General Chat

hi nothing on your scale but some one puts flowers on my dads grave
they will have a shock when they next go as my mum died and we buried her with dad so they will see that the head stone has been moved and the grave has been dug up
last xmas they put silk flowers on it
I cant get there as it is 2hr train journey but my cousin goes often and she lets me know but we dont know who puts the flowers there

Marilyn, the person who decorated my parents and daughters grave, may have well done it to the next gave as that has nothing on it, but a cross saying r.i.p.
I have to admit though, I have put a few flowers on it, from time to time as it looks unattended. Maybe i was out of order?

Perhaps he could help you choose a headstone when you can afford it Taff?

But I have to admit that I too would be upset at the unasked for changes they have made... it is still all new and raw for you, so you can't cope with it, Bless you.
Deanna X

So sorry for your loss Rita.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Taff,

I've just read through your thread. I don't know what advice I can add re the grave, I can understand how upset this must have made you, especially so soon after your daughters tragic passing.

Don't really have the words but I just wanted to say good luck with sorting this out, you're not making a fuss over nothing, and I hope this gets sorted ok for you.

PS Hope the grandsons didn't run you ragged too much yesterday.

Love & best wishes,

Maria x x x

Hi Taff, you must have been so shocked and upset, to find the grave looking different to the way it usually is.
I actually had to put white plastic fencing round my baby daughter's small grave as the Cemetery groundspeople, who work for the council, kept mowing over her grave and broke all her rose bushes down, they were the tiny ones, smaller than patio roses, all pinks and whites. I did have a tasteful wooden frame round it which had started to rot but my Dad had made it for Zoe and I didn't want to pull it up. The Cemetery folk said they would replace the roses, well they sent a man to a local Nursery and he put on there one red, one yellow, one white and one pink rose bush, but not the tiny ones, the larger ones, altho not full sized. As they were growing fairly well I left them, altho I wasn't happy with the colours. Lo and behold a year or so later on a visit, they were all broken off again and I found out it was one mower driver who had apparently made a sarcastic comment when reprimanded so he was taken off the job. That was when I planted some more little roses and put up the fence so they had no excuse that they couldn't see the grave. It is under a fir tree where squirrels sit and chomp on the cones and drop the leftovers down, so I always have a job to clear the grave and as the area is an older part of the cemetery and all babies graves there, but not many visited, it gets a bit overgrown but it isn't in an area which is close mowed to headstones as there aren't many. I think it was because many of the babies were buried in common graves, it was only because I found out later and was able to buy the burial rights so I could put on a small headstone.

I think the best way forward is first to ask the authorities if you are allowed such decoration as you found. If they say no, then you have your answer, you can remove the items, put them in a box and send to the cousin c/o the grandparents with a note or copy of letter from authorities explaning and suggesting they make their own memorial garden.
If however, it is allowed, then take the grandson along and show him how best to make the grave look nice without looking tacky and say for example that the fencing would be better to surround his own memorial garden and the various things can be used in this way etc, letting him choose one small item to leave behind out of a selection of your choice.
Good luck, love, it is a difficult position you are in but I am sure you will sort it out with love and patience so your grandson is not disappointed. You can tell the grandmother that you would prefer others did not interfere with your family grave without discussion or permission from you in future.
Try not to get too upset, it was probably done with the best of intentions and not to upset you, even tho it did so.
Lizxx

UPDATE........
I have just got off the phone with the grounds man, and explained all to him, he said he would go and look, but is sure its breaking some by-laws, and I am free to remove whatever i want, as i am the plot owner.
So Barrie was right!!, and I've got some clearing up to do!! There is also a letter being sent to me, so I can show the person, that they cant (dare not!!) do it again!!
Thanks again for all your replies, you kept me sane yesterday!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Taff

Just wanted to say when you do start looking at a headstone for your daughter contact some stone masons instead of the undertakers they are alot cheaper. I got one for my parents over £600 less than the cheapest quote i had from the undertakers, he will also arrange the fitting.

glad you got that sorted taff, at least having an official letter you can hopefully keep it impersonal and avoid confrontation.

