General Chat

I suppose I am still here because I am bloody minded and this may be his house but it is my home. I have bought carpets furniture made curtains etc, it is only 5 minutes from my job, I have lovely neighbours and don't want to move. However, I am going to follow the advice you have given me. I will see a solicitor, look at his mothers will, and make sure the regester of interest is still ok. I will also go the CAB and get advice. With all the information I can then call his bluff. This may be for better or worse we will see. No, I gave up loving him long ago. I used to respect him,now I see him for what he is a bully an insecure man, no child, who throws his rattle ouy of his pram if things do not always go his way. I think I may need a councillor Purple. Bless you all for your kindness. Elaine.

Elaine
My heart goes out to you, I have been divorced for five years and my ex would say the same things. He found out differently when he found out that I could buy him out or have the house sold. I decided to buy him out as it was too much to uproot my son at the time.

It's difficult at first as you have all the emotions to deal with and it's mentally draining but, no more than you have put up with for 52 years. It seems to me though, that you have all the support of your family who would understand if you left him.

I agree with all the other postings that, you need to seek advice and, strangers or not we are here for you xx Katherinexx

Thirty years ago my best friend had a deadbeat husband and three kids under three (twins, no less). She complained about him often to me, and talked about leaving.

Finally, I couldn't listen any more, when she wasn't *doing* anything at all to improve her situation. (She had said she was going to give him an ultimatum: go to counselling or move out. I said: you know what the answer to that would be ... so you had better have made your decision before you say it, and then stick to it.)

I said: I have two spare bedrooms and taxi fare. Let me know when you need to come and stay, and stay as long as you need to. But otherwise, please stop telling me about your situation. If you aren't going to do anything about it, I can't just keep listening to the complaints.

It helps to be able to talk to other people about problems like this, Elaine -- but not if you just talk and don't do anything.

My advice, if you asked me, would certainly be the same as everyone else's here -- get good professional advice first, then organize to move out (or to have him move out -- but I expect you would rather start fresh in your own place). You will have the means to do that, and you certainly deserve the better life it would make for you.

But -- if you do want to stay with him, for whatever reason, you still need to do something to improve your life. Any of the resources that have been mentioned here can refer you for individual counselling or to groups for women in your situation (talking with others, with professional guidance, can definitely be helpful). This would help you cope with the problems in the relationship so that you would feel happier and better about yourself.

You don't have to justify whatever choice you make to anyone else, whether here or in a counsellor's office or in a talk group. You do need to decide whether you're going to do anything about your situation, and then find the resources that will help you do it, whatever it is.

Best wishes.


By the way -- my friend did put him out of the house not long after, and after spending many too many years on assistance raising the kids (until they finished secondary school, which I could never approve of), but finishing a graduate degree at the same time, she now has a good career working in government and has had a fulfilling life without the deadbeat. I can't even imagine what all their lives would have been like if she'd stayed with him. I know I couldn't have listened to 20 or 30 more years of complaining. ;)

Elaine

I echo the words of support that others have given you.

However you have not yet told us why you cannot leave him.

You are seemingly in a strong position.

You have grounds for a quick divorce, you are entitled to half the house ( and half of whatever else he has accumulated since you wed ), you have your own income and presumably a state pension.

What is it that keeps you there ?

Lots of good practical and supportive advice here Elaine. Please follow it for your sake.

i think that these ladies advice are perfect i think you should seek advice asap and then you know where you stand i wish you all the best Elaine my heart does go out to you it not an easy situation to be in I hope everything turns out ok i know you have no idea who I am but you have my full support and it looks like all the other ladies are here for you too so your not alone

Elaine

Please go and see CAB - they may be able to get you half an hour with a solictor free of charge to at least give you basic advice.

Be strong and take a step forward for yourself.

Sue xxx

Elaine, please please look at this.........

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?sec

and here is the telephone number... it is on that page as well.

0808 2000 247

Love

Daff xxxx

Elaine, my sister has just done something similar... the mental abuse and torture she suffered has been dreadful. But she is free now, and rebuilding her life. Her divorce is being sought on the grounds of mental abuse.

It must be very hard if you feel you have nowhere else to go, as well. At least if you knew you have somewhere to go to start again it would help... So many people do not know what is out there to help people like yourself.

And it is available out there. For you.

Please don't hang around any longer... as has been said, usually, once someone has been brave enough to go public with their situation, and how abused they have been, it is rare that they don't follow that up with appropriate action. It is a huge huge step to admit to being abused. And you are being abused, make no bones about it.

You have now told us, because you know you need collective support to help you stay as strong as you were when you put that post up. You needed to hear that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.... it is not you. You needed to have that spark of strength and confidence fanned and turned into a flame.

Rose has given you details of CAB.... and look on the net for local solicitors who specialise in cases like this... phone the hotline for abused women.... they will give you advice... I'll go and get the number now, for you.

Go on... Take a deep breath, and take that step towards a new life.

Take care

Love

Daff xxxx

elaine, just do as the people on here have advised you to. I,m shocked to think that there are people like that still around, I thoght "Neandethals" died out years ago,seems like you got lumbered with either a Throwback or the last one.Stand up for yourself and get strong legal advice.Take Care.**M**.

I'm going to say something ( lol I do take after my mum so much...I used to watch her face sometimes when she was struggling NOT to say something...and now I understand the effort it cost her ;))

Elaine , you have written twice now that you are "stronger" than him.... I know that line, but don't make your sympathy for him, pity perhaps, into a reason for not changing things...and don't mistake it for still loving him.

What do you wish to use your strength for, staying in the situation you're in and everyday getting a little more worn down, a little less enjoyment of life, a little more dis-liking of your OH...until at the end you are too tired to feel anything.?

Or do you use your strength to make a change , which might be the making of both of you, even though it will be very hard and you might not know it was the 'right thing' until a few years down the line?

I can't remember who it was now, but I remember a similar post on here a few years back...I wonder if that lady made the break?

Take care
Rose xx

Elaine and I have been in contact for a while now as she recognised a kindred spirit in some ways, but I don't have a claim on o.h.'s house as we are not married and I haven't lived here that long or contributed a lot to the household, as Elaine has done over the years. I do support him in many things and help him with his health problems by encouraging him to see the doctor when he had the bleed on the brain and later when he found he is diabetic etc.
I hope Elaine can find a way to have a better life without relinquishing her claim on the house and anything else she is entitled to.
I am in the process of seeing someone to help me sort out where I stand and of course my counsellor helps me by being there to listen and support, and I have had wonderful support from friends on here (thanks to Uzzi and all, you know who you are ), as I am sure Elaine will get too.

As I said to her, we must both have done something really bad in a past life lol to get so unlucky this time round.

Lizx

Wend maybe she does but it's stll a long time to be abused. But read between the lines and it is really time that Elaine got out and had her own life. You don't put it on here if you are happy with it.. do you?

Maybe she loves him - 53 years is a long time to put up with someone like that.

Elaine I read this, this morning and went away because the advice you are getting is the advice you needed ,

Also I am gobsmacked as to how you haven't lumped the guy by now (and Liz you know I am with you also)

IT IS NOT HIS HOUSE ANYMORE after the years you have been married it is half yours as people nhave said go and see Cab make sure your intersest in the house is noted after all you have worked for it;s upkeep , he hasn't .

As for leaving him do so once you have lodged an interest on the house he can't do f all with it , I'm not 100% on new laws so please do check ,

But Elaine I would have left him years ago like 52 yrs ago (you did say married 53 ) no matter what he was dead meat over finished and goodbye

Sorry to hear your news, but as said in other threads, please get some legal advice. Did MIL leave a will - if so have you seen a copy, she could have left the house to you and your husband jointly.
Kind regards, Liz

Hi and thanks to you all. Many years ago I went to a solicitor and did regester my interest in the house. This was because from him getting it from his mum (we had ben married 10 years then and renting it from her before that). He would always say get out it's my house if we had words, mind you his mum was just as bad. I know I am stronger than him as they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well it has.I am so grateful for your concern, I thought at least there would be some negative messages..... not one yet, she says keeping fingers crossed. I am late on today because I have been dog sitting. My heartfelt thanks to you all. Elaine.

definitly followt he ladies advice and seek proffetional advice, some men think life is to be handed them ona plate, how you have put up with this for so long i do no not know, time to fight back hun xxx

Hi Elaine,
I don't know what I can add, as the others have said it all and I agree that you should go and have a chat with a solicitor. Even if you don't do anything at all at the moment, just being sure of your rights should give you peace of mind and the strength to carry on.

I'm sending you great big ((((((HUGS)))))) and hope you can stay strong.

K x

hi Elaine i know that im only 21 i was married at a young age which was stupid of me i thought i was in love i was worried that my husband would take half of everything of mine all my hard earnd savings so my mum took me to the solicitors and she said he couldn't touch any of it as we haven't been married for so long and it would be pretty straight forward as we didn't have any children this maybe entirly different for you the best person to speak to is a solicitor they give you an hours free advice but make sure that's if you decide to see 1 hope you don't mind me adding this?