG. I do remember them well though. Looking back, I never thought anything about my grandfather shaking his fist at me when I told him I would get my hair cut. He used to tell me his mother had the same hair and he loved to watch her brush it and he warned me not to have it short. I also remember once instance of emotional blackmail he tried on TOG when they were visiting. They didn't want to take the train back home and wanted Tog to drive them back. They both died in the early 80's

I've learned a bit about the family since my sister and I started talking. I knew that my parents knew each other for only a short time when TOG's call up to go overseas arrived in 1946. Apparently they were married within a fortnight. What I never knew is that she was on the rebound from someone else. My sister reckons that our mother was quite a bright, cheerful, outgoing person who liked to dance and socialise. Not the person I knew. The only person my mother ever said nice memories about was her father. Recently, I found a cousin on my maternal, paternal side. The whole of the Busby side sounds really good and it turns out that I had cousins I never knew existed just a mile or so away. Also the Busby's were a very military family hisotrically, with lots of Medals between them including some for gallantry. I think that TOG was so insecure, despite his totally superior attitude that being merely an aircraft mechanic in comparison to his wife's family that he isolated her. Other cousins have told me that early on he exhibited bullying and controlling tendencies towards the mother and them. Last year, after he died, my mother's nephew and his wife told me what happened when my sister was born. Had they told me before I cannot guarantee what I would have gone and said or done to him. It was the final straw for me and made up my mind for me about not going to his funeral. My sister was born in 1954 with a clef palette. She was born at home and as soon as he saw her he told them to take her away, that they weren't keeping her, to take her and put her where children like that were put. My mother's sister went up to their house looked after my sister every day apparently until she was about 18 months old. My mother would have nothing to do with my sister and TOG wouldn't even be in the same room. After a lot of thinking, I did tell my sister who said she had always suspected as much. She appreciated my stand on not going to his funeral because of what he had done and I made sure that everyone knew why. I think, in the end he simply trained my mother or brainwashed her maybe. Whatever he did, she let me and my sister down bigtime. I came to believe that part of her hatred was from jealousy towards me for being happy with Rob and the kids and the rest came from him.

He told the solicitor who wrote his new will that I had prevented his grandchildren from seeing him. We kept the same solicitor to sort out the estate dna act for the family because TOG had left a dreadful mess behind. Actually more than six months on it is still being sorted. My sister told him about the attitude towards Andrew and his autism and also that TOG was such a nasty vindictive and vicious person, had he got his hands on Andrew there is no telling what he would have done to him either hold him hostage to force me to go back to caring for him or to physically harm him to get at me. My sister also told the solicitor that Alison was petrified of her grandfather. What she didn't tell him was that one day when he thought that Alison needed to be taught a lesson he nearly killed her. He used to come and pick Al up on a Saturday afternoon. Al would have been about nine. He would never wait for her to put her seat belt on before driving off. So the clever girl worked out that he wouldn't drive off if the car door was open. She didn't close the door until she had her belt on. Apparently he was infuriated and I never knew. One day he came to pick her up. She got in the car and before putting her belt on reached her arms out to hug me. He put is foot down hard on the gas and sped off with her hanging onto the car door. I saw the look on her face. I gave them time to get to the house and rang. He was furious that I would question what he had done. It was Al's fault. She had annoyed him and needed to be taught a lesson. After that she wouldn't get in his car. About a fortnight or so later, she was there one day and I got a telephone call from her. She was sobbing. She begged me not to tell them that she had rung me. They had decided to go shopping and she didn't want to go in the car. So they locked her in the house and went out anyway.

I look back now at all the crap I took for years and wonder how and why but when you are in a bad relationship and so controlled it happens and of course because I had to protect the kids. Alison would have had a dreadful life with them and they would have got Andrew put away. My mother never stopped trying to get me to admit to her that I couldn't cope. So long as I behaved myself and didn't do anything to upset them, they wouldn't report me for my bad parenting. They were very convincing people. No one would ever believe what he was really like. He used to complain to my sister about how badly I had treated him. She told him no end of times but he refused to accept it or that he had done anything wrong. It was the second time in his life that anyone had stood up to him. I was the first too, several months before when he demanded that I help him to 'get' someone. In a massive row I called him a paranoid old man. Apparently he never got over that one. He demanded complete and total obedience from his family. His word was law, as was his opinion and anyone who opposed him or held a different point of view had no value.

I must really ask Rob about that DNA test again. I just can't be from that gene pool:)

xxJill