General Chat

Why would'nt you discuss your feelings Uggers?

Really interesting thread - I wouldn't discuss my feelings and experiences on here but it's always good to read others'.

Hi Grumpy

Just be there for them, that is all you can do, hopefully if they decide to follow this through they will be mature enough to handle what is thrown at them.
It always seems funny to me, that post 1975 adoptee's do no need help, when searching for their birth family ( due to the fact that most of them where bought up with info surrounding there adoption) where as older adoptee's need to see a counsellor before they proceed.
Think the older you are the more prepared you are to accept the outcome.......

Why have you no choice Captain Pugwash ?

Hi Grumpy, I think you are right not shatter your families illusions , although it must be very hard at times to stay neutral, time will come when they will ask to see their records, then it will be their choice what they do about it.. It must be very hard for you , don't know what's better limited contact or no contact. To a certain extent at least they have a choice, I had none!

thanks sheila for the reassurance
i have mostly good days and very few bad days but this forum was just a trigger, most of the time i do not even think about it,
this week is a little strained due to visits and i know there will be a response from the children.
for me obviously the ideal is there was no birth family, sounds harsh but being realistic there is and i did not go into this blind.
I just wanted people to know that as others have said there other sides to the coin.
maybe if my children ever get to read their social service records they may never talk to their BM again, but thats not for me to tell them and shatter illusions?

Hi Sheila,
I always knew I was adopted and I was very happy.I do remember when I had my daughter I hadthis overwhelming feeling of realising she was my first blood relative.It came out of nowhere but I will never forget it.
I would never have looked for BF while Mum and Dad were alive as I know they would have thought I hadn't had a happy upbringing.If only they knew what I know now they should be so proud of themselves for choosing me.

Hi Helen

Know how you felt, it is strange to find out this, especially later in life and you had not always been aware of your adoption, that you had this other identity ............

A few common triggers for searching for their birth family are the death of adoptive parents (as a lot of adoptee's do feel a sense of guilt or betrayal to their parents if the seek out their birth family, or the birth of their own child, maybe it triggers of some sort of genetic desire to know their roots ........

However, what I was trying to reassure Grumpy was that this is a normal curiosity and in no way reflects of the love you have for your family, who have raised you and will always in your eyes be your parents.

I remember the day my Original Birth Certificate came through the letterbox.
I was the only one at home,which I was pleased about .I sat and looked at the envelope for ages knowing that the moment I opened it was going to be the first time in 53 years that I would know anything about my BM and me.
I took a deep breath and opened it,and looked at my name.It felt very very odd seeing a name that I had never heard of before and realising it was me!Then my BM's name and age,the hospital I was born in and the time of birth and weight.No Fathers name!!
I put it away and did nothing for several years,until both my adoptive mum and dad had passed away.

Hi Everyone

Recognize a few names on here :O) , Captain Pugwash I think this thread is a good idea to get a range of views on this subject :O)
Traced my own BF about 5 years ago, with mixed success, you cannot always expect to have a bond with someone just because you are blood related in some cases you will, but in other cases, you may just not get on.
Not every one you meet in your life, will become a great friend to you, so after maybe 20 or 30 years of not knowing someone then why would you presume you may like them let alone love them.
That said although I did not form a bond with all my BF I do get on very well with some of them.

Gruumpy,

You should never take it as a reflection of how your children feel about you as parents, should they decide to try and trace their birth family, there is a lot more deeper issues related to this search, who do they look like ?, why where they given up ? etc
Even adoptee's with very happy upbringings seem to need these answers to their questions, if they do form a bond with their birth family, it will in no way take away from your relationship as their parents ( for that is what you are :O)

Just try to support them the best way you can, I have been in touch with many many adoptee's over the last 5 years, some have happy endings some not, but most of them say they are glad they did their search and can now lay it to rest, myself included.

Just be aware that you go into all this with your eyes wide open, and think of all the possible scenarios that can happen, and try and have as much support as possible from those around you :O)

Morning, thanks to all that have put an answer / opinion on this thread so far would be very interested in more replies.

I have often wondered what it must be like for someone who starts the process of tracing birth parents. Like Libby’s Oh who felt the rejection all his life. When they get their birth cert and to find out they started life as John Smith but have always been known as Alan Green. They mustn’t know the time or weight at birth.

About 2 or 3 years ago years ago I had a letter from a distant relative, funnily enough I found it tonight getting bits out of the loft to put Xmas decs away. It enclosed pictures of my 'Maternal Grandmother' and her other children who were supposed to be my aunts and uncles.

It wasnt a shock, I always new my Grandparents had adopted my mother - but they were my grandparents, they kissed my knee when I fell and grazed it, were there for milestones in my life when they were alive and always there to offer support and advise. These strange people in the photos meant nothing to me - nor the brief details of their lives they had written about.

As Harsh as it sounds they are not my family and I have no desire to get to know them. Maybe it would be different if it was one generation difference and not two. The lady in the photo died shortly after I was passed all the information, but I felt nothing. My Grandma - the one who was always there for me passed away over 15 years ago and still I go to phone her with news and then remember shes not here.

I found the letter again tonight and studied the photos and put it in my Tree file to read again when I have some time - but I still looked at those photos of those of strangers and cant quite think how to put them in my tree - as I am not sure I reguard them as family and have no intention of contacting them.

I am sorry if my views offend anyone, its not intentional, just showing the other side of the coin. Obviously I wish them no harm and they have respected my wishes by not contacting me again.

C,P, thank you for starting this thread sorry for the hijack?
I don't know you but I am really pleased that you and your daughter are at last together and are really friends, my hope goes out to all the others still looking.
goodnight
mick

Not me but my husband.

He was adopted at 6 months and has wonderful parents.

Always had a "chip on his shoulder about being dumped", his words, not mine. Absolute horror on his birthday, every year.

To cut a long story short, we traced his birth family about 4 years ago. His birth mum is still alive although his birth dad died when my husband was 12. He has 3 full birth brothers and 1 full birth sister, birth parents married when they were 21 and didn't need parental consent.

Everything went really well for about 12 months but sibling rivalry kicked in and husband didn't want to get involved. Contact still maintained but on a sporadic basis. We all still "get on".

Husband appreciates his parents even more and his birthday is now a happy occasion.

Thank you for the kind words.
I suppose we invest so much in children we are unsure about everything we cannot control, my wife is more balanced about it but she has a better relationship than I with the children's birth mother. My older 2 children have very strong emotional ties with their other mum and she is very receptive so, teenager+disagreement and?????? who knows? Suppose I will always be paranoid but I am realistic and it may never happen.
I shouldn't beat myself up over it and if it ever did happen I will try to embrace it. Because in the end it is them poor b******s that have got the emotional baggage.
Obviously it is far to complicated and confidential to talk about openly on a forum.
But it is also a subject we should talk about as we all know of sad stories and we see them every day on here people desperately searching?
I for one do not want that for my children?
mick

Mick its interesting to hear all sides of the coin.

Mick, thanks for that. I hope I can see the other side also. No matter what , I can never be Mum to my daughter,nor would I want to,she has her Mum. We are the very best of friends, which is how it should be. All the best with your trip back to England. Very well done for keeping them together, am signing off for tonight, look forward to reading more in the morning. Thanks all.

Hi Mick ,You have done a wonderful thing keeping 4 children together.I don't believe blood is thicker than water.Who knows what they will think when they meet up with BMum and family.It will maybe be a very confusing time for the children.Main thing is you are there for them.I take my hat off to you(well I would if I had a hat).Being adopted was the best thing that could and did happen for me.Chin up!!
Love Helen x

Hi,
I am on the other side, I have adopted 4 children all siblings. long story short my wife and I + our own 2 children were foster carers and we have fostered 210 children many of them short term and emergency placements. we had been doing this for about 15 years.
A family we were linked into to do respite fostering for i.e. every week-end were bought into care permanently and placed for adoption 4yrs old, 7, 8 and 9 but it was very difficult to find a placement for all 4 together (ages, people only want babies) so social services made a plan where we would foster them until they could find a permanent family for them but after a year if this had not been achieved they would split them up and adopt them out seperately.
Well we couldn't let them do that so we adopted them.
Believe it or not with fierce opposition from social services. (they would lose us as a resource)
Anyway we are 5 years down the line and the children are my own children and we have moved from the UK to Spain where they go to Spanish school and are all bilingual. not all a bed of roses but whose life is?
We are in fact returning to UK for a long week-end this week where all the children will spend at least one day with their birth mother (unsupervised) and I am sure as soon as I drop them off and leave nanny will turn up and aunts and uncles.
they all have books/photo albums of their life with us and before.
I write this to let people know that times have changed and some of us men can get emotional because I know whatever I do blood is thicker than water and as soon as possible these children will go back, it may not be right for them but they must experience it for themselves.
I am told overall it will make them more balanced human beings?
There is more but difficult to write at this time.
Thanks for listening
Mick

Hi there,
I looked for my birth family last year after my adoptive parents had both passed away.I was 53.I discovered through GR I was 1 0f 8 children!!
My B Mother and a sister died in 1994,1 sister in 1953 and a brother about 30 years ago.I have met 2 brothers and a cousin and it went really well.We arranged to meet in York (we are spread over England and Scotland) and booked a hotel for 2 nights.I was the only child not known about.So I was a huge shock to them.I was given up for adoption after birth and most of the others were put into care,so I was the lucky one as I had a wonderful life.
I know if I had met my B Mother I would have not been told who my father was as none of the others know who their Dads were .We all have different fathers!!!There is a sister and a brother who don't want to know anything,but the 2 I have met I am in touch with regularly.
The sad thing for me is my husband and son and daughter do not want to meet them.I don't really know why.But they are fine with me seeing them That is enough for me.We all have very different backgrounds and I can't see my OH getting on with the brothers!!I can get along with anyone ,but don't think we will ever be like brothers and sister.More like new friends.
For me finding out a bit of where I came from has satisfied my curiosity,and it was curiosity,not a desperate need to find my mother.I had my mum and
dad and I wouldn't have changed a thing.
I am so pleased for you though to find your daughter.I hope it has all gone well for you.
I hope I haven't rambled on too long.
Helen x