General Chat

Hi Elaine,

Please take care of yourself, he sounds a terribly controlling bully. He obviously has very very low self esteem.

You realise that often the venomous things he says to you or about you are probably what he feels about himself? It's a term called gaslighting and sometimes people say all that stuff and you end so confused you start to believe it is all you. Look the term up if you get a chance.

Have a chat to your children, they may have some viewpoints that you may not have seen.

Lots of hugs, stay safe and remember that you and how you feel and what you want are important too, not just about looking after anyone else!

Cheers

Elaine I will keep my fingers crossed for you although I would have stated no this car is mine for the keep I have put in..But

You are in good hands I just want to say make sure all is legal ...you have rights to the house, the same way as you have a right to be a person.

Uzzi,I regestered an interest in the house over 20years ago but this is one thing I need to make sure of although I did it through a solicitor. I will not leave until I am ready. My biggest problem is time to run about, he has 5 cars but I have to use buses as he yells at me if he takes me in the car anywhere, you see it is his car and he has to make me know he is letting me ride in it, so I don't. I am going to get everything together before I go,now is the best time because apart from un locking and locking school for the workmen I have another full week off.Elaine.

Your second move has to be decide what to do. but please make sure you are safe .....

whatever we say here and what ever CAB advises please, please make sure you are safe.

Elaine I am glad that you are in the good hands of purple.

Because Liz isn't sure please do check that you can list an interest in the house (even tho' it's in his name) and move out if you want (although that isn't advised) ...
Your 1st move no matter what has to be lodging your interest in your home ..that will stop him putting you out, even tho' it's in his name. It is and has been your home for years.

Love it :-)))

Now now children lets have a kiss or handshake. All your advice has been fab and I can take or leave it as I want. Most of it has been good common sense which when the problem is on top of you isn't always clear. To know you all care enough to reply is fantastic. I have just PMd Purple to say I am going to get legal advice, and will make an appointment at the CAB. I told her I have had a fell swoop on our? sitting room, walls the lot. OH sits in the recliner surrounded by his toys and junk but he was in bed until 12pm so I shifted every thing and cleaned. I put all the stuff back but the abuse I got when he got up had to be heard to be believed. Guess what? I knew what would happen so I taped him in full flow.. see I'm learning, I can use it in evidence against him. Elaine.

Wmsl @ Robin. I like to provide support to people who are vulnerable, and hurting, while they find the path they wish to take... far rather do that than exploit the vulnerability of others, I think. So if that puts me up there with Marj and Denise... hey ho... what wonderful company.

Right enough of the ping pong

Elaine, I will be thinking of you while you find out all the options that are available to you... the experts out there are brilliant, they are impartial, non-judgemental and brilliant. I have seen them in action so many times with families I have supported, so know the wealth of experience, compassion and knowledge they have.

Good luck, and get all the facts at your finger tips, so that you know exactly what you want to do. And while you are doing that there are plenty of folk here ready to listen to you... I know you pm some of the lovely folk on here, so bounce your ideas off them... It's what friends are for... I have a group of friends from here who I can 100% rely on when I am feeling low. And I think you have too.

Take care

Love and (((((hugs)))))

Daff xxxx

Robin
"If you are going to continue to put yourself forward as everyone’s agony aunt on GR then perhaps you should read the posts on their threads more carefully."

Don't you think that is a little uncalled for?

Janet - speaking of older people ...

My grandfather was a man like your father. Every bad behaviour, every unpleasantness you can imagine. He died at 65 when I was a young child. My grandmother was 60 at the time. After spending a few still unhappy years with her eldest daughter, she was able to move into a senior citizens' apartment building when she turned 65. She lived there for many more years, happy as a clam, until she died "in her 99th year", as she put it. ;)

Life after a bad marriage is possible and can indeed be very good, at any age at all.

One of the homes my father grew up in became a shelter for women victims of spousal abuse many years later. Even houses can have better lives. ;)

When I spoke about loving him, I was thinking back to an abusive relationship I was in for a few years and put up with it simply because|I loved him, against all the advice of my friends. Fortunately, I eventually saw the light and ended it and have been married to a good and kind man for 34 years now, so I wasn't really being objective. Whatever Elaine's reasons are for staying with this nasty piece of work, she is not happy and we all think she should do something positive to change her awful situation and have the peace, security and happiness she so clearly deserves. She has taken the decision to put up this tread, which I think was a good move, as she has been getting so much useful advice and support from several people on here, particularly those who have been in a similar situation. Ultimately, of course, it is up to her what she does, but having kind people on here to talk to must be a great help and a good start, hopefully, towards a better life.