Ann
Glos

Thanks for the advice jax, will do!, going to see about a headstone to-day, after clearing the grave!


Ann, you know what a quiet retiring soul i am....lol, so confrontation is the least of my worries, but i dont even know where this "mare" Lives!!!

Dear taff,
I have just read through this, and I always think there are two sides to every storey...
It may be that the cousin was just trying to help your grandson, and that they marched down there and put those things on. to give a little therapy,....
she may have intended to go back herself and remove them, before you saw them.... and did not tell you, because she knows you are still grieving and delicate.
I cannot believe her actions were one of malice, just trying to help a little boy who has lost his mommy, and to young to understand the world we live in at the moment.......even at 20 her experience of close bereavement may not be like ours, so she possibly thought she was helping.....
If you do remove the items, I would do it stealthly, just do a few at a time, he may be visiting it, and be more upset if he thinks his mommy' 'presents' are being destroyed or stolen....
There may be personnal reasons that he has chosen certain items. so be careful not to offend or hurt your grandson, in an attempt to put the cousin 'in her place'
You could remind/show him that there are lots of other mommys in the graveyard, who have not got anything on,
explain how the wind and rain, will destroy these things and would be better off putting them somewhere he can look after them...
you could say.... that although his mommy is pleased he is thinking of her, and remembering her...that she would not not like to think he was turning the grave into ' a shrine' . and spend to much time there.....it would make her sad.....
although like I said two side, these gifts may be left to say a final goodbye....
I would not argue or let the child know that you are annoyed or upset by this, as he will be to young, and may hold it against you....and it is easy to make yourself look 'the bad guy'....
speak to him first...ask him who thought of it...and why....see if you can come up with an alternative with him........
best wishes
and loving thoughts
cmd x

Morning Taff

Could you take a photograph of the Grave as it is at the moment and have it enlarged for your Grandson, and then tell him you have had to take it all off for now because some naughty people might spoil it.

It's possible some thugs may see it and make things worse so it's not really a lie xx

CMD, I have looked at this from my grandsons veiw point as well! That is why I will be just removing the fencing , Gravel and picture around the cross, As I'm sure a 6year old wouldnt have thought of putting those there.
According to the cemetery supervisor I spoke to this morning, they dont allow this anyway, as they re-turf the grass, at the end of every summer.
I had a good chat with my grandson Saturday evening, and explained in the simplest of terms, that the fencing and gravel may not be allowed, and that his mammy, is still watching over him,still loves him loads, and will always do.I also told him that my mammy and Daddy were there aswell.
Thanks for the advice, I have taken it onboard.
xxxxxxx

Barbara, i intend taking a picture of it anyway, but I will explain to my Grandson that the cemetery doesnt allow too much decoration, I cant lie to him.
xxxxxxxx

Dearest Taff,
You are most welcome,
I hope everything is resolved soon, and that you all find peace and harmony.

My sister lost her daughter last year,
she was to some....
a wife,
a mother,
a sister,
a grandaughter,
a niece,
a cousin,
and I know it must be a terrible ordeal for you to bear....as we all have a our own ideas how to grieve and remember her........
sending love
cmd xxxxxxxxxx

Glad you have it sorted Taff.
You do seem a lot brighter too.
And talking with your little grandson was lovely.
Deanna X

Glad you sorted it.... and glad you spoke to your grandson about it!

I will add that I went to Daddy's grave yesterday and yet again someone had left plastic flowers (defo not from the person who put the 1st lot down) so they went in the bin immediately!!

People will get the hint that plastic is just not acceptable to me eventually

xx

CMD, Deanna and Pink, My daughter was all of the above (apart from a wife).
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Im so glad its sorted Taff,

Love and hugs,


Caz xxx

Hello Taff,

You 'sound' better today :-)))

Love

Sue xx