Do hope you are feeling a bit happier, Elaine, and I would add that I think Marion's post at 21.38 yesterday is wise advice. W x

Reading this situation reminds me so much of my own parents life.My parents bought their own home but as the years went on my father's mother was not happy with her rented house so my father bought her a small house. Not happy with this house she wanted a smaller house and my father bought her the smaller house but it meant selling our family home. My mother never argued. I can see her tears now the day we left.We moved into the first house my father bought. In one of his arguments shortly after moving he told my mother that the house was his and she could move out, they had been married nearly 30 years at this time. She never said anything back to him but started keeping all her money which had always been shared before. I suppose life took care of her in that my father passed away a few years later giving her,her life back. As a family in those days we accepted our fathers nasty temper, his selfish dictating rules and I never thought to tell my mother to leave so I can understand why your family hasn't suggested this . As a sixty something now I would advise, go to the solicitor as everyone here has suggested. From my own experience no one wins a war of attrition, you could be having this same situation in another ten years.It will not change unless you change it.-JLe

Daff, with even greater respect, there was nothing insensitive about my question at all …………… as Elaine’s subsequent reply shows.

Of course it is none of anyone’s business but Elaine’s as to why she is still there, I did not say it was. Neither did I say that I needed to know or that she had to answer.

If you are going to continue to put yourself forward as everyone’s agony aunt on GR then perhaps you should read the posts on their threads more carefully.

The fact that Elaine did answer the question, and what she said, shows that there are far many more considerations to her problem than ownership of the house and dealing with the abusive husband that so many of you are blindly up in arms about.

From what I have seen on here so far a number of posters seem hell bent on pushing her along a road that she may not want to go along, and to take, what you yourself have darkly called, “appropriate action” !

You cited your sister’s divorce and then told Elaine to take steps towards a new life …………… but did you ask her if she wants a new life in that way ?

That was quite insensitive, really, don’t you think ?

It seems to me that the only ones who may be seeing this clearly are Wend and Grace.


No one has asked Elaine what she herself truly wants !

I have been reading your thread from the start, Elaine and I am so happy to hear that you will taking the advice of these amazingly kind people on GR. Please know you will have all our support and I wish you a happier life. BCXX

Hi Elaine,

have sent pm

xxx

Hi Elaine,

I hope todays brings things in a clearer light for you.

I concur with everyone's suggestions to chat to people who can help you.

I've been through a very similiar situation and from my own experience can only suggest the following (my suggestions only, so please don;t be offended or take them as a lecture!)

1: Look after yourself as a first priority, and your health both mental and physical. Having a checkup with a gp or dr and explaining how stressful life is certainly helps and they can put you in touch with people who may assist you further.

2: Get good legal advice if you are uncertain of your entitlements, they may reccomend that you start to think about and list the amount you have contributed to the house, purchases made etc

3: Have a chat to a counsellor etc. Even if you do not leave the situation, you need to find a way to live with it that won't erode your self esteem etc.

4: Let people know what is happening. Plenty of people in abusive relationships (and remember abuse covers many forms, sexual, physical, financial etc) keep it to themselves for fear of annoying friends and family and it is hard for the listener sometimes to understand how difficult it is to leave, mainly because no one else knows how you live, how you feel etc. It doesn't matter how many times you tell someone, the fact is you can only act a certain way when you want to or are forced to by circumstances.

Please take care of yourself, remember that old adage that life was not meant to be this hard.....

Lots of hugs

((((((hugs)))))) for you.....

Love

Daff xxxx

Thanks Marion, will take care. Elaine.

Elaine...dont give too much away on here, you never know who will be reading....if you know what I mean.

Rambling Rose, I use the board name as that is what I am called locally I was a vet nurse and when the kids at school found out I could make birds and wildlife well they brought them to me. I did this for 20 years until I had to look after my mum. I am still availible for advice but cannot take them in anymore, gettin too old.The flying doctor has had her wings clipped. Elaine